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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Dec222010

Well, This Is Awkward

We at Cake Wrecks realize that there are some of you who don't celebrate Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or any other winter holiday. Heck, you probably don't even like winter all that much. Or snow. Or puppies. Basically, there's just no making you happy. So, in an effort to placate your scrooge-ish sensibilities, today's commentary will be completely made up of awkward, holiday-free small talk. Enjoy.

So... how 'bout this weather, huh?

Yep...I hear it might even hit 20 degrees tonight. Here! In Florida! Crazy.

...

So...

Have you heard if they canceled Castle? 'Cuz that would be a bummer for Nathan Fillion.

You know, the guy from Firefly?

Firefly. C'mon: the Joss Whedon show? Really popular? No? You've...never seen it. Oh. Um. Never mind.

So... [puffing out cheeks]...yeah.



Uh... Chris, right? What do you do again?

Oh, you're an accountant. Great.



You know, my lawn is just completely dead.

...

Probably the cold.



So... how do you know Janet?

Bunko, huh? Huh. I've heard that's...fun.

[checking watch]



Hey, you know what I could use? A beer. [elbowing ribs] Nothing better on a cold night, am I right? Eh? Can I grab you one?

Oh. You don't drink. [nodding] Well, good! Good for you.

[scratching ear]



Now there is a smokin' fine woman. Hoo whee! Get a looksie at that caboose!

....

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize you had a daughter.



Do you know where the bathroom is? Over there? Oops, Janet just went in. Guess I'll just wait.

[fidgeting] [sigh] [adjusting cufflinks]




Woo boy. I'm getting kinda hungry... think I'll go check out that cheese platter. Want anything?

Lactose intolerant, huh? Bummer. Well, it was great talking to you... Christine, right? Ok, yeah, I'll talk at you later. You can count on it! Heheh, get it? That's a little number humor for ya.

Oh, and sorry again about the caboose thing. You have a lovely daughter. In fact, I...am leaving now, yes. Sorry. G'night.


Thanks, Tyler L., Vanessa D., Somer P., Reginia B., Rachel H., Jason D., David G., Christina N., & Ashley. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over here sway-dancing in the corner and trying to avoid eye-contact.

-------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #10

Heifer International works to end hunger and poverty and care for the earth by providing gifts of livestock and training so that communities can generate sustainable incomes.

Please click here to donate your dollar.

« For the Rest of Us | Main | Prepare To Feel Festive »

Reader Comments (98)

oh man, a non vegan charity. i guess I'll give my dollar to someone else today.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Let's see. As an anonymous commenter already pointed out, the Pac-Man cookie is "simple and easy to do."

Buy a big cookie at the store. Next, you will need frosting. Two or three pounds ought to do, but it must be yellow. If you don't have yellow frosting, use butter. If you don't have that either, you can use lard with half a bottle of yellow food coloring mixed in. Add a few drops of vanilla extract and drink the rest.

Grab a trowel from the tool shed and apply the frosting. If you get it on anything except the cookie, you have to start over from the beginning.

Finally, have someone who actually knows how to do stuff cut out the mouth and write your message, and you're done! No one will know that you don't care in the slightest.

I am offended, though, that the cookie in the picture mentions 'holidays'. How exclusivistic (if that's even a word) and insensitive. Couldn't it have just said, 'Happy Days'? No one will think it refers to the TV show, because it's a Pac-Man cookie.

MC & HNY

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

I know who the first on is!! Its Mr Hanky The Christmas Poo!! Gotta be a South Park fan to know who that is.....

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterhunypooh77

Uh Jen....you might want to post a disclaimer to note that Castle is NOT canceled and is not in any danger of being canceled. I about had a hear attack.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

My heart stopped a little when I saw "Castle" and "cancel" in the same sentence. Don't DO that!!!

Oh and BTW... how much do my fellow Firefly fans love the Firefly references they sneak into Castle every now and then? Huh? I KNOW!!!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBuffy

Wait! I see the flying saucers! Wait. No. It's just fireflies.

Great holiday scare piece.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

Hey, this may have already been mentioned, but you may want to think twice about donating to Heifer. It's a nice idea, but the people who even get some of these animals cannot afford to care for them and they often die of sickness or disease. baby chickens that are shipped overseas often die before they get to where they're going. Additionally, Heifer has already been featured on Oprah, so even if they're good all around, they've already gotten TONS of publicity.

As an animal lover, I ask that you look into this organization a little more closely, and maybe pick a charity that could use the bump, or at least something more local.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly

Joking about Castle being cancelled is NOT funny. The rest of the post, however, was giggle-worthy. Although I should mention that I've known some very amusing and easy to talk to accountants.

