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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Jan212011

Stairway to Heaven

I have to be honest: I've never really understood the whole wedding-cake-plastic-staircase thing. I mean, who first decided the wedding figurines might need to take a stroll down to one of the side cakes?

Not to mention this looks more like a video game level than a wedding cake.

"Ok, what you have to do is, hop over the leaf-shrooms, collect the heart rings, and then duke it out with the Moopa-Moosers down at the bottom. Oh, and watch out for the barrels."

Then, after providing this thoughtful pathway, the decorators go and make it completely inaccessible!

How are they supposed to get down there?

Or battle their way through all that foliage?

Granted, I can't think of a better place to put your plastic deer collection.

Of course, it goes without saying that all this extra height means you have to put a clear plastic light-up fountain under the cake. (Don't bother questioning it. You just have to.)

Mmm. Drippy.

You know what, though? These cakes still don't have enough going on. What do you say in addition to the stairs, tiers, figurines, and light-up fountain, we cover everything in Louis Vuitton?


Ah, rampant materialism climbs to new heights. I like it.

But it's STILL not enough. Can we get a few dozen miniature bridal party dolls, a Barbie cake, a few bolts of tulle, and the Amazon rain forest in here now, guys?

No, no, don't take away the stairs, fountain, or multiple topper figurines; we need those.

***

All set? Alrighty, let's take a look.


YES!! BEHOLD MY CREATION!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Hey, Anony M., Genevieve F., April L., Anony M., Marla B., & Elle J., you must admit: this thing is so gosh-darn tacky it's almost kind of awesome.

Or...not.

« Sunday Sweets: Fun Wedding Cakes | Main | A Day In The Life »

Reader Comments (161)

Why are the deer on the staircase? Just, why?

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterA.J.

Are those streamers on the red cake? Seriously! It looks like blood.

Also, I wonder if they misspelled the bride's on the second cake. "Nathale", huh? Perhaps they meant "Nathalie"?

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

As a baker, these are the cakes that haunt me in my dreams!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenniffer

That last one is like a Habitrail for extremely prissy hamsters!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGloom Raider

Of COURSE you need the deer!!!

They go with the turkeys on the bottom.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Nearly spewed cereal on the screen when I saw the deer, but it gave me an idea of how to display my miniature china animal collection. Thanks CW!

Anyone else think the stairways look more like fire department ladder trucks?

wv: flasm = flashy flotsam

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Inconceivable!

By the way, did anyone notice the turkeys with that deer cake. And yes, the next one does look like dripping blood.
Of course, now I'll always think of video games if I ever see a wedding cake with stairs; which I am fortunate to have never actually seen.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjeliecam

Yikes. I want a fancy cake at my wedding, but that is just entirely too much. The last one made me chuckle. If it were any bigger, the flower girl and ring bearer could use it as a play place.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

Ooh, and it makes me wonder....

What, no wedding cakes with stripper poles?!

As for those deer, maybe the guy was into hunting, or the bride's name was Bambi? Personally, I just hope those plastic deer weren't carrying plastic deer ticks.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

I thought the drippy cake was some crazy, old school wedding cake until I looked behind the cake to see the modern logo of one particular multi-billion dollar company. And I still wasn't surprised.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHannah B

I have never seen or heard or experienced these cakes. Thank God.

Also, the cake (third from last), the one with the blood red icing coming off it, pictured on a counter in what looks like a bakery, did anyone else think...."when did Dunkin Donuts start making wedding cakes?"

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteri-cant-talk-now

Upon closer inspection (thank you zoom) I think it looks like the little couple at the top of the Louis Vuitton cake come complete with luggage. The groom looks like he's holding a little bag, and the bride appears to be hauling a suitcase. Not sure what else those could be. Other than tacky, I mean.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterthesacredandtheprofane

Louis Vuitton never looked so cheap.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDorci

I was sure you were making that last bit up...that was one crazy cake!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

BLIND!!! I've gone blind!!! Oh, the humanity!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSeeJaneBrowse

In that last one, it kinda looks like the bridesmaid action figures on the right are climbing the tulle in a full-on assault of the barbie cake. I can hardly blame them.

WV: yakin. The bride just kept yakin about everything she wanted on her cake.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterelissa

Louis Vuitton has always seemed a bit tacky to me anyways (unless you are lucky enough to own vintage luggage by the marque) but the sheer amount of LV decoration on that cake was incredible.

that last is priceless!!!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbeautifulmonday

OUCH!! Flash-back to my 1981 wedding. What was I thinking???

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm embarrassed to admit we had the stairs and the fountain on our cake. In my defense, I let my husband, who has no sense of taste, pick the cake. He was throwing a hissy fit that all his other ideas were being thrown out. I was 20 years old and didn't want to argue about it, so it just happened.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpixie

I have nothing to contribute, as I'm lacking for words.

wv: Sphonse = the name of the groom for the last cake, poor guy

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

So, although I read you all the time, I have never commented. Until now. The thing sooo important for me to say?

Clear plastic light-up fountains?

Hol-ey frijoles, I think that is AWESOME. In fact, I think most cakes—and honestly, most things in life—could be improved by a clear plastic light-up fountain. I have so many questions though. Do the fountains work?

Okay. One question.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStimey

I married in 1986 and stairways and fountains were "the" thing! Yes, I had both! *blush* Thanks for the laugh.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Arteberry

I wish I knew where pictures of my Grandparent's 50th anniversary were! It was 1981 and my father did "a cake" (as in an array of cakes, stairways, etc) that was about 3 feet tall and 4+ feet wide. Beautifully done of course but still overwhelming, mind boggling ...

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Valinda

It's like an Erector Set for Wreckers!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanger Boy

Terrible! That staircase thing is SO tacky! I am so happy I stuck to simple and tasteful.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlisha

The bloody cake is sitting on the bakery counter at WalMart.

Note to self: Do not order wedding cake from WalMart.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

I once went to a wedding with a (very tacky) laddered, staired, plastic-toppered, Magic Kingdom-style wedding cake, complete with red Kool-Aid fountain underneath. The bride wore Mickey Mouse ears through the entire reception, which was at a VFW post with a tank outside. Her three-year-old son (by someone else) screamed through most of the ceremony. (I believe they're divorced now...)

I have to say, though, that last multi-cake horror is even tackier than the Magic Kingdom cake, something I previously thought impossible.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ. F.

@ A.J. - the deer are on the staircase because they were scared away by the wild turkey on the ground. I wonder if the bride and groom wore cammo at the wedding?

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last one: 'Cuz if your wedding cake fits on just one table, your parents don't really love you!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCake-'drake

That first fountain one looks like a grizly murder just happened at the top. It's like what the wedding cake would look like if Freddy maried Jasson (assuming they're in a state that allows that)

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDani

Dear Lord, there's a PERGOLA on that last one!! I'm so bummed that the bride is cut off at the side of the photo. I believe I see a pink glove - I would love to see the rest of the ensemble!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

They did one of these cakes on Cake Boss. They had an order for 14 individual wedding cakes for 14 weddings that were all taking place at the Empire State Building. So they made 14 small cakes and connected them with the stairs and I think they even did a fountain. They went "old school" as they put it. It actually wasn't that bad. It helped that the cakes were all just plain white.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShauna

Walmart has been known to hold weddings, so why not sell wedding cakes too.... These are HORRIBLE!!! So glad that I kept my wedding simple and too the point...

Blood dripping cake, mmmmmmhhhh that sounds appetizing.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNo Cake Fo' YOU

Maybe with the carpeted cake they were trying to get the newly weds all excited for their honeymoon. It does look like the hallways in a Holiday Inn.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMina

That last cake has to be from the '80s...look at the cheap satin shine of the bride's dress behind the cake to the side.

Otherwise...wow...those horrid lit-up fountains, the tacky drapery...just...wow.

