My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

...and so fourth

With Jen currently sprawled on the couch surrounded by remotes and souped up on Darvoset, I figured it would be nice of me not to make her write a post today. She still has to make dinner of course - hey, it's not like it's gonna make itself! - but sometimes sacrifices like these are required to make a marriage work. ("Hey babe? Those potatoes are looking a little lumpy...Just sayin'.")

But seriously, *heh* we've gotten a whole bunch of Fourth of July cakes and it would be a shame not to share them. "Would you say we have a plethora of cakes?" you ask. Si, Elguapo, si.

Allow me to start with what I like to call a "wait...what?" cake:

Let's take it step by step here:

1. Start with an airbrush. 'Cuz ya gos ta show off yo mad skillz.

2. Realize you don't know how to do anything but wonky lines with said airbrush.

3. Pull out trusty icing bag and try to fake us all out with hastily splooged border and stars.

4. Add red, white and blue sprinkles to distract viewers from step #2.

Next we have donuts:

Yes, doughnuts. Because they were feeling left out of all the patriotic splooging. On a side note, I've seen my share of brightly colored icing before but this stuff makes me want to chuck it in a lead barrel and bury it in a mountain somewhere.

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?

Yeah, those were the days. I particularly like the blue over spray on the cake board here for that extra special "Meh, who gives a flying squirrel?"* touch.

And finally,

If you think I'm going to touch this with a ten-foot pole, you've got another thing coming.**

Thanks, all, for bearing with us on Jen's day of woozyloopytudeness. She should be back soon - same bat time, same bat channel - so stay tuned.

*See? Look how family-friendly I am!

**Ok, never mind.

Thanks to Sarah C., Lesli W., Gilian, and Amy G. WRECK ON!

« Happy 2ndapendance Day | Main | Taking Liberties »

Reader Comments (102)

About that last cake...THAT'S the kind of celebrating I'd like to do on the Fourth of July....who needs fireworks when you're making your own?

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCorningNY

It's noble of you to step up to the plate, John. Thank you.

Jen, if you can read this, you need more pain meds! Get well as fast as possible...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermadrobins

Might wanna rethink the use of "splooge" in this post. You're gonna get all kinds of hits that, perhaps, you weren't looking for...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermamagotcha

"Stupid English language."

That's why you always say,

"if you think this, then you've got another think coming" with a Southern Accent. it just sounds better.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Glad to hear Jen came thru O.K. Happy recovery LOL

Oh, NO !

All that food coloring just makes me sick...along with the plastic junk, tinsel and sprinkles on top !

I also wonder just how fresh (or not) those cupcakes are under all that frosting...ewwwww...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLynn

Hope you get to feeling better soon, Jen. And thank you John for being so supportive. We love your blog. I show it to all our visitors.

Today I am 53. And laughing at your witty posts just adds icing to the cake of my day! (smooth butter cream icing, or maybe chocolate. nothing red or blue, thank you)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjoyce

The last one cracked me up the most! Get well soon Jen, you're husband is funny too ;)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie the Beautiful

While at the store yesterday my 9 year old brother was just commenting on how he hadn't seen doughnuts like that yet this year, and how he wanted one. I guess it's all in the age.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

C' can do dinner....that's why God made microwaves! ;)

Hope the recovery is going well and some good pharmaceuticals are involved!

M'Kay...I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say that last cake is an arrow saying, "Happy 4th of July that-a-way, cuz there sho ain't no happy over here at this 'cake', nu-uh." Or perhaps the "arrow" is a sort of diversionary tactic meant to get you to look away from the "cake" so you don't actually realize how strongly it does not resemble a cake or anything remotely edible. Yup, that sounds good.

And speedy recovery to Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergrimperspective

Ahh...phallic patriotic rockets. Summarizes America nicely, dontcha think?

I kid, I kid!!!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Feel better Jen! and who wouldn't want a phalic 4th cake? doesn't it just scream America? (yes sarcasm...and maybe a little political feeling)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

Feel better soon Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The sans-a-hole radioactive donuts do not induce me to salute, no.

To the Anon who berates our "stupid English language" is either being limp tongued sarcastic or is a non-native speaker who resents the meme. Whatever, dude.

I check this site every night before I go to bed, because it makes me giggle.

Happy 4th of July to America! Our Marines in Afghanistan are on my mind and in my heart these days.

Jen, speedy recovery to you!


July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Feel better Jen. Good job John my fav is the CCC(feh) that looks like a bloated gallbladder. Happy 4th!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Feel better, Jen! Great post, John. I agree you'd better rethink using the word "splooge." I just googled it. Yikes!

Have lots of Darvocet, Jen! And Happy 4th!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDebbi

Brilliant. Love the last one.
Happy 4th. Hope everyone is feeling better." rel="nofollow">

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterG.H.

They all just make me think of Papa Smurf.

Best wishes to the Missus innards.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGlory von Hathor

Okay, firstly, please excuse Pedantic Music Geek, who is apparently guest-commenting for Gladys today.

Formal-English-language-abiding statement: "You've got another thought coming."

Colloquialism, per common use: "You've got another think coming."

Per Judas Priest, from their 1982 album Screaming For Vengeance, title of track #8, and which John was clearly referencing: "You've Got Another Thing Comin' (via" rel="nofollow">

:::Gladys thwacks Pedantic Music Geek upside the head, forcing her out of the computer chair, and silently prays that P.M.G. at least remembered to close all her HTML tags:::

My apologies; she gets loose sometimes, no matter how deadbolt locks I put on her cage door.

Now, to cakes: John, I'm jealous--can I just say I have only once even DATED a man who would so much as bring me a can of Pepsi when I was sick? So you, my friend, clearly fall into the category of "full of win and awesome". I must, however, take umbrage at the following:

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?

Apparently you've missed the latest trend in nationalist CCC (ptui!) creation: the 2009 "Amoebas Are Patriots Too!" initiative--to which, I submit, this brave Wreckerator and his team of flying squirrels have made a most-honorable contribution indeed.

I am happy to have been able to assist in enlightening you today.

(Seriously, though, to Jen: I hope you're feeling better and that the whatever-it-was-you-had-done-to-your-girlybits makes whatever-your-symptoms-were go away and never return. Enjoy those Darvo's, and we'll be waiting for your next Wreckorative post!)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGladys


That was awesome.


Wow - the last one. Just wow. And hope you are feeling better soon! Happy 4th!

Breath-e, who asked if the creator of the last cake usually makes Bachelorette party cakes made me cringe at the thought of a Bachelorette CCC and what else that might include.

I've been a faithful reader of this blog for about 6 months, and it's not without it's side effects. I'm hosting a bridal shower this month and am terrified at even the THOUGHT of trying to order a cake.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina

very nice, john!
hope you get to feeling better soon, jen! :(

btw, did you notice you spelled donuts two different ways? (donuts and doughnuts)

...just thought that was strangely interesting! hah

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

My mother used to make a birthday cake for the USA every July 4th.We would all make bets as to how long it would take for the icing to completely melt off the cake at the cookout. You are in my thoughts, Jen.

You said "splooged".

Ha ha ha!

*ahem* Great post John and feel better soon Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca F.

haha there are some scary cakes out there!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBald Celeb Outing

Hope Jen is feeling better and back to full blogging speed soon!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternewsjunkie

I think I'm totally turned off to cake now. I never LOVED cake anyway, but, really...who would want to eat anything on here? (I'm not ripping on the the blog! I love your blog and can't wait for your book to get published and show up on my doorstep!)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDangGina

thanks jon for not letting us down. wreck on my friend. wreck on.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlauren aka mlpieters

10-foot pole? I wouldn't touch that last cake with a 10-INCH pole.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Muffin Man

Love you guys!!!! Feel better on the couch there, woman. Don't believe him about dinner....I hope. lol LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaybee

Awesome stuff, John! Kudos!!