As for the "cakes":
#1 Is that a bow-tie? Or is this character like a St Bernard, just carryign candy rather than rum?

#2 if my head were impaled by a triangle, I'd be bug-eyed with a mouth frozen as an "O" too!

#3 You know a cake's bad when even the PLASTIC (inanimate) skeleton (long-deceased) dinosaurs (long, long extinct) keel over! Bit concerned about the red droppings and weirdly spread icing, too

#4 The snowman ate the cat? or is he participating in the ugly sweater contests too?

#5 what IS that? no, wait, I don't want to know...

#6 Sad. But at least I can figure out what they are. Which is more than I can say for most of today's wrecks

#7 I do not want to know what led to this slice-removal. Given the unappetizing leaching of green and red icings, and the sinking feeling of the holly and berries, I'll pass. To another bakery...

#8 What's with all the green and orange? And what IS that supposed to be? It's so revolting-looking, can this be one of those cakes the wreckerators have to eat as punishment?

#9 I think someone's gotten into the "special" cake a bit much...

@Kelli-- happy birthday! It's my bday too. The work cake was almost badly enough decorated to be eligible for CW! So, so close :)

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAliza

Castle canceled??? You shut your mouth! I had to verify that it was indeed renewed. *phew* I love me some Nathan Fillion!

Thanks for keeping me continually amused all year. Happy Holidays and have a great New Year!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkaliseviltwin

The awkard person is named Christine? C'mon, we Christine's already are associated with demonic cars and songs about mental illness. Don't dogpile :-(

PS They cancelled Epcot? But, Captain Eo was so cute in his brown coat.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

@Beth--you forgot to mention Nathan's a frisky gynecologist.... now there's incentive to watch, ladies! and baked goods--pies with very funny suit-the-mood-of-the-baker names.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I LOVE firefly!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterrachel leigh

Reading a Castle, Joss Whedon AND Firefly reference in one blog made me very happy. Just hoping that they DONT cancel Castle like everyone says. That is one of my absolute favorite favorite current shows right now.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel S.

I don't celebrate Christmas, hate winter, rarely drink, am lactose intolerant and my husband is an accountant. So while I am feeling a little made fun of at the moment I still love the blog (both of them!). See I'm fun!!!!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErica

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

And to think these items are all availabe at fine baking establisments!!? I don't even recognise some of them as an edible food product.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterilze

A lot of my friends celebrate http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2007/12/its-beginning-t/" rel="nofollow">Newtonmas.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermjlayman

Love the cakes, but Castle isn't cancelled! And it won't be *crosses fingers*

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I laughed really hard when I saw the fruffy mound of white icing spray-painted green.
Then I laughed really hard when I saw that it was a lap dog.
Then I just said "What the heck???" over and over when I noticed the size of the dog's head.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJoanna

This made me sad and kind of offended... you're really purporting the idea that people who don't celebrate any holidays are miserable human beings that hate puppies? Just because I don't have a faith or anything doesn't mean I hate everything... thank you so much for helping spread this horrible stereotype. I would have expected better.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hey, I celebrate yule. How about some cakes celebrating the sun returning and old norse gods? I'll even settle for a Wild Hunt cake...

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterInvi

Hilarious, as always.

So glad to see Heifer International promoted on the site. My grandparents have volunteered at the Heifer International Ranch in Arkansas for almost 14 years, and have made several trips to other countries to see the good that the organization is doing firsthand. Amazing stories. I love what you're doing for donations, as well as the blog!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRena

I'm glad I'm not the only one who had to go Google about Castle! Don't DO that to me!!!

Best show on tv, hands down.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

There are people out there who don't watch Castle? Or know who Nathan Fillion is? Why are they even wasting their time breathing?? LOL

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterev

C'mon guys,

Really? Do you really think we're suggesting that people who don't celebrate this time of year are scrooges? Really? Do you really think that Jen and I believe that if you don't celebrate Christmas, you don't like puppies and snow?

I just... I can't...

john

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

I missed the crucial "if" in the Castle statement, and my first thought was that if anyone would know about Castle being canceled, it would be Jen! I about died. I didn't make it back to the cake post for a good 5 minutes as I googled frantically. Whew. It's good to see I'm not the only commenter that was worried. I LOVE that show.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTech Mama

Anonymous said...
@Beth--you forgot to mention Nathan's a frisky gynecologist.... now there's incentive to watch, ladies! and baked goods--pies with very funny suit-the-mood-of-the-baker names.

