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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Dec312008

Party Like It's 1999

Well, it's New Year's Eve, and that means you've got two things on the brain right now: dieting and booze. Since it's somewhat difficult to find cakes celebrating diets (which is really a shame; I'm holding out for the "all cakey carbs" diet) let me see what kind of alcohol-themed stuff I can dig up for you.

Ok, here's a dreaded CCC (cupcake cake) for the martini lover: definitely shaken, not stirred.

Uh, this looks more like a bottle of hair tonic than alcohol. (Not that I've ever *seen* a bottle of hair tonic, of course; I just imagine it would look like this.) Sorry, I'll keep looking.

Hm. Well, John and I are still debating just what the heck this is, but I think it might be an exploding champagne bottle. (John sees one of those holiday crackers that you pull open.) The one thing we both agree on is that it's butt-ugly. [evil grin]

Moving on...

Very, uh, "creative". Can you picture the conversation that led to this cake order?

"We need a cake for Bob."
"Ok, what does he like?"
"Beer."

I have a friend who used to drink orange juice with his chocolate cake, but I'm pretty sure even he would agree that drinking beer with cake is just wrong. Blech.

And while we're on the subject, let me wrap up with a little PSA: folks, tonight when you're out partying, please think of others. Please, don't drink and decorate. Don't let this happen to you or someone you love:

[shaking head sadly] Granted, it was considerate of the wreckerator to provide little bottles of "blur vision"for those unfortunate souls who will have to EAT the cake, but that hardly excuses the drunken airbrush weaving, the gold and purple shoelaces, or the [closing eyes] margarita candles. Not to mention the mystery foam, construction-paper lettering, or bizarre green-striped chocolate "ladies". Yikes. So remember: this New Year don't get mad, get C.L.A.D.D. (Cake Lovers Against Drunk Decorating).

By the by, I verified that this was indeed listed on a "professional" bakery's website. A website which, oddly enough, is no longer operational. Go fig.

Hey Jason T., Lynn B., Corianna L.,Kati B., and Marnie P.: if you didn't come to party, don't bother knockin' on my door.

« Wasted Cakes | Main | Why You Don't Raid Other People's Refrigerators »

Reader Comments (137)

Okay, don't hit me - I actually think the CCC martini wasn't too bad. It was nicely decorated at least, and they had the good sense to frost each one separately.

The sprouting bottle of something - I don't get that at all.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFreedomFirst

I'm with Rima on that chocolate bunny/bondage thing. That was my first take...then I finished reading what Jen wrote. But what is that purple curtain thing? A window...a door to the club? These are the kind of wreckerators that need to have their airbrushes disconnected from the compressors.

Did kind of like the CCC...definitely one olive.

My husband agrees that the orange thingie is a party cracker.

The beer cake is kind of cool...but why? When you cut the cake do the ice cubes/water run all over the table or is the beer in a rigid container? Way too many questions.

Love this website!

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwolfmom

I think the "cracker" is a pineapple too! I thought that's for sure what it was when I first saw it (it's the green stuff coming out of the top--or what I have deemed the top, it's actually the bottom in this picture--that does it for me) and the more I looked at it the more i doubted myself (WTF is that grey swirly stuff on it? Why are there random bits of neon orange marshmallow looking things?)...but I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElana

You should not drink and bake.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArnold Schwarzeneggar

I definitely see the nekid lady on top of the fourth cake, but the decor on the around the bottom looks like chocolate covered dog biscuits to me! Guess I've spent too much holiday time handing out treats to my pooch. Happy New Year everyone!

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterredraven

One olive would suffice. It's still ugly. The orange thing. My cat ate tinsel at Christmas. I changed their food. I found an sparkly orangish thing in the litter box. Now we know what the orange cake commemorates.

The beer coolers is actually pretty neat. Hubby would like it.

The other monstrosity looks like a pimps birthday cake. A Train, the pimp in his party palace with da ladezz.

wvotd shuto..."A Train hustled his way through the party. His flared pants and platform shoes making a shu to, shu sound as they brushed the 2 inch long nap on the shag carpet"

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHyena Overlord

Here I am again, in my own little world...
What I *saw* when gazing upon the martini cake (for that magical first moment) was a scan of some very unfortunate person's lower gastrointestinal tract. One with some serious-looking growths crowding into the abdominal cavity, at that.
Cake diagnosis: terminal.
As for the "celebrate" bottle cake--it brings me in mind of an old-fashioned, glass, hospital urinal for the bedridden. A full one, too!
=^()()^=

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

OMG - I just tried to post a link to the Cake Wrecks blog on a friend's Facebook wall and it was marked as 'abusive content' and I couldn't post the link!!

Facebook then logged me out of my account saying there was suspicious activity going on.

Might want to look into that.

Love this blog :)

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLara

We seem to have a cheap beer theme going.... Miller Lite... Bud ick.....

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterfuzzandfuzzlet

Quoting Simon Cowell here ...

What the bloody hell?

I am wondering just what sort of gathering would require a CCC made to look like a martini??? Is it James Bond Jr.'s birthday?

I don't drink, but dang, those whatever they are make me want to.

Happy New Year, and may many more wrecks come your way!

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterScritzy

While not arguing about the supposed tastefulness of beer on a cake, I do know that the beer bottles are made from sugar (toffee) and are shaped in a food safe latex mould. The ice is also made from sugar.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I've seen a few people's comments that are exactly along my thought line: the orange cake is a pineapple.

But the ordinary pineapple does not usually include pineapple. So here's my theory: Spongebob Squarepants decorated his house for Christmas and someone has captured that in cake form.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWriterGirl17

My first comment ever on this blog - but I've been following it for a while and love your work!

@ Tatersmama's party popper suggestion - having seen a few of them last night myself, the streamer bits come from the other end... so the "Celebrate" one would be upside down in that case too. Re the "pineapple" LOL, maybe if there was *one* string from the narrow end (but the "bubbles" at the other end are still mysterious)...

Weirdly, I found the martini and beer ones kinda cute ;-)

@ Anonymous complaint - I would have thought anybody submitting a comment would realise they're moderated and note the time stamps on all the "copycat" ones???

And finally, WV: swelsib - What a swell sib for buying me such a "groovy" cake?

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOzCockatoo

The hair tonic one made me think of the musical Sweeney Todd when Toby is selling Pirelli's Miracle Elixer, Sweeney Todd says it's "nothing but an errant fraud, concocted from piss and ink." Or in this case, piss and food coloring.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I thought they were chocolate bunnies. Whew! The fact that they are chocolate ladies actually makes me feel better.

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPuanani

We're sure that third one isn't some kind of a mutant radioactive pineapple?

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterslythwolf

That last one is just an eyesore! Like, Grand Canyon or Empire State Building-caliber EYESORE, it's obnoxiousness is on such a grand scale!

Happy New year to you and yours, Jen, and to all Cake Wrecks readers!

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCalantha

The first one looks like there were some left over monster eyes from halloween and somebody said "Let's make them into martini olives"...the third one, I was thinking carrot.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDonna

Wait, those things on the last cake are in the form of women? W...wow. I was wondering what in the name of time those were...

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYĆ©nifer

That last cake was obviously distressing. I had to look twice to see the naked foam lady.

I'm sad that the creator of the martini cake thought cupcakes were the way to go, especially for the martini glass. Not mad...just sad.

I love this blog.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersunshyne

I have identified the mysterious orange "cake." It's actually an alien dung beatle.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEric

I think that the beer bottles on the cooler cake are actually made of sugar.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I think the "joystick" is a toilet plunger.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTychaBrahe

Ok, I know it's not for everyone, but my hubby would absolutely love that beer cooler cake. I'm actually considering ordering one for his next birthday! Hey, it's a guy thing...

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Actually, in my sorority days, we used to order a white cake and a pony keg of some cheap light beer for every occasion...it's not a bad combo.
-Shavon

January 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Shavon

I can't believe no one's mentioned the purple lepord print curtains on the last cake. They're so deliciously tacky!

January 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterInky

Sorry to correct you but beer and chocolate cake are a great combination. A stronger beer tends to go better with the chocolate, but don't knock it until you've tried it.

January 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in StL

I kinda liked the beer one. I'm thinking of getting one made now, for my boyfriend's 40th later this year!

January 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter12ontheinside

For some help overcoming the "no beer with cake" thing, http://seasonalbeerandfood.org/pdf/beer_food.pdf" REL="nofollow">this might help give some ideas beyond the obvious stout connection (and people, please, "Guinness" isn't a style, and it's by no means the be-all and end-all of cream stouts). I can personally lend a big thumbs-up to the double IPA/carrot cake connection. Actually the only way I can stomach carrot cake (the stuff's just too sweet on its own).

January 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHunter

For dieting cakes: How about the "One Bon-Bon is poison"?

Gah! You've ruined my mind! All I saw was mystery foam. I saw this cake one day and went to comment about a week later about the dieting cakes, and then I saw the comments.

January 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I am sorry but i LOVE the Beer cooler cake (although I would never drink the CRAP BEER they have in it- some good imported AlE... oh yeah)!!! I have two Beer lover friends and this would be the perfect cake for thier birthdays. Jessica M

January 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Beer with cake, blech? No way! Especially beer with CHOCOLATE CAKE! I am a baker and I adore beer with cake. But, you pretty much have to love beer and cake to enjoy them together. If you only tolerate beer, chances are you'll be grossed out at the thought of them together.

February 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather in Houston

that white lump (with lumps) on top IS a woman's form! huzzah! she's laying on her back with one knee up.

October 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoanne

I think my husband would appreciate the Bud beer cake. Is there actually real ice in with the bottles? I think that could get messy...as well a bit soggy cake though! Thanks Suzanne xx

October 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCupcakes Lady

hmmm its great :)

December 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterali love

beer and cake is perfect, beer and anything is perfect sheesh

August 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaine

At first i thought the chocolate ladies were chocolate bunnies

April 14, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterElphaba Thropp

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