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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul302009

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty


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Reader Comments (277)

A secret undercover photo reveals WHY we confuse Jen with Jem.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3003/2911789875_549907f2b5.jpg

after all she is, Truly Outrageous.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh Man, this is my dream!
Although my cheese "cake" will not look like those, ick. I've had some seriously bad wedding cake in my day... gross and disappointing. But, I've never had a bad piece of Manchego...yum.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Pork freaking pie? You have got to be joking! No? That's just wrong.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNorkio

The sad thing is in that last one...no I can't tell the difference. That's disturbing to me on so many levels.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbodoba

Aaaaannnnnnd my diet is back on! Thanks Jen!

By the way, what the heck is growing on the wall in that second picture?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

Ok yes, a flour and sugar cake at a wedding is traditional, but it's not the REASON for the wedding for crying out loud. Some of you are reacting to this cake-of-cheese phenomenon with the kind of horror I'd reserve for cannibalism...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMira8

Personally? I *loathe* cake. Just loathe it. At least I could eat the cheese without gagging.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCharlene

The second one is by far the worst one - repulsive. If I were the bride, I wouldn't even display it - assuming it isn't what she asked for... ;)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMalibu Niki

Cake..made of cheese...at a wedding? How disgusting!

PS LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog! Now every time I browse my local grocery store or super center, I've got my eyes peeled for wrecks!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEx Smoker Girl

Noriko, Pork Pie is wonderful. It's like Chicken pot pie, lobster pie, pasties, sambussa and any number of savory pies. They DO exist, you know.

Savory pies were made so workmen could have a nice lunch they could put in a pocket or poke and take out on the moore, or into the mine, or whatever. They've existed for HUNDREDS of years.

Do you think pot pies are gross? Do you realize that mince pies originally had pork, or at least pork fat in them? some still do? It is Mince MEAT, right?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

My brother in law had a wedding cake at his first wedding that was a replica of the church, AND it was made of cheesecake. Lots of dancing, hot room--presto. The Georgian front pillars and pediment started to fall away from the rest of the "church." Later we realized that the marriage probably started to fall apart at the same time.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm hungry, so I am going to get some cheese now. I have both a nutty Swiss and a very sharp cheddar calling my name.

Word verification: biketh. I wouldst biketh many a mile to partake in thy matrimonial ceremony, if I can only haveth cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterScritzy

Now I really love cheese, but an entire wedding cake made of cheese wheels instead of cake is just not right.

Besides, how can the bride and groom smoosh it into each other's faces if it's just a hunk of hard cheese?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

In Lancashire in the UK (my home county) there is a tradition of eating cheddar cheese with fruit cake! I kid you not and I have no idea how it started, but at least we don't forget the CAKE. The Quote goes "A little bit of cake without the cheese is like a kiss without the squeeze!" I've never seen a cheese cake like these before though!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDrawn to Caricature

@ DevNAbbyMom and everyone who responded to her...

There are SPAM cupcakes. They're frosted with mashed potatoes. You can see the recipe here, with a photo.

http://www.foodchannel.com/recipes/761-spam-cupcakes

As for cheese as cake, no thank you!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

COOL!!! I'm not a sweets person, and hate cake (only enjoy laughing at ugly ones) so these rock - savories to go with more wine instead of that nasty, disgusting sugary crap called "dessert."

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

At first, even despite the nasty blob on the first cheesecake I was thinking, "hummm...they may be ugly but I'm sure they are tasty."

Then, the cheese "cakes" started and this pregnant woman became nauseous. Thanks for making me not want to eat cheese for the next 6 months.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCheesecake Momma

Now, I loves me some delicious cheese, but it has no business taking the place of a wedding cake. Cheese plate during cocktail hour? Great, I hope you also put out some quince paste and almonds. Cheese plate instead of cake? HALES TO THE NO. YOU CANNOT FROST CHEESE.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMorgan

Everytime I read cakewrecks I wonder if I'll see something better than the firetruck weenie. With almost ever post, I think "that can't be possible"

Today all I can think is "Pork pie?" Pork pie? Pork PIE?

I'm not sure you'll be able to top this post....

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterS3XinthePantry

I'm guessing that last one was at a British wedding from the traditional condiments on the side - Branston pickle and Colman's mustard.

Frankly I'd rather eat cheese then cake and love a really good pork pie, but decorating either as a centre piece for a wedding is just wrong and bad.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChellonia

I can sort of understand a cheese cake. I was recently at a wedding where the groom and several guests were gluten sensitive. The opted for gluten free lemon cupcakes though. Understanding aside, the flowers on the forth cake look like Remembrance Day poppies and that's just wrong on any wedding cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterheartfruit

O.k the pics were funny but the commenter prefers "a good stink and a stiff drink" brought it all together for me. Thanks for the funny!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

There was a cheese table--a really good one--at the last wedding I attended, but they also had a truly decadent chocolate cake. Wonderful combination!

That said, knowing how hard most good cheeses are to cut (they're either hard or they squoosh,) I can't imagine what a pain those big ol' stacks o' cheese were to cut under the pressure of 200 guests all ravening for a bit of fromage.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

I love cake! I make it on any possible occasion and I'm dang good at it....... BUT if there is one food I prefer over cake at any given time, it would be cheese. That is why you have a nice cheese platter (not shaped like cake) AND a wedding cake. That would be bliss.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Why?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkat

Looking for more cheese puns? check this out, from a renaissance fair I went to last year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDqlQd6QZgU" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDqlQd6QZgU

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLuke

Pork pie is like chicken pot pie..only with, um...pork.

Yes, Europeans (and the British) have a cheese course between the main dish and dessert. Some opt to skip dessert.

It's good, by the way, and can be very satisfying.

BUT. It is NOT traditional to serve a wheel of cheese decorated as a cake.

Every EU country I can think of serves a sweet cake-like dessert at a wedding.

Don't know who screwed that up, but it wasn't France or the UK or anybody else.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I wouldn't mind a cheese "cake" but it shouldn't be any of the blue cheeses - those don't look right. I love cheese in any fashion, so I guess I'm biased.

I do hope people are exaggerating when they put such an emphasis on the cake- "that's why people get married."

Cheese, cheesecake, or sweet cake, it should be tasty.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkerry

I am laughing but yet nauseous. Do they ask the bride and groom to cut the cheese ?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGrace

Wow... those are UGLY!
And "cakes" made of cheese? I love cheese (being French, it's pretty hard not to), but even in France we don't have cheese instead of cake at weddings! Cheese is served BEFORE dessert, not AS dessert. And in any case, I intend to have a nice, ultra-sugary, non-wrecky (I hope) American-style cake at my wedding. Mmmm... :)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Eh, however you want to take the cake. But, please, if you're going to serve any of the stinky variety of cheeses at the wedding, foreworn people. I'm one of those that can't stand the smell. And multiple perfumes/colognes are bad enough. The cheese would send me over.

I know, I know. If I'm 'too sensitive' I could always walk out. I'll leave the wedding gift behind, but I would be seriously 'cheesed' at being forced to miss the party and eat out in the parking lot.

Otherwise, I love cheese even for desert (especially the crumbly, English ones with the lemon/ginger and mango bits in it)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

Ewww that just puts a whole new meaning to 'Cheese Cakes'! Because before now I always wondered where the cake was in 'cheese cake' and if there was really any cheese involved. I really wish I never found out.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

SO glad I was not the only one to get stuck on Jem...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Of all the weddings I've attended, I have only enjoyed the "wedding cake" at two of them: my own, and my brother's -- and he had chocolate chip cheesecake. All the other wedding cakes have been dry and nasty, with revolting over-sweet icing. I would take my brother's cheesecake, or a well-assembled cheese table (Brie, Stilton with cranberries, Roquefort, cheddar), over the styrofoam-and-sugar-shock any day.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Good...lord.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeedubya

So, I like cheese, I like cake, and I like cheese cake, but "cake" made out of cheese makes me want to vomit.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGiana

Stephanie:

I like the French Traditional Wedding Cake, better, even, than regular cake. Sometimes.

There's nothing like a nice croquembouche!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I want the last one!!! That's a marvelous idea! (In that really horrible 'WHAT IS THIS' sort of way.)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter~ L. K.

I can dig a "cheese" cake at a wedding! Especially since they so rarely involve fondant.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

Gnarly. Cheese in place of cake, what is this world coming to??

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterchicken lips

I would have loved to have a giant mound of cheese at my wedding. I love cheese. I would not however have replaced the wedding cake with one made of cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterehudwill

I am a cheese whore, too! Just the one comment about Manchego got my mouth watering!

That said, I think the cheeses would look so much better individually laid out artistically on a table.

A cake would also be served.

But a wedding with cake AND lots of yummy cheese?

I'll sing at your wedding for free, if that's the case!

Mmmmmmm, cheese!

Sue KuKu

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSue KuKu

Just wanted to say that I've really enjoyed following Cakewreck! Although this one was "cheesy". ;)

Some of my regular readers have started to follow your blog as well (I have you linked on my blog).

Thanks and keep up the good work!

http://pogmothoinblog.blogspot.com/
http://jenniferannphotos.etsy.com/

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I love cheese, but I don't understand why anyone would do this. However, I've seen that they do. I work at the cheese counter at a grocery store, and this summer we've had a woman come in and take photos of various wheels of cheese in preparation for doing this. I love cheese, but it's not cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentereinsideout

I love cheese. I do. But this is just too much. Who loves cheese enough to replace the cake completely? Even a hard-core Atkins/low-carb follower can't possibly bother with carb-exclusion on their wedding day! And to impose this on guests? Ew. Just... ew.

To quote the great medical genius, Dr. Gregory House: "Cheese is the devil's plaything." (Season 2, Episode 14, "Sex Kills)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJena the yarn harpy

No offense, but to everyone saying that they only go to weddings for the cake: REALLY?!?!!?!
You're not going to celebrate the bride and groom's special day? That just seems sad to me.
Ahem...
As for the cheese cakes, I like the idea, just not the execution of these. These are wrecky.
I would have opted for something a little more formal, like a camembert topped with rasberries, hazelnuts and a fine selection of chocolates. Served, of course, with nutella and crusty bread.
There is nothing wrong with dessert cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

I flew first class once on my way home from the Philippines. They offered me a choice of wine and cheese for dessert or chocolate cake or berry tart. I chose the chocolate cake AND the berry tart, but bypassed the wine and cheese. WHY? Because, people, wine and cheese are NOT dessert!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkarina

Horrific that someone, anyone, would consider cheese an acceptable substitute for wedding cake. (And I LOVE cheese!) How do the guests get their sugar high to go along with the champagne high? I'll bet every single one of those marriages end in disaster.... starting out like that.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStuffCooksWant

oh my goodness... barf!

I wonder, when the bride and groom cut the cheese, do they still smear it in each other's faces, or do they use a can of Cheeze Wiz for that?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Lovables

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