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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Mar052009

This One's for the Girls

(ATTENTION MOMS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)

Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.

That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.

Ok, let's start the show!

First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...

Oh.

["Urp"ing noise]

Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.

Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!

Huh.

Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.

Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!

Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy. [gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.

By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!

Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...

Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.

Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.

Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!

What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.

In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:

a) scream b) laugh c) grab a fork or d) all of the above?

[sigh] Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?

« Great Wrecks in History | Main | Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow »

Reader Comments (146)

That last one looks like E.T.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRyan

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

O vile. O vile. O vile.

My partner will be very angry with Cake Wrecks now because my sexual motivation has entirely vanished!

Bring back the boobies; I like em better!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiranda

It's the 8 (only 8??) candles on the yellow pants that are worrying me!

I'm not sure which is the best wreck, they're all, um, unappetising. Good for a giggle though, which is pretty much all the male form is good for generally ;) Oh wait.... I have 3 kids!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShadow

Oh god, these a kind of terrifying! But where are those quintessential bachelorette party cakes?!
And I thought I should warn you... you put "your welcome" instead of "you're welcome". I hate to sound picky, but you know how it goes for grammar on this site....

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

Ew. I have no other words.

Except for the last cake, I'd have to say the answer is definitely d.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAce

*gag* Truly horrific. Tom's definitely the best of the bunch!

(btw, it's "you're welcome", and in that case, it's "effect", not "affect"...just FYI).

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

good god, make it stop.

I think this says something about the difference between hot guys and hot girls. Hot girl = Boobs? Check. Butt? Check. Done.

Hot guy = so many things. Underdefined muscles? Eurgh. Overdefined muscles? Disgusting. Broad shoulders, great; broad neck gross. Men are a lot harder to get right.

That's my excuse, anyway.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMorgan

Oh my god.
How could anyone ever eat one of those??

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBaking and Mistaking

Was that bulge in the yellow shorts necessary? I just puked a little (this was between laughing fits, however)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHorribleLicensePlates

The nipples on that last cake are beyond disturbing. Do you think the decorator thought it looked good? Like, did they look at it and think "Yeah, those nipples don't look at all the rivets on 501 jeans!"

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I wouldn't/couldn't eat those if you paid me. Oh gross!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I wouldn't have even known what number three was if it hadn't been in this post of "manly" torsos and nether regions.

EW. Yuck.

Bring back the boobies.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMallory

omg gross, these are like silent hill

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterA.M.Bush

The first one just looks like multiple breasts shoved together like biscuits being baked in a sheet pan.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkara

I'm thinking that after getting his cake, Levon, might actually get back in the closet.

w/v mings - manly things, "who in God's name baked those mings?"

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLala

oh my goodness! Those are awesome! So funny, if not a little bit disgusting (and thanks for covering up the hairy parts - I don't think I could have handled it first thing in the morning).

Gives a whole new meaning to the expression "Eat my shorts". Um, isn't "Eamon" a boy's name? And I always thought "Levon" was a boyish name as well. Hmmm.
Hard to believe anyone thought ANY of these cakes was a good idea, either as a concept or in actuality. Body hair (even fake) on a cake.....eeeeeeeeeeeewww.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKalina

Um - #3 - is it channeling Ricardo Montalban as 'Khan' in Trek II?

http://csos.movieset.com/download/movieset/o/b/2009-01/ricardo_montalban.jpg

eew - these are all splendiforously bad.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

Word verification=sancati.

I think they violated the sancati of the male form for me.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Are the nipples on the torso cake made out of pickles?????

Eeewww......

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertellicherry

EW! Ew! EEEWWWWW!!!! These are so darn gross. I'm thinking they just need to stop trying so hard and just have a nice piece of (NORMAL-looking) cake if they want it and fuhgeddabout the whole Make-it-look-human aspect. Besides, all cake should be chocolate, anyway, right? :o)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCindy in GA

Oh my word. I am speechless. Best Cakewrecks EVER. Or worst, iyswim.

I can't stop laughing.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersylvia

I want a nipple piece! I want a nipple piece!

Angie (from over at www.HalfAssedKitchen.com)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHalf Assed Kitchen

I thought men had heads....??

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNat

Wedding night nipples are pennies?????

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElena

People really paid money for these? Yuck. #3 looks more like a geographical map to me.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJAMIE'S CREW

The thing is that the nipples always look wrong but if you leave them off it looks worse. The solution to that of course is to not make a cake of a torso. And if that last one came after me, I'd scream and grab a fork to stab its eyes (or nipples) out.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie H.

When the third one scrolled into view, "gravesite" flashed through my mind. *Doubly* unappealing now.

As for the wedding night cake...like a Ken doll, it appears NOT to be anatomically correct, since there's nothing under that zipper. Which--given the bumpy one below it--is fine by me, thanks.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRosemary

Ok, that last one is a dahlek.

EXTERMINATE!

These are the most horrifying of all of the cakes I've seen here so far.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterI Love Baby Quilts!

Wow..just..um...wow. I'm a little nauseous. The men lounging on questionable polar bear rugs was much better. This post was truly urp-tastic.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

I am not sure if I have ever seen anything quite as inedible as these!!!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

oh, i have such a stomach ache now. i'm not sure if it's from laughing so hard or from the complete grotesqueness of the cakes.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkerry

Laugh out loud FUNNY! My sides hurt.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBellaLovesPink

thanks, sandy, that was also bugging me.

also, i really think the second one needs the little white box replaced, because i imagine it's pretty hilarious.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last cake looks like it went for the ol' QT sunless tanner . . .

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

the one with the bulge in the boxer shorts...
isn't eamon a boy's name? and count the candles, he's 8!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

So disturbing. What on earth could be considered sexy about a torso without a head?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteramyd

My gosh those are awful. I have never liked the stupid woman cakes, although yes I was coerced into making one, but these are just scary. ewwwwwwwwww

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Ellen

why does that last one have olives for nipples?

eww, can't believe i just typed olives and nipples in the same sentence. twice.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkikibibi

Oh noes! Cadaver cakes! I really hope this doesn't turn into some kinda "cakes for teh ladies" trend at any bakery near me.

Ick!!!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Is it just me or does cake number three look like a rotting corpse?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWicked MoXie

those are some of the worst nipples i have ever seen...

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTooTiredToRide

I'm not gonna lie, the shorts cake made laugh.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Well, at least they're not feet!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterD.B. Echo

awful. just awful. why are there only 8 candles on the yellow pants cake... not good, not good.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah, The New Girl

GAG. ME. OUT. I have to say I agree with you, my appetite just kind of flew out the window- those were so creepy!!! ALL OF THEM!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKritterBugg

WOW! These are ALL a whole lotta nasty. Body hair, or any hair for that matter, on a cake is just plain gross. Being a fan of CSI type shows, torsos (whether they're cake or otherwise) are just not something I wanna eat! The "nipples" are just plain disturbing. And the last one should be the poster child for anti-self tanners! EWWWWW...

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTrish...

ugh, ugh, ugh. gross and hilarious at the same time.

regarding Eamon's cake, I can't help but wonder if the cake is supposed to be a, uh, *rendition* of Eamon?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBusiness on TV

Oh my gosh! I love this post the most.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCamille

I'm most disturbed by what appears to be a melenoma on the left hand side of the bunch of grapes/hairy chest/old man/so many men ... cake.

It's nice to know that those with skin diseases aren't discriminated against in the world of dismembered torso cakes.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTarri

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