My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

A Long Shot

This is not the post that was originally scheduled for today.


Because the original post - which was written last week, mind you - said the following:

"As some of you know, Jen and I are currently touring around this great country of ours talking about cake, signing books, and trying desperately not to vomit. As of today, Jen has lost two fingers on her signing hand and has twelve different strains of the flu. Other than that, though, the tour's going really rather well."

Yep, that was John being funny, and yep, he apparently has now picked up my uncanny knack for pre-writing posts which foreshadow terrible events. Only this time, it's personal.*

If you're wondering where we are right now, here's a hint:

[crickets chirping]


What do you mean, "that doesn't help any?" C'mon, isn't it obvious? That's only a super-famous sports logo for a super-famous sports team!


Ok, fine, if I have to spoon-feed it to you:

Now do you know where we are?

Er, no, not "the home of the flame-broiled Loch Ness Monster." Sorry. It is the home of the "Longherns," though, if that helps any. I'm surprised you can't see it, though. I mean, don't those cakes look exactly like this?

(I suggest you go look at those Wrecks again now, to better "appreciate" them. Heh.)

Ok, last hint:

What, nothing? Tch. Look, I don't see how this jumbled mass of shotgun shells and strawberries could make it any clearer. [head tilt] Well, unless maybe you held them up to a mirror. Heh. Yeeeah.

Margaret I., Leti S., & Jennifer F., that last one really is in a sorry state, isn't it?

- Related Wreckage: The Tell-Tale Heart

* In the past two days John has suffered a head injury, pneumonia, and a staph infection of the blood. As of this writing he's still in critical condition, and the remainder of the book tour has been canceled. (Because when we wreck a book tour, we wreck a book tour.)

« "So Funny" In Bold, with Exclamation Mark | Main | Tour Wreck - UPDATE »

Reader Comments (547)

Jen and John (hubby of Jen),

Received your book (finally!) a few days ago devoured it cover to cover while laughing hysterically. Yes, a few people asked me if I was ok. So sorry to hear that you are feeling ill. Prayers from Nashville go your way! Get better soon!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMartha

At least I'm not the only one who had guessed the first picture was a uterus!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer B

Oh no, how terrible! I hope he getts better soon!

(Also, I thought the first one was a giant tongue. Say "Aaaaah!")

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdiopsideanddiamonds

Praying for John's speedy recovery!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLawgirl

As awful as this is, I hope that you realize that he two of you are never away from home. We, your loyal fans, stand ready to fill in as friends and family wherever and in whatever condition you find yourselves.

Now stop working to make us feel better and heal, darn it!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Goodness gracious, are those cakes terrible, and that CCC (patooey!)-ugh! But so sad to hear all the bad things happening on the tour- I wish you both the best... Praying for you both!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKritterBugg

"What did the Zero say to the Eight?"

"Nice belt."

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Based on the first cake, I'd say that John is at Santa's Strip Club. Sorry to find out that's not the case. Bummer about the tour, but we're all buying the book anyway. You can post a bookplate with your signature and we'll print it out on edible paper for some DIY cakewrectory.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAuntie Meme

I thought were back on hysterectomy cakes. Maybe if John had a hysterectomy it would cure him? Best wishes, I sure hope you both get well SOON and can get back to civilization!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFavorCenter

Get well soon! Both of you!

austin tx fan

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

oh, I hope everybody is better fast!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMuum

I am so glad that I wasn't the only one that thought the loch-ness cake looks more like a uterus complete with ovaries and fallopian tubes.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeliasgone

you mean looking at a CCC replica of the female reproductive system doesn't make John feel like jumping on up out of the hospital bed? Imagine!

Continually praying you're both on the mend and on the road home soon!

WV: kerful - as in, Bakeries should be more kerful in their choice of who is allowed to touch the icing bags.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBek

I hope John's ok! I didn't get to meet you guys, but my sister got me an autographed books... yes, I own my sister $60!! She'll get it. Eventually.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

If hes gonna be in the hospital, at least its in a place where its warm. Chicago is nasty and cold, not a fun place to be sick.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Wait, I thought the wreck on the top was supposed to be some frilly lingerie from Victoria's Secret!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDrew

That post title is giving me the shivers. Hang in there, John and Jen! There are cakes waiting for you once you get away from hospital food (be theirs via IV or plastic trays). Real cake, even GOOD cake!

Not like, say, the warm sugar-free jello cubes they serve that I told them was colored flavored vasoline and nowaynohow, thankyouverymuch.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlisonH

Am I the only one that thought the first pic was Santa Claus panties?

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

First time posting here, but I've been following your blog for a while now-I love it!

Thoughts and prayers for you and John! Hope all is well soon.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRomana1

I thought that first one was a uterus, too. >.>

Sending lots of happy thoughts and good vibes -- all certified wreck-free! -- your way! Hang in there and don't lose that sense of humor.

WV: "Ousle" -- figuring out what those wrecks were was such an ousle!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentershadow

I didn't read through all the jokes, so I don't know if this one is already posted....

Two goldfish are in a tank. The first one turns to the other and asks

"So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeine

sending reiki all your way!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlisha Rene'

How awful! our prayers go out to John, I hope everything turns out okay! keep the wreckage coming! We love it!!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterColony's Cakes

a guy hears a knock on his door and when he answeres it there is a snail sitting on his front porch. the man immediately snatches up the snail and hurls it through the air and slams the door shut. two weeks later he hears another knock and when he opens the door again there is a snail. the snail screams, "what the hell was that all about??"

