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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Jan252010

Bakeries From Beyond

John and I like to watch those ghost shows on TV. You know, the ones with the frat boys bellowing challenges into empty rooms, and then running and screaming like little girls because "Something just touched me, dude! I swear!" Yeah. Those ones.

We also like the ghost gadget guys, who get unreasonably excited measuring things I've never heard of, and spend a lot of time trying to convince us that a bit of static contains some other-worldly message, like "monkey nuts."

Anyway, I got to thinking: what if these shows did a bakery edition? Eh?



[spooky announcer voice] "This week, on Bakeries From Beyond!

"Our intrepid crew pays a visit to the most haunted bakery in the entire world. Has Jumpy Jen and her crew of ragtag Wrecktators bitten off more than they can chew? Or will they earn their just desserts in this poltergeist-packed patisserie?"

[squeaky voice] "Well, we definitely sense a presence in the walk-in fridge..."


"...and strange things happen to our cakes overnight."


"Plus, customers are always complaining that they feel like they're being watched."


Announcer: "Soon, the Wrecktators are making shocking discoveries of their own!"

"So first, the electrojiggahiemers were off the scale, and then we found THIS in our photos of the display counter. This could be the evidence of Wreckage after death we've been looking for!"

Plus...

Frat Boy: "Hey, ghosties! I bet you couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag! Yeah, and your bakery is ugly, too! You call this a window display?"

"Why don't you do something scary for once? Huh? In fact, I'm not going anywhere until you PROVE to me that...uh...

"Dude, what was that?"

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!"

Romina B., Mimi P., Andrea, Tim E., Nicole M., Jennifer H., & Bea V., dudes, I think something just touched me.

- Related Wreckage: 9 Out of 10 Child Psychologists Agree...

« Look Out, Germany | Main | Sunday Sweets: When Mario Marries »

Reader Comments (103)

Thanks, John, for the story behind that cake. Considering it's Halloween at the time of the picture, how very appropriate to (ahem) retire the cake that way. and yes,Tracy, I DO see a bloody handprint on the left of the torso...

"poltergeist-packed patisserie?" --great line!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjo

BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
I love those shows! Especially the one on Animal Planet where they keep flashing to clips of startled pets. My cat looks startled every time I laugh to loudly at this site! Which I did reading Jen's spooktacular comments today. :-)

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHobbit

Considering I have had a chocolate coffin with delicious cream, fruit and strawberry topping (and yes, it did look like blood) these desserts are not that off-putting. Maybe the strange one that has the figurine on top of it, but that is because the cake looks burned, not iced. Lol, bad pun.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentershikishinobi

Ugh. The "hairy ghostball" that's "looking at you" grossed me out the most, mainly because I have eaten one of those. They're squishy and indeed fuzzy feeling; it's basically like eating a stuffed toy. Never thought I'd see one show up here, but the recipe for those things is a wreck in itself. And yet, people buy them. *shrug*

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteve the Pocket

Thanks, Anonymous, for pointing out that dot on cake #5 was a bug; I was afraid it was going to be something nasty.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWATERBABY CHRISTINE

So in this one my 5 year old said the first cake was "A cake, with bloooood!" She draws out the word. I swear I didn't teach her that.

The red and white cakes she called, "A smiley cake, with blooood."

I think my kid is watching too much Vincent Price on Scooby Doo.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

I'm glad you explained that last cake, John. LOL I almost wondered if it had been photoshopped! Well...at least they had a sense of humor about it!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Help, someone! Is that REALLY a paper umbrella in place of the pink pig-thing's snout?

Somehow I'm finding it hard to believe my eyes here, although to paraphrase Jen, that's "a little like complaining about the in-flight peanuts while the plane's going down." Love it!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarliO

I really don't comment much but as a paranormal investigator, I had to for this one. These cakes rock! Uh, in a creepy, 'who would want to eat that' kind of way. I chuckled through the entire post, I dunno, maybe it's me and my dark sense of humor, but I thought they were funny.

As for the ghost hunting shows on television, the ones that *do* fake things for the camera and *do* have pretty blond hosts (or clueless young men) screeching in fear and so on are *not* indicative of the hobby. Please don't assume that real paranormal investigators all act that way, because we don't, and we as a whole typically get pretty offended at the way some people portray us on television. If you want to see what it's really like, go on a ghost hunt yourselves, there are typically organizations in any major city that will welcome guests. As for television, Ghost Hunters and Ghost Lab are probably the best representations of what we actually do, although 99% of groups haven't got the extremely expensive equipment that they do, because groups in real life can't afford that stuff. A thermal camera is approx. $15K, for example. In the real world, we have digital cameras, digital voice recorders, a video camera, and perhaps an emf reader of some sort if we're lucky.

Ghost Hunters and Ghost Lab don't fake their evidence, and no good group worth their salt will do so either, it goes directly against our ethics. Just wanted to point that out. There's more in Heaven and on Earth!

wv: kness -- These spooky cakes will bring big, bad psuedo ghost-hunters (more like ghost busters!) to their kness.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWhitewater

Ummm - the cake with the Fly? The fly is under the plastic dome... The cake DID kill it.

First time commenter - long time reader. I work for a supermarket chain so it's part of my job to come look to make sure none of our store labels are ever showing... LOL... Reading you every day is WORK!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Way to find the funny in some sad and scary cakes!

Fanboy's Wife's "strawberry stigmata" is still cracking me up, too.

The ghost hunting shows are one of my guilty pleasures, too, although I enjoy a good piece of chocolate cake with buttercream frosting ever so much more. :)

Word verification: serva, as in "I wouldn't serva piece of that one to anyone I liked."

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

hah - yes, and the eyes watching you have THREE pupils each. Run for the hills!!!!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermaxon

Fabulous post! I did not think it was possible to laugh this hard.

You folks are truly talented. Love your book and now I have got my adult kids hooked too. Thanks for "wreckin" my family!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

THAT PINK THING IS ADORABLE! Can I have it? Pleeeeeease?

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Mmmm...this stigmata tastes like strawberries! :P

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I actually really really like the pig/owl one that is fourth in this post. It's so cute, and now I want one :)

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy L.

The first one of the bunch was the most disturbing, I think. Eww!

Glad John posted the inside story on the last one. Clever, but creepy, way to retire the display!

And I liked the little sleeping doll head in the cooler. My mom has made similar cakes for baby showers, so I have a fondness for them. :)

OMG!!! My two favorite sources of entertainment in one place!! Thanks Jen!!!

Kelli Millard

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelli and Troy

I love the pink cake. I'd rather be haunted by that type of spirit.

The last cake would make a good movie poster for a slasher film. "Wedding Day Massacre" has a nice ring to it!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBree

Maybe it's just bacause I'm weird, in fact I know I am, but I thought the last one was really cool in a grotesque, surreal, wedding-themed-holloween-party sort of way.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I like the creepy pink one with anime eyes. It's adorable and unsettling at the same time!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

Jenn, as always a wonderful post! Jon, thanks for the backstory it helps a lot. I'm also wondering if a new product that cuts gumpaste will help or hurt wreckerators... http://www.cricut.com/cricutcake/
We'll have to wait and see who can manage to put letters or designs on upside down or backwards.

wv minsfeon: Answer to a waiter's question, ie; How's the food? Minsfeon, but the cake needs some REAL help

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJeanette

Aw, darn. I was hoping the Boob Nazi would have posted a comment about the lack thereof on the last cake(s). I think we can't overlook as a suspect the "always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride." She wanted to be the one to cut the cake for once...and so she did.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjillb-ilslp

That pink pig thing is actually a little cute....

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJoyce

At least I'm not the only one to think the pig is really cute. I laughed as hard as I have all day over the last two, brilliant.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCassy

I actually kinda think the first cake is pretty cool. Of course, my favorite classic lit author is Edgar Allen Poe.

But the pink cake? That's the creepiest. I like it too, actually, because it reminds me of Coraline.

Those eyes look like buttons, you see....

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCalli Arcale

Cake #5 is an awesome pepper's ghost effect.

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSyracuseWolvrine

Wow....those are awful. I've been watching those shows lately and I think the wrecks capture the essence of them very well. :)

The head in the walk-in was my favorite. Too weird.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRita

I think that was the best post ever. Well not better than Amber, but up there.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Poltergeist-packed patisserie = greatest use of alliteration ever.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterksaldria

I love that the wedding dress cake was transformed into a bloody bride with a severed head and apparently arms as well. Perhaps she was relieved of these appendages at the armpit line of her torso? I love your commentary, this site wouldn't be nearly as hiliarious without it! "You couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag" had me laughing as hard as the wreckage did! Thanks for the time and care you put into your posts, they make my day!

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

We have those shows in Malaysia too. Most of the time the participants ended up crying hysterically, INCLUDING the boys.

Still, it must be cool to see some of these "unique" cakes. Ours are dead boring in comparison. You will probably be glad that the horror of CCCs haven't spread here yet. The power of the internet might change this soon...

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMishi

Ew. The first one is terrifying!

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer B

Since I am a horror junkie I think horror and bloody cakes would be so cool for Halloween and even weddings when two people who are horror junkies get married. But that little pink anime looking thing was just too cute.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

OMG. I think I'm gonna pee. And not because I'm scared. Aaaaah Cake Wrecks...a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise bleak and grey London.

Lisa

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I think this is one of my favorites ever!!!!

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

LOL the last one had was very lady gaga-esque.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrockie

Yeah, I'm so ridiculously happy my photo got posted! I remember how shocked I was to see that nasty cake in the display window of a cake shop in China. I don't know what grossed me out more... the moldy straw, the inch of dust, or the cracked icing!

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternicole

One of your best posts evar!!

I watch those shows too. Hilarious to see grown men about to pee themselves because they saw their own shadow or heard a rat.

Keep up the wacky wreckiness.

January 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJedi Knight Ivyan

The 'killer wedding dress'--wow. Talk about your subliminal suggestions. 0_o Hopefully this cake wasn't ordered by the bride's mother-in-law, her fiance, or a jealous bridesmaid who hates her chartreuse organdy dress?

Maybe the wreckorator was just dumped by her fiance? *shudder*

The rest of them? Eeeyaah.

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa (& Billy)

You know, it's quite fitting that they decided to kill the last cake around halloween (evident by what looks like a Jack O Lantern cupcake in the display, unless they keep that there year round).

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpurplewowies

I think the cake with the girl's head actually went with the last pic of the murder cake...

January 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

For Lady Gaga?

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPaula Tomey-Allen

What's going on with the cake next to the disembodied head? (there's a question I never thought I'd ask). It looks pretty tragic, but we can't see all of it. Wreckminds want to know!

Sue (who is too lazy to sign up for google so it looks like this is anon, but it's not)

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I especially love that when you do a close-up inspection of cake #5, you'll see a FLY sitting on the cake. Ugh.

January 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Dude! Bro! Two of my favorite things in the world together at last. The huz and I give Ghost Adventures the MST3K treatment wert Friday night (Loved when Joel McHale called Zak "Scooby Douche"!). Let's put a digital recorder under that cover and see if we can get an EVP of the dead fly.

January 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Aww. The weird pink thing is kind of cute... whatever it is.

And the bottom dress makes me want to watch "Carrie."

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

Hi, I just had to respond!

We are the designers of the stabbed cake: http://www.beasofbloomsbury.com

Originally I had resisted against putting wedding cakes in our display, but my architect friends designing the shop persuaded me to make a cake model that we assumed no one would ever want! As a result, 'Mathilda' was made, and photographed constantly for months---every day a horde of people with camera phones, a celebrity in her own right.

And then she got dusty, and then the bottom and then we had additional wedding cake models that deserved centre stage.

As Halloween was around the corner, we decided to retire her in a wonderful fashion for Halloween. Also, considering our shop building was built in 1860, I'm sure there's quite a few ghosts hanging around.

But yes, it was purely for Halloween purposes and I could never imagine someone ordering that as a divorce cake! :)

-Bea

March 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbea

I have actually had the first cake, the blood like substance is raspberry something or other and on the inside its 2 layers of dark chocolate cake separated by a layer of raspberry goo that kinda seeps into the cake... sooo moist and sooo good! Definatly a place to check out if youre ever in Port Stanley ontario!!!

March 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

What?? I would really like to know the story behind the last one there. And the first one. I mean, who orders/makes a bleeding cake?

July 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJumbleMash

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