:) Frisky, yes. No one does that combination of awkward/flirty/sweet better than Nathan.

You can also read more about the amazingly talented woman who wrote, directed, and acted in the movie, Adrienne Shelly, at this great fansite: http://waitressmovie.net/the-cast-crew/adrienne-shelly/

Some of the hilarious pie names and even recipes are also here: http://waitressmovie.net/jennas-pies/

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

Andy, thanks for posting the "space cowboy" clip! (I still enjoy watching it.) I remember I got so excited I nearly pee-ed my pants when that episode of Castle started!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Castle is definitely the best show on tv right now! And totally agree that Firefly is awesome. I didn't watch it until it was already off the air but have seen it at least 2-3 times already. LOVE the Firefly references they sneak into Castle too, especially his Halloween costume this season!!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

My name is Stacey, and I am a Browncoat!

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStrista

I've visited today's CWs three times (morning, noon, night) with the hope that at least some of them would make some sense later in the day. Didn't happen. Especially the last two. Very confused. Going to bed now. Need sleep.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Bite your tongue on any possible cancellation of Castle! It's doing well in the ratings. I think we're safe.

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJulieLeto

I just realized how often I need some explanation to go with the cakes as I'm looking at them to understand what they are supposed to be! Ahahaha...ha?

p.s. I celebrate both puppies AND snow, so no worries here. ;)

December 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjj

1. Love the commentary.
2. If you (the reader, not the writers) don't like the charity du jour, then don't donate. Simple.
3. I never take the commentary or intros too seriously, as the whole purpose of this blog is to provide humor, and hopefully I'm not in the minority. I don't believe I've ever been offended by anything I've seen or read here. You all rock.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

Aeii! Poirot zee Snowman - he 'as fallen on a chat and smashed eet flat!

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

john - Don't waste any energy or brain cells worrying about it! Some people are just looking for a reason to be offended. Too sensitive and self-absorbed. Waaa. (On the other hand, my prior statements may be offensive to them. Hm. If the shoe fits...)

You and Jen are fantastic and big-hearted with wicked senses of humor!

Merry Christmas!

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjillb-ilslp

Geez, people, it's a JOKE! Why do you read this blog if you can't take a joke???

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJulia Strong

Dare I even ask why there are dead skeletons of dinosaurs on that one birthday cake? Is it a hint the person is an old fossil? If so I would throw the cake at whoever brought it home lol.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

Seriously! The Wreckenators need to lay off the booze...

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnneke (Mudhooks)

I've looked at today's post several times, and #1 is one of the California Raisins. No, I don't know why.

#3 The Cake That Time Forgot.

#8 If I get out the 3-D glasses, will I see something that makes sense?

#9 Holly picks at each corner, dark green border, mysterious red splotches outlined in green, white background. Put them all together, and you have conclusive proof of extraterrestrial life.

That is, if the Mars Rovers do find evidence of life on that planet, it will be a bakery -- the headquarters of the bakeries that produce wrecks like this one. They live among us.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

Oooh.. you scared so many poor people. Thankfully Castle is doing just great and ABC is very happy with the way it's performing...if you're every worried - keep an eye on the fan site for any news (check out the spoilers there too *wink*) it's the most accurate source of info.

http://www.castletv.net

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCastleTV

Very shiny! Love the Firefly reference.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTravis

Ok, I was going to comment, but y'all got it covered, I see. ROFLMAO.

Oh, wait, I got something. That thing, the one with the triangular tag stuck in it? I thought it made sort of a cute Santa, in a sort of post-modern kind of way. Other than that, these are the Ugliest Pastries this month.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterscyllacat

Oh my god I just had a mini panic attack when I thought Castle had been cancelled! I actually had to go to google and check. It was a scary moment.

December 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Heifer is the only charity I will not donate to. I have my reasons.

December 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIgnatius

I love the snowman, he reminds me of a Tim Burton movie, he looks like he belongs with the homicidal ghost penguins. Encore Encore
Toni

December 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Thanks for the LOL. I can't be bothered to make small talk with the fam anymore, it's already been 4 days with them!, and now they think I'm crazy for laughing because they don't know I'm reading cakewrecks :)
merry christmas :)

December 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMyBakingEmpire

OMG, I LOVE Firefly!! I was heartbroken they only got to make one season. Serenity helped wrap some stuff up, but Firefly should have been given a chance. Nathan Fillion was also in season 7 of Buffy, he played the creepy priest working for the First.

Elizadeath

March 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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