Jen, get well soon!

And Happy 4th of July to both of you!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterScritzy

nicely done john! get well soon jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterteri

So the phallic cake totally made me think of the old 90210 episode where David & Donna totally got their bid-nez on. And the cake is complete w/ fireworks (I'm assuming those sparkly decorations are supposed to be fire-cracker-ish) and it's own ummm....well, YOU said "splooge" first. (Yep, it's hidden beneath the fire-cracker-ish sparkler thingies).

Hope Jen has a speedy recovery and that her drugs are effective.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjen

Get well soon Jen!

Have a happy 4th to all! ;)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I don't know if y'all have seen this:

$500 equivalent??? I think NOT!

Sure, it's cute if you're not good at baking or decorating cakes and want to do something at home with your children or friends, but other than that NO WAY!

(aka kagomeshuko)

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBridget Delaney

Dear Jen (and Jen's Hubby),

Get well soon.

Also, since I was with the family today order a Cinderella cake, can you feature Unhappily Ever After cakes? You know, when fairy-tale cakes go the way of the brothers Grim(y)?

PS, This may bring cheer to you:
The Walmart baker shot me a dirty look when I told my mom the cake picture looked like a "pile plastic floatsam adrift on a sea of glittery pixey dust and broken cobblestones."
It didn't help that they had a "cakes we made" album right next to the professional cake catalog.

Don't worry. I'll try to snap a picture and send it if its magically wreckalicious. Party's on the 11th!

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Maybe the CCC is supposed to be a firework exploding?

OK, that would take a LOT of imagination, but maybe.

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOutbackJon

First- John you totally ROCK for posting for Jen. Second- I love the
4th and so I wish I had have read this on say, Sunday!
Have a great holiday and feel better soon Jen.

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJHalmes

Great job on the post, John! I really thought "you've got another THING coming" was deliberate, hilarious, and I intend to use the new and improved expression from now on. It's funnier that way.

I love all the patriotic wreckage, that final uh, "rocket" is mahhhvelous! Lily

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Well. I have to admit as weird/gross/crazy/funny as the cakes are that you post, it's STILL cake! Right...? But yes, there still are a fair few I don't think I could bring myself to eat.

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

The border on that first cake makes it even worse. At first I thought the whole thing had been iced over, but someone removed the icing in the middle. And that the icing had left stains.

I hope Jen feels better soon!

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

All i can say is you are very patiotic! great job!

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMr Iron Chef

John, what a sweetie you are to post for Jen. Take good care of our girl, ok?

July 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMira8

I totally get the patriotic CCC - it's a firework display! And the blue overspray.....the lingering smoke!!

July 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I fear the donuts. D=

The 'rocket', oh my. I'd rather have the simple but tasteful white swirly cupcakes with a sparkly pick stuck in them than that...thing.

The top cake actually wasn't that bad--looked halfway decent, compared to the CCC (ptooi!) Whoa. THAT was bad.

Ah, well. I love the USA and all its wreckiness!

July 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa (& Billy)

hey Jen! I have some cake riding punk baby nudists that want to be on your blog:

July 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The word 'splooge' makes me giggle (that's the part of me that's still a 10-year-old boy...despite the fact that I never WAS a 10-year-old boy!) I like that you used it multiple times :)

July 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaurenH

Grocery store cakes are so depressing. I used to work at Publix, and my cakes NEVER EVER EVER looked like that. EVER. It's so sad that my fellow grocery-store employees didn't take the same care....

July 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercelestialcakes

hey jon -
This post was extra funny because in some circles "splooge" is slang for...uh...a type of male bodily fluid. If you already knew that: Dude! Do not put "splooge" and "cake" in the same sentence again! Yes, it's funny, but still. :-)

July 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShell

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>