I dislike most wedding cakes, even the nice ones, but these are...wow. Just....wow.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

i didn't realize that after the prom incident, Carrie decided to get married!! at WALMART!!!!!

wow. seriously. i did not know that some walmarts had a bakery that did wedding cakes. :::shudders:::

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkittymidori

HAHA, bride's name is Bambi.. that comment made me laugh.

That drippy one... I gasped... I immediatly thought it was dripping with blood and had to enlarge it to be sure... that was aweful. And if I went to a reception and saw an LV or one like that last one I would have to leave.

These are why, when asked about wedding cakes, the first thing out of my mouth is NO STAIRS AND NO FOUNTAINS!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSandy C also in SoFla

Is it a bad thing that I now want a cake with staircases so I can show off my old school Battlestar Galactica action figures?

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersnarkygurl

Reminds me of my mother-in-laws wedding cake. If i get a picture I am sending it in. 12 cakes with bridges! It took up a 8ft folding table. HIDEOUS!

TexasBlueEyes

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTexasBlueEyes

OH. Wow. I need a close-up of the last one. How many little pink-clad plastic people are there? Is there a mystical magical happy number for plastic figurines?

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana

The best part about that last one is that they did not remove the cake topper from the packaging that it came in. That clear topper on the highest tier should have been unscrewed from the packaging. That's beautiful.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh my hell.

You HAVE to zoom the last one, as the detailing is utterly lost in the photo.

Mismatched pillars, dolls with cake as a skirt, stair steps, fountain, dayglo plastic flowers, green crap stuck into it...

It's like someone went through the Wilton catalog and said "Use it ALL"

Unfreakingbelievable.

WV: tearac. Seeing a cake like that brings a tearac (a plastic tear) to my eye.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last cake I think is for a quincenara (sp?) the magical "15th" bithday... usually they go all out and and times surpass the entire wedding look... the "groom" looks very young in the picture and the doll on the front tier kinda gave it away.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

Yeah, someone bought those stairways to heaven...O.o

#1 Looks like either someone had 2 cake toppers and couldn't decide, or MIL purchased one because she thought the cow B&G were silly.

#2 There are 27 people in the US with the name Nathale. One of them got married on my brother's birthday!

#3 How do they get down? They don't need no stinkin' staircases. They're in love...they float down. *lovey dovey mushy mush*

#4 Looks like the groomsmen had a little extra time on their hands to play a joke on the happy couple. I really hope the cake decorator didn't put deer and turkeys on there!

#5 A fountain...I guess whatever distracts you from the rest of that monstrosity...

#6 I don't think LV was the wreckerator's fault. I can picture a bridezilla - "Here's a swatch from my bag - match it!"

#7 As I was reading I knew, I just KNEW you had such a cake, but couldn't quite visualize it. Thank you. It's probably flowers, but do I see a rat/ferret descending the staircase of the middle tiers? What is that!?

wv: cluve. These wreckerators haven't a cluve as to what they are doing!

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLoo-E Loo-I

I'm afraid my girls are going to love these...

it's a good thing they're still young and have LOTS of years before we're picking out a wedding cake.

Lots and LOTS of years (you hear that girls? girls??)

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterT

Cheestastic!!!

WV: Etstra. All those cakes have way too much etstra stuff on them.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristie

On the last photo, is the thing on top of the central cake a diving platform? In which case, shouldn't the cake(s) be floating in an azure pool? Where are the life preservers? And the divers? The decorator missed such an opportunity...

*shudder*

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermadrobins

this reminds me of a cake at a wedding when I was like 5, I thought it was so cool. As I was remembering this 2 of my kids came up behind me and looked at the pictures and were like "OH, those are so cool!" I guess it's a kid thing;)

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterteresacooks

wow... just wow.

WV - Destra = destraction by that barbie cake resulting in loss of words.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergracefall

Gawd, that WalMart cake looks like it's for a service at a slaughterhouse. "A bloody fountain under the cake? Perfect!" A wedding cake only Stephen King could love.

January 21, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergena

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