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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul302009

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty


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Reader Comments (277)

what can I say that others haven't said? nothing! they're all right. wedding cheese instead of wedding cake. It's a shame, I didn't even see crackers to go with the cheese!! or wine (like vintage or something)! what's up with that? (sorry i'm a little buzzed right now! mmm... moscato wine yummy)

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

i actually like the look of them!! i think they look rustic. i do prefer the taste of cake though.

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteraprilbree

pityacker....

humility - get you some.

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

My fiance doesn't like cake. In fact, he doesn't really like ANY desserts except for this stuff called Russian Cream and the occasional cookie. It's a trait he shares with most of his family. I do like dessert and I love cakes, so we're having one, but I really don't see what the problem with this concept is, aside from several of the above being poorly presented. Cheese is delicious!

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLilivati

now the question is: how many crackers do they need to serve with that 'cake'?

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterS

I worked as a waitress at big events when I lived in England, and those events included weddings. The cheese cake that's made of a bunch of layers of cheese? I thought/hoped/made mental prayer deals with whatever deity that listened that it was just a trend in England. Clearly not the case. Yikes.

Making it even worse, it was just... cheese. No bread. No crackers. Nothing to go with it. People lined up at the serving table to get a hunk of cheese. Failtastic.

August 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterYvette

I'm sorry but there's absolutely nothing wrong with cheese as opposed to cakes. It may be heresy to post this here but cheese is wonderful and not everybody has an incredibly sweet tooth - in fact, some people positively dislike sweet things (and those of you drawing in breath sharply might like to consider the state of your teeth). After all the rich food at a wedding, I'd be happy enough with a rich cheese board to finish. I wonder if your attitude has to do with the fact that American cheese is generally horrible? And, BTW, you go on about tradition but the tradition of cakes and all the silly fussiness you see at modern weddings is about a century or so old at best. Tradition my a***.

mmmm - that turned out snottier than I intended. Still in defense of cheese I must ride out. I usually really enjoy your blog too. Pax.

August 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermaxon

Hey guys,

I honestly have to wonder if you guys have any sense of humor at all.

john

August 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

at first I saw "wedding cheese cake wreck" and thought "WTF is wrong with a wedding cheesecake?"
then I saw the pictures.

I was all set to defend them, but ugh. stinky cheese? holy heck.

BTW, I had a "Cheesecake Wedding Cake". Honest to goodness sweet baked cheesecake. And got tonnes of compliments on doing it "different".

August 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina

Er - the USA is not without it's fantastic non-whiz, non-"American-singles" cheese. And I love a good cheese. I just don't think it's dessert. LOL! More like, mmmm....a course BETWEEN dinner and dessert. drooool.

Oh - and cheese isn't always paired with bread or crackers. Fruit is a fantastic accompaniment as well. Well, and wine.

It's funny to see people who tell us "brash, brutish, crass" Americas to "get culture" while ironically being woefully undereducated about the culture in the USA.

August 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDea

Jen, Jen is sarcastic, ohhh Jen,
Jen is fantastic, ooohhhh

Squiggles and sprinkles
Frosting and flames

Jeeennn, the cake is outrageous, truly, truly, truly, outrageous
Whoa ohhh, it might be contagious, contagious,

Jen is her name, and cake is her game,

Jen is her name! Jen!

August 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

with that last pork pie one... I'm assuming that the pork pie was the top layer because it looks like pastry... so I wouldn't be keeping the top layer to eat on your 1st anniversary for luck... How romantic would it be to spend a night in the emergency room getting your stomach pumped??

August 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZarna

Hahahaha, we had a 'cheese' cake at our wedding. We couldn't get rid of it, we ended up throwing most of it away there was so much!

August 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

A variety of cheeses at your wedding? Sure, go for it.

Stacked like a cake? Well, ok, if you must...

Instead of a cake? ... Are you insane?!?

August 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdiopsideanddiamonds

Nom nom nom, cheese. Good cheese is so expensive, and so delicious -- I would totally go to those weddings just to have some! And fondant sounds gross, anyway. :P

August 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMasha

THAT should be illegal. I hope the Bride & Groom were pelted with cheeseballs until bruised. I would SOOOO take my gift back.

August 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdenise;)

Hmm.

Loathe though I am to disagree with your fabulously entertaining blog, I have to assert that, what with cheese being *the most amazing foodstuff in the world*, there is nothing wrong with having a tastefully selected an arranged 'tier of cheeses'-type setup for one's wedding.

Some of the pictured ones are reet ugly though, I'll give you thatmuch.

August 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarina

Easily some of the most delicious cakes I've seen on this blog :D

August 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl

There is a tradition that the 'single ladies' at the wedding sleep with a slice of cake under their pillow to dream of their future husband.

Sleeping with cake under pillow = romantic.

Sleeping with cheese under pillow = revolting at best...

August 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat C

Anyone else think the groom figure on the first cheese wheel cake looks a bit like a 70's Elton John? sideburns, glasses...? No?

Everybody who's so down on the cheese wheels should hope the couple tries to order their cake from National Cheese Emporium. (google it if you don't get it)

I'm not a huge cheese fan, but I wouldn't throw a hissy if that's what my beloved family member or friend chose for their special day, I would simply politely decline to partake. I really can't believe the shallowness of some people on here, making it about themselves or material issues. If you're being sarcastic, it's far from obvious.

(I'm an American, FWIW)

WV: juduc. What a Hebrew does when you throw a cheese wheel at him (or her)

September 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm sure plenty of people have already said this, but I freakin' love cheese. I think that's a really cute idea - though I agree that the aesthetic of these particular "cheese....cakes" leaves much to be desired.

I would recommend doing a cheese....cake with kind of a rustic theme...maybe put a basket on the bottom, and rather than trying to doll it up and cute-i-fy it, just put some grapes and grape leaves, and on top, two baby pears. (Get it? The perfect.............PEAR.) OH SNAP, it's two - two- two puns in one!

September 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBluejeanphoenix

Nasty. I can almost smell those cakes from here. Too funky for me. ;) xx

October 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCupcakes Lady

I'm sure there is still dessert at these weddings. If I ever had a big showy wedding, I want would have a cake made of cheese, and lots of pies and chocolate and ice cream for dessert!

April 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

maybe next to my amazing cake made of cheese, I'll put a fruitcake covered in fondant with the words "obligatory wedding cake" piped on, just to make everyone happy. of course there would still be a real desert. maybe creme brulee?

April 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I am getting married to a man raised in a cheese maker family. His mother insists that we have one of these cheese wedding cakes made with their cheese. I am not saying no because it will be free and tasty... just a little odd

March 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulia

Wallace and Grommit might like it, "We'll go somewhere where there's cheese"

March 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

when trying to "pretty things up" as you put it, one would think they could 'ice' it with cream cheese before sticking the flowers on it.

July 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCitrine

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