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterraegan

I thought the first picture was a uterus!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I was afraid John was getting a hysterectomy for a minute there! Whatever the problems, get well soon!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStefRobrts

You mean that first wreck wasn't for a bachelorette party??

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

All the best wishes to your husband!
Hope he'll make a speedy recovery!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelantrys

sending postive thoughts John's way for a speedy recovery....

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara_in_WA

You are both in my prayers and thoughts.

You are so lucky to have each other, I can tell in the writing that
John adores Jen
Jen adores him back.

("Get well soon!")
under neat that
smiley face ;)

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjennifer

De-lurking to wish John a heartfelt get-well-soon :) I'm an ICU nurse myself - the combo sounds pretty snarky to me ... hope he does okay! Take care of you too, hope you're on the mend.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMark and April Skinner

Sending you guys some healing vibes. I know you don't need any cake. Seriously, I hope things get better fast.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

I pray Jon has a full recovery...and soon. Take it easy, Jen, and get well soon.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Been there done that and bought the tee-shirt (hospital gift shop!) on the staph infection thing--it sucks but you can make it!!! And if any part swells at all (my left foot) you can put heat on it and *poof* it disappears.

Sending good thoughts your way!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJasmine

Don't normally comment, but felt I had to send good wishes both your ways.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Holy canolli you two! This definitely doesn't sound like fun times on the book signing circuit!!

I'm thinking of you both, and sending plenty of positive energy your way. Thanks for keeping the wrecks coming, despite it all.

Get well soon. Hugs!!

(WV: dentsici) John, may St. Volewart of Dentsici appear at your bedside and bless your teeth.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterredraven

I'm not usually the praying type, but you two are in my prayers. Here's to a speedy recovery so you can climb back on the carrot and ride off into the wreckset. (CLEARLY we need you. You're much better at wordplay than the rest of us.)

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterT.F.

I love your site!! Please give my best to John, Mr Wreck. So sorry to hear, and he's in our hearts for a speedy recovery.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Jen & John ~

What terrible news! I'm so glad your sense of humor hasn't desserted you. (Sorry, bad pun!)

My prayers are with you both! Please don't worry about us Wreckies - just concentrate on getting better and getting home.

In the meantime, as soon as I find something funny for John, I'll post it!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGAMECAT

I thought it was a uterus, too. (Unfortunately, it wouldn't be the first one on this site!) But since you were using it as a clue to your geographical location, I was stumped.
You and John are in my prayers!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristie

Oh my gosh, I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. Now for my bad joke:

Q: Did you know that 50% of optometrists in China have cataracts?

A: And the other half drive Rinkin' Continentals.

Ba dum pum.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Thoughts and prayers headed your way! When you both get recovered, I look forward to some sort of staph infection-themed cake, or maybe a pneumonia cake, although I have no idea what that would look like. (No flu cake though. I do know what that would look like - yuck.) Get well soon!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin K.

@Alicia, who commented on Houston hospitals: Dallas has an excellent brain injury program at the" rel="nofollow">UT Dallas Center for BrainHealth. It's no Texas Medical Center, but I think Dallas does okay.

My husband had a traumatic brain injury a few years ago, so we have become well-acquainted with the brain injury treatment options in Dallas.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteroddharmonic

WHOAH. The first one was like... WOOOOW I thought it was like a pair of panties or something. XD The frilly white banner thing and the soft red color. Pfft. XD

And omg D: I'm so sorry *HUGS* I hope you guys get better. >___< I hope you all get better soon :C

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat N.

sending lots of good thoughts your way from NC!

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBJP

Give John our best wishes, and be sure to take good care of yourself, too. We feel extra special here in Petaluma, since we were on the part of the tour that actually took place. And no, we are not going to offer to sell the copies you signed to people in the canceled part of the tour, not even for LOTS OF MONEY.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSonomaLass

Now I'm extra impressed... you managed to make me laugh, and bring tears to my eyes in one post.

Wishing John a speedy, complete recovery...

-Val in Oregon

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Amazingly, I immediately recognized the first wreck as the Longhorns logo. But maybe that's because I've seen it botched so many times.

Jeez, John, all the injuries and illnesses -- it reminds me of that poor cop car in Jumanji - it just keeps getting the crap beat out of it.

Get well soon. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKerri

What's the last thing a redneck/Texan says before he dies?

"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Get well soon John. Sorry we didn't get to meet you too. Your Wife did great at the Dallas book signing and the cake was great too.

Achmed Fubar & Amy W.
N. Richland Hills, TX.

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAchmed Fubar

Positive thoughts and good karma coming your way, for you and John.

Now, on to the commentary. I really, really thought #1 was a uterus - couldn't figure out if it meant you were in Utah or in utero. Scary prospect, either way.

Char-broiled Nessie - love it!! I figured out it was a football, but couldn't quite grasp why there are poop-waves around it. Must be a Texas-thing.

That last thing? Still trying to work out the relationship b/w shotgun shells & strawberries. I thought one picked strawberries - didn't know they had to be shot. I'll show more respect next time I'm in the produce dept.

Pat P.

WV prerfau - i'll say a little prerfau you (and John)

October 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCake_or_Death

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