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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Feb072011

The Cake Cannibals

Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.

And so she did.

The rest of the bakers gathered round to congratulate her, and before long they'd all agreed: baby butts were surprisingly appetizing. Reeling from this rear realization, the bakers went on to change the face of baby shower cakes forever.


By turning it into a baby butt.

The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")

After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.

Literally.

"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.

And so, they did.


Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.

Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.

And so it was.

And, once again, everyone was happy.

At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"

Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.

Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!

Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.

At last, the bakers felt they had arrived at the pinnacle of baby shower cakedom. They would continue to fine-tune, of course: a cherry filling here, a plastic baby fished out with tongs there - but overall, their cannibalistic urges were sated. And all was well.

Until they discovered gelatin.





[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]

Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.

« One of These Things is Not Like the Other | Main | The Super Bowl of Sunday Sweets! »

Reader Comments (300)

Why does it say "Farewell, Baby Noh"? Please tell me they didn't name the baby and then decide to terminate the pregnancy. And then celebrate by eating cake.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last cake is, by far, the most disgusting and disturbing cake I've seen on this website for the 3 years I've been following it. I'd rather eat the fungus-covered foot-cake than that one. Seriously! must.think.of.my.happy.place....

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnnapanna

Oh my god. I think the water broke on that last one. I think I'm experiencing some morning sickness of my own right now...

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara

What is wrong with people??? I have learned not to drink coffee when I read your blog, because frankly coffee out the nose hurts. But now I'll have to remember not to be eating my lunch either. I just know I'm going to have nightmares about gelatinous mutants oozing out of stomachs.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa B

That thing taking a swim in the last one looks like Egghead Jr or Chicken Little or somesuch. Must have been an animated birth.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

"Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers" = Gag.me.with.a.spoon.

"Farewell Baby Noh" cake - This whole cake just seems....wrong. Why farewell to the baby? Whatever the reason, why is there lingerie? Is this a sad cake? Also, that looks like the inside of a real thigh.

"Gelatin" cake....
Speechless.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterania

I have never posted on here before but am a long time reader.

That horrid gelatin disater will never be erased from my memory! EVER!

Thanks!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMaryn

NOOOO! MY EYES! MY EYES!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

:( I dont want to eat the baby!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy S

Never saw that coming...yikes.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

my eyes! my eyes!!!
trauma
fear
loathing
brain burn

there's no words enough to match that last one

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMrsNose

I might be opening up a can of worms, but when will they give us a cake showing the conception??

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulie M

I was FINE... FINE I tell you... until that last one! If I ever go to a baby shower and see that I will be the one screaming.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKnit Wit

I did put my coffee down but as I went further down the line i didn't seem to have any problems with drinking it while I looked. So I took a sip and scrolled to the last picture. I choked on my coffee you told me to put down... The last one is absolutely terrifying.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That is disgusting... I think that would make an expectant mother toss her cookies all over it. What a great way to end a baby shower!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSkwishee

Long time listener, first time caller.

dude. that last one was wrong. amniotic fluid made from gelatin with happy fetus inside. *blech* reminds me of aspic.

We need follow up stories for these cakes. Like who the hell cuts it, eats it and how.

Thanks for the laughs and then the final grimace, though. Love your blog.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBar-b

bahahaha The pictures are horrifying yet hilarious. and the comments are even better. I just about peed myself over the electroshock therapy comment.

the last one though, one person said exactly what I was thinking. "why, oh why".

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterL.A.C.E.

Speechless. That last cake...effing speechless. Jaw-dropping, stomach churning, vomit inducing, speechlessness!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

I'm gonna go with the glass is half full theory and say that Cake #4 is a farewell from her fellow exotic dancers as mom quits to have baby Nok. Or baby "no one knows" as they dubbed it at work.

But that's just me.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentereinaphets

Ewwww - that's just gross!! All of it, but especially, ESPECIALLY the last one. Ack!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

This is...well, words fail me and I'm a WRITER.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterblackwhitereadallover

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHH!

*uncontrollable sobbing*

Why would anyone DO that???

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ

Maybe I'm crazy, but more than gross, I find that last one hilarious!! If I was served a piece of that last monstrosity, on the other hand, I'm not sure if I would be laughing so hard...

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulie B

tell me someone has invented a way to scrub that last image from my brain - truly - truly horrific!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterT

That last one will haunt me for a long, long while. So much for my lunch break...

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That first cake isn't baby bottom, it's a scrotum with feet. I'm mean, look at it!

As for the last, gelatin with cake? eeeww. what? oh. OOOOOH! I'm supposed to be horrified at the fetus. Mostly, it's just lame.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlisagems

I wish we could see video of the crowd reaction to the unveiling of that last concoction.

That white squiggly lump to the right of the "baby" reminds me of that white squiggly fleck in eggs.

One cake singlehandedly put me off two foods. Thanks, cakewrecks.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentereinaphets

To Anony @ 11:56, :-D

The meatloaf baby wasn't technically a cake, as gross as it was. I put it as second in my book.

This is an actual CAKE. With Jell-O. And a gross gummy baby...er plastic? Thing. Was that baby even edible?

What's missing is bananas, marshmallows and strawberries.

"Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies." -Willy Wonka, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLoo-E Loo-I

Note to self, DO NOT have a baby show and if you do, make the cake yourself! Usually CW has me laughing like an insane person. I am still in shock from the last cake. And I thought zombie movies were creepy, that takes the cake, so to speak.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT LAST ONE IS JUST NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Mitchley1, I am crying with laughter and nodding my head in agreement.

Jen you have outdone yourself. Brilliant and painful. Perfect commentary! Womb with a view... I am still dying here.

~Yet another Jenn, albeit one from Oregon

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

the last picture is horrifying

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh dear god... that last cake. My mind just refuses to accept that some living, breathing human being thought that the combination of a semi-revealed, teddy-clad female torso, clear jello, and a never-been-exposed-to-sunlight deep-cave-pigmentless-white baby was a sane idea. Especially given the presence of what looks disturbingly like *AN UMBILICAL CORD* suspended in the gelatin. I'm really hoping that's just really some odd reflection/clouding.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermsbarrows

um...eh...wha?...*sob*...*scream*...loses any craving for jello.

What in the world? That is seriously the worst thing ever! The cakes were weird and made me wonder why, but the last one? I uttered a involuntary "Ugh!" and I think my lips are still stuck in the eww position.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

That last one will guarantee that I will never eat, let alone look at another cake again. Not to mention the nightmares that I will be having now.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

These almost make me think that a diaper "cake" is better.....ALMOST.
ANYTHING to do with baby feces or birth should NEVER be represented in cake form. Edible or not!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenternamaste27

NOOOOOOOO!
They did NOT float a plastic? edible? baby in gelatin?!!!

That is hilarious/awful/revolting/shocking/and amazing all at the same time...

But mostly, just GROSS!!
;) Mags

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMags

Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

wv - beles lololol

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Funny enough, I think the "farewell" cake is more disturbing, because someone had already chopped part of the leg so it looks like a dissection corpse.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

THERAPