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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
May222009

Coulrophobia Cakes

Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns. Plenty of adults have it these days, and this vintage photo from Jessica E. may explain why:

Ah, yes: the great clown massacre of '77.

Rachel W. and I agree that the baker responsible for splitting this cake must be a sufferer:

See, now he's only got one hand to strangle you with - much better.

Plus, Melanie K. learned that bakeries today are still carrying on the proud tradition of traumatizing the kiddies:

"Come closer, little children. Binky wants to play..."

While Lulu C. discovered the ghosts of clowns past:

Or are those zombie clowns? Hmm. Better eat their brains before they eat yours, Lulu.

Of course Kyle D. is correct: no one put Coulrophobia on the map like Stephen King. Remember that freaky looking clown from It?

Because apparently this baker does.

Here he is again, only this time the resemblance is intentional:


Still, I'm disturbed. Look, I know I'm a wimp when it comes to horror flicks, but the fact that freakin' ten-year-olds are watching It is making me look unusually spineless-blob-of-jelly-like, ok? It's like the first time I got on a loopy roller coaster at age 20: There I was, about to soil myself with fear, while a stinkin' toddler (ok, so maybe he was a tall toddler) sat next to me giggling himself silly. Lucky for him I couldn't pry my white-knuckled hands from the lap bar, is all I can say.

Also, how bad does your name have to be that you abbreviate it on your own birthday cake? Sephiroth? Scooter? Sheldon? Scooby? (Yes, my knowledge of silly "s" names is limited to cartoons and video games.) Guys - your nominations?

« Sweet Tweets | Main | To the Pain »

Reader Comments (200)

Who are these people buying clown cakes?

I mean, seriously, does anyone actually like clowns? And I don't mean that you just don't care one way or the other. Is anyone willing to stand up and say: "Clowns are majestic!" or "Clown themed birthday parties are all the rage."

And, unfortunately, I think mitosis is the only explanation for those decapitated clown head picks. Only one was manufactured in 1971... now look what's happened. When will we learn. (*shaking head slowly*)

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersixela

We once accidentally picked up the wrong cake from a bakery, it was meant to say "Happy Birthday Laura" but we got one saying "P 50 !".

We took it back to swap it for our one and it was meant for a guy called Peter who was turning 50.

It's not like the bakery charged by the letter, and if they could fit our message on, they could certainly fit his name on! I think it's a male thing to abbreviate your name for no apparent reason.

I wish I had a photo to show you.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Not an S name, but I actually know a kid named Tiberius.
It's no big surprised that he goes by "Ty" and refused to tell people his real name for years...until someone saw it on the attendance sheet. ^_^

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDea della Luna

I'm positive that the notion that any kid likes clowns is one of the world's oldest myths.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiteralDan

My favorite post so far!!! The clown massacre cake is just plain wrong!

Thanks for the usual coffee spew-fest.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPetalsYoga

Did you not go to camp?

Snipe Hunt!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Does anybody else remember the clown cones they used to have at Baskin Robins? They were cute and actually kind of tasty with a ball of ice cream for the head. A big blob of buttercream on top of a cupcake, on the other hand.... I think I'll pass.

WV: nomsel - a morsel of nom

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjackie31337

LOL @ Jenn for the 'Dumb and Dumber' quote. I'll be looking for Samsonite refereces for the rest of the day.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Other Ashley

I think it's obvious. It's a BOY's Cake and his name is SUE.

Am I the only one creeped out by Lefty Clowns GOOD hand? why is he fondling himself on a cake? And while we're at it, one begins to wonder what was on the half cake cut off.....another clown doing...ok ok, I just grossed myself out.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarvinator

Without a doubt some of the scariest cakes I've ever seen. . .

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAleesuhn_Muhree

Wow. Just as I began looking through this post Sufjan's "John Wayne Gacy Jr." started playing on the radio. Creepy timing.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAbby

Sheldon?

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Sephiroth!! LOVE IT!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

*shivers*

brrr.

Sunday Sweets better be pretty damn memorable this weekend if they're going to blot out the mental image of these guys.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGlory von Hathor

The great clown massacre of '77 is a good start. Now keep it up!

Clowns give me the major heebie-jeebs. I can't look at one without immediately thinking of them as slimy child-molesters. I can't help it. They just are gross.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHungarican Chick

My Gosh! The first time I ever heard people were afraid of clowns I remember thinking "You're afraid of WHAT???? That's like being afraid of a big fuzzy team mascot. And then I found out there are people who are afraid of those too (*eyeroll*)

For petes sake people there are people in the world who have REAL things to be afraid of and you're sitting in America in your big comfy lazyboy sucking on a slurpee scarfing down nachos and shaking at the sight of....A CLOWN?????

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

I don't care what the "s" stands for, at least that kids name isn't Mike :)

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I think the comment for the third cake scares me the most.

I'm curious why you need your last name on a cake. When I want a birthday cake, I don't ask for my full name. I think the pure fact that they needed to emphasize the kid's name is weird enough. Maybe the baker couldn't figure out how to spell the name?

I actually fell asleep to It. I usually get bored with most of horror movies and leave before anything exciting happened. (I was the kid who watched Jurassic Park when she was 5, when it came out. I was NEVER afraid of the dinosaurs coming to eat me. I thought they were cute. I was afraid of people--afraid of the evils of humanity.)

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter~ L. K.

Oooh, I can't wait IT either! My parents were crazy and allowed me to watch it at a very young age and I don't think that I have ever recovered.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

Sephiroth reference for the freaking win!

For the record, I am actually more afraid of Sephiroth than I am of clowns, and clowns freak me out. I don't know what it is, I have an irrational fear of Sephiroth. There should be a fancy Latin phobia for that, too. I feel left out.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCallisto

My Dad's name was Sheldon!
My brother is Sheldon (Junior)--a name he's never been all that fond of. What GUY wants to be nicknamed "Shelly"?"
My Dad ran with the "dead end" kids when he was young, and they all just called each other by their last names.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I'm going to have nightmares tonight. Thanks a bunch. :O

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJust Me,Pilgrim

I was a clown, for a time... and those clowns even scare the heck out of me!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen W

My stepmom loves clowns, and does clowning herself. She got my dad into it; she actually commissioned a painting of her and my dad in costume (it's a cute picture and hangs over their mantel). She posted some pictures of them in full rig at a party on her website (now defunct). A veteran clown constructively critiqued her pics and said that my dad needed to change his makeup, since blue around a clown's eyes frightens children.

That's what I thought of when I saw the decapitated clown head under plastic with the blue X's for eyes. A DEAD CLOWN oh holy cats.

Clowns also have the unfortunate effect of reminding me of John Wayne Gacy. Scary.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa (& Billy)

Good thing S's name wasn't Collin or something...

let it sink in.

wv: torfoca. I got nothin, but it sure sounds funny!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMalMal

Scheherazade?
Hunter S. Thompson? (Dyslexic wreckorator with ADD who saw "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" one time too many?)

Ick, clowns. Hubby was so pleased with himself years ago when he found a bumper sticker for me: "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me." Never knew it was a Simpsons reference 'til now. Thanks!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdessertschick

I nominate Severus and Scorpius for bad names for kids.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterphpishy

I just need to tell you that I totally could not look at this post. Those clowns are FREAKING ME OUT!!!

Hopefully, I can come back tomorrow.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Oh why did it take so long for me to find your blog - this is great!!! I love cakes but I also love the comedy that is bad cake decoration!!!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJoanne

That last one literally made my jaw drop. I have to assume that the parents didn't know what was happening in the scene pictured??

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Could be the cake of the http://www.thebaseballcube.com/players/H/Shooter-Hunt.shtml" REL="nofollow">Twins' supplemental first-round draft pick last year.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbattlekow

How is the sponge on that second cake so white? That is not a sponge colour.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKirsty

Doot-doot-doodle-oodle-doot-doot-doo-doo ...*shudder*

I'm not afraid of clowns (most of the time - depends on the clown), but these cakes are HORRIFYING. Like they said on LJ's Mock_The_Stupid comm about the cut-in-half clown: "The sad thing is, if they'd rotated the knife about half an inch to the right, they'd have been just fine."

Word Verification: diumbas. Yes, the people who decorated these things were diumbasses.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwordsmith101

I "like" the cupcakes around the ghost clowns. See? The ones encased in sugar and topped with...bubblegum?

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEm

I think that S. Hunt is just way ahead of his time, in 8 or 9 years he's gonna be the raddest stoner in college.

And as for the clown cakes, we have several clownaphobes at work, I was a clown for Halloween last year, my favorite co-worker was one the year before. I think this year I am going to go a little more subtle with the clown massacre cake. That should hit the spot. Hehehe...

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I hate clowns. When the Wilton class (#1) instructor said we'd have to buy the clown heads (as demonstrated in pic 1-3), I wanted to vomit. Then I couldn't GIVE them away. Why? Because they suck.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecky B

I love that you used Sephiroth! LMAO!!!

And um - can't talk, clowns will find me! UGH, I hate clowns - there's nothing funny about a clown. >:(

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDea

I'm just glad first initial on that last cake wasn't "C".
That's all I'm sayin'.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTatersmama

My father-in-law let my son watch It when he was four. Four years of nightmares later, my son is still not allowed to spend the night there without me giving my father-in-law a serious warning about what my son can and can't watch.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHolly F.

The ice cream cone clowns reminds me of Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Boy, that was a freaky movie.

Speaking of freaky, ten years back during a 4th of July parade, a bunch of clowns walked by, and of course one had to come over and sit on my lap. They're supposed to be for the kiddos, not chatting up and squatting on twenty year-old girls. I wonder if most men become clowns so they can try and score and still come off as "innocent." I got news for them: it doesn't work. It just makes them more creepy and desperate.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBree

Sephiroth! hehehehehe

I should play that game next.
And those cakes did look rather scary.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLyn

Didn't read all the comments so this might have been said already:

In the 1/2 cake? What exactly is the clown doing with his "good" hand? It's just wrong on so many levels!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

My bosses name is "Shelter" like... a hurricane shelter. People always think its Shelden at first.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStacy

I've never gotten why people find clowns creepy. I went to several circuses when I was younger, and always enjoyed the clowns. Plus, I grew up in Chicagoland, home of Bozo. It'd be interesting to see someone with a fear of clowns see my vintage early-80s Bozo Buckets set.

Now mannequins, THEY creeped me out when I was little. So did Santa. Clowns, never.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Maybe his name is Shunt.

You never know, with those punctuatively creative decorators.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I had a grandfather named Strauther Van. All his cakes were to S.V.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFlo

We had a student whose name was Shital. Another kid's first name was Sir. Seriously!

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJodie

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. And WTF is that last thing?

wv...gater..um no that think in the sewer, it ain't.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHyena Overlord

I think the kid's first name is Scaredyet and his middle initial is ?
Since his parents couldn't change his last name they had to settle for traumatizing
him in many other ways.
I bet we'll be hearing about this kid in the future.
Scaredyet? will grow up to become a serial killer. But since his only victims are clowns he will become a hero to Coulrophobiacs everywhere.

#137

I used to date Severino, and his father was Severio.

Also, being a HUGE Harry Potter fan...I'd have to cast my vote for Severus.

May 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDonna

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