My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Basket Case

John here with a wrecky collage of cakes which are “near and dear” to my heart: sports cakes.

I like to think one of the reasons Jen was first attracted to me (besides my devastating, Kiefer-Sutherland-before-he-got-too-skinny-on-24 good looks*, of course) is my natural affinity for sports. Sure, I don't like to watch them much, or talk about them, or really play any, but I am way more knowledgeable on the subject than Jen is. (Granted, Jen thinks 4D chess deserves its own Olympic category, so that's not saying much, but still...)

Anyway, I've been asked to shed a little testosterone-fueled light on some of these here basketball cakes. Here goes.

The first thing to know is that the ball is round. Like so:

(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)

This baker solved the round problem with a classic "spinning rug of poo on a bed of scrapple" approach:

Then again, maybe it's not spinning so much as it is sprouting ear hair... which raises a bunch of other questions I won't get into right now.

(Oh, and this is probably a good place to mention that it’s never a good idea to change tips and/or Wreckerators mid-cake. Nobody likes mismatched balls.)

Next we have the ever popular basketball-flower-with-an-obligatory-face cake:

What’s with all the faces on balls anyway? Is there a rule that says that all round objects on a cake have to be looking at you?

And if so, what kind of occasion calls for a nauseous basketball, anyway?

"Ug, I think I'm about to dribble, if you catch my drift..."

At least this last one looks happy, if a bit demented.

Aaaand we’ve come full circle with the round thing again. Given that they're both dreaded CCCs *ptooie* , that's not much of a surprise.

So in conclusion, sports are an inspiring blah blah blah full of life lessons blah blah blah, funny joke that showcases my wit and charm... blah blah.

Jessica S., Hallie S., Tara M., Erin K., and Ann Marie W., try to contain yourselves, please; I'm happily married**.

- Related Wreckage: Have a Ball!

* Jen wrote that, not me. (I would have gone with a Matt Damon/Brad Pitt mash-up.)

**And by "happily" I mean "ecstatically overjoyed with every passing day" - er, did I get that right, Sweetie?

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Reader Comments (81)

Great post John... when I 1st saw this was going to be a sports post, my 1st thought wa "Eh..boring." But... this was one of the funniest cakewrecks ever! You really had me laughing, thanks a bunch for brightening my day!
SOOO hard to make circles these days...

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJust Me,Pilgrim

The combination of the baseball cakes' expressions and John's comments left me giggling uncontrollably (like with actual tears coming out of my eyes). Oh, did I mention I'm at work? Yeah....

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaitlen

When exactly did someone decide that CCCs (bleagh) were a good idea? It seems like this particular horror has only sprung up in recent years. The concept is fine, I guess, but the execution is nearly always a disaster.

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterUdonNoodles

Even my 4 year old daughter was laughing at the first cake...she knew that it didn't look like a basketball OR a net/hoop!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSandi D

The first thing I saw in the first cake-seriously-was a small girl with red/orange, poofy hair, standing with her back to us, wearing a white T-shirt and a mesh tank top over that. Someone has squirted the back of her head with Silly String.
The next one--underneat that-is not supposed to be a basketball at all; it is an orange and brown, wingless insect (of an unclassified species) that has sent her four hyperactive offspring to stand in the corners because they were bouncing off the walls from eating too much cake.

I can only surmise that the third one down had to have seen it's reflection in the underside of the plastic looks as if it's thinking, "Oh, S***! THAT thing is ME??? Guess I'm not getting out of HERE any time soon...!"

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

the first one, the ball w/ net, isn't round because it's a freaking CCC! Why, oh why, do people do this? A CCM, I understand, but a CCC? There are far better uses of buttercream than to abuse it by heaping lumpy mounds of it onto a CCC in order to fake a true cake... Cupcakes everywhere, I urge you to stand and fight for your right to be your own dessert, to have your own frosting and not share it with other cupcakes in a misguided attempt to make you other than you are!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

Do you wonder what that last one is smiling about?
My guess is:
Even though it
(1) KNOWS it's ugly,
(2) Looks nothing like anything,
(3) Has been called "Mr. Potato Head" all day,
It STILL feels lucky, because as much as being him STINKS, he can't smell it--he has no nose!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

What a great husband to be a guest blogger here! Major kudos to John. What will his next topic be?

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnna C. Morrison

I could not figure out if they deflated the ball to fit the container or what. Thank you for the ccc heads up.

But, is it basketball season? I am confused. I know it is baseball season, and I heard them talk about football camp coming up---a camp which does not include tents...but I digress.

Thanks guys!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjoyce

Would it have been so hard to just make individual cupcakes decorated as basketballs? Why overthink it with the basketball CCC's?

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Mmmm, Scrapple. The best breakfast food every invented. (No seriously, it is my favorite!) I'm actually surprised you know what scrapple is - are you from Philly?

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm about to dribble


July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEm

hahahahaha @ nobody likes mismatched balls.

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdenisewalks

Get out the air pump...these CCC balls need more round!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

"(In the decorator's defense, it is really hard to make a round cake. It’s not like they make pans for that kind of thing.)"

You mean, like the cake right next to it? Oh, the irony.

Is it weird that I sort of like the multi-ball smiling flower cake? It's neat, in a trippy sort of way. Then again, I may be the most sports-ignorant person on the planet.

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShanti

Hey Melissa,

I don't know when I started writing john (the hubby of Jen) but I did it because I enjoy the fact that Jen is the star of the show. I tinkered briefly with john (the unworthy husband of the great and mighty JEN..en..en) but it got a little wordy.

I just really like being a part of what I consider a pretty awesome community.


john (the hubby of Jen) said...
"I tinkered briefly with john (the unworthy husband of the great and mighty JEN..en..en) but it got a little wordy."
Oh, WOW...! That is a truly awesome effect, there; I instantly flashed on a boxing ring, a mic, and a loudspeaker ("In this cornah...!")--the whole shebang.
Alternatively, I also saw a bit of the old "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...!"
Too cool. You the MAN, man.

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I like the 4th perfectly depicts all the feelings I have about the game of basketball !

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn

Note to all: it does nothing for one's image of professionalism when one giggles uncontrollably from an empty office.

Reallly, REALLY shouldn't look at this site at work. You'd think I'd know that by now.

(wv: subet. "No, I'll pass on the...erm, CAKE...I'll have a scoop of subet instead.")

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGladys

Sometimes I forget that not everyone knows what scrapple is! Believe it or not, this vegan has fond memories of it.

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I love that you gave scrapple a shout out!

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterrae

"Nobody likes mismatched balls."


July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstewbert

I enjoy your posts, John, and I think it's cool that you pinch hit for Jen from time to time. Get it? Pinch hit? hahahaha... Anyway, these cakes range from ugly to terrifying. Love the bit about round pans. lol

July 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkojak

Y'all are mean. Now I'm craving both scrapple and Tastykakes, and I have the Tastykake jingle stuck in my head.

July 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTaeraresh

John and Jen: how nice that Wreck-o-mentary is something you both share! This *is* a happy marriage. :)

July 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMira8

So many "thats what she said" little time!!

July 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

I actually don't mind CCC's, if they're done well.
But these aren't done well. Not at all.

July 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSuzie Q

The cake is actually nauseated. It is nauseous because it makes everyone else nauseated, but because it looks like it's about to revisit breakfast, it is nauseated...

Sorry, I'm a grammar nerd...and I'm a little surprised you missed that...:)

Love it and keep up the good work!

July 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCeleste

I'd worry that the second one would get up and walk away. It looks like a big orange beetle.

July 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

if you look closly you can see that it a cupcake cake! they put a whole bunch of cupcakes dont have to cut it.

August 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commentereli

The second one looks more like a Halloween cake -- that large "basketball" in the middle is actually a spider and the ones on the corners are actually webs!

August 24, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbrista

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