"Settle down, class; it's time to begin. I would welcome you to your second day of Frosting 101, but frankly after this many years of teaching I find your eager little faces to be an inexorable scourge, dragging me down each day to fresh depths of hellish ineptitude.
[brightly] "So let's just get started, shall we?
"First of all, you should note that I often use the words 'ice' and 'frost' interchangeably. So you brown-nosing idiots with the bags of ice can just go dump those in the sink. Yes, now. Thank you.
"Okey dokey, I will now hold up the results of yesterday's pop quiz and mock you each accordingly. And since I can't be bothered to remember your names, I've assigned you each a nickname based on the individual horrors of what I will laughingly call your 'cakes.'
"Let's start with you, Mr. Gap-Cracky."
"Oh, be quiet; that was rhetorical.
"Next up is Ruffles."
"My dear, how is it that you managed to change the colors of your icing, but not the tip on your pastry bag? Is that leaf tip glued in place? Or are you just sentimentally attached to making really, really ugly things?
"Oh, you think that's funny, Stegosaurus? How about we look at *your* cake?
[rubbing temples] "And next we have Sprinkles."
[sighing] "I would lambaste you with a withering criticism, Sprinkles, but I can see from your vacant expression that intelligent thought is lost on you. So just give me your sprinkles jar and go sit in the back. Go on. There's a good boy.
"I have to hand it to you, Ms. Puff n' Stuff; if I hadn't cut into your cake I might not have discovered your deception:
"What's that? You like icing? Well, Duncan Hines, girl, *I* like my pancreas. You think we can reach some kind of compromise that doesn't include me in diabetic shock? Hm?
"And finally, for your final classmate, I'm afraid I ran out of clever nicknames.
"Ok, class, time for you to get back to your bakeries and ruining the happy occasions of cake lovers everywhere. Have fun. I'll just be here, weeping for your clients."
Hey, Courtney H., Kristi R., Gaye E., Jennette F., Jennifer V., & Val S., check it out; apparently the good teacher here also moonlights as a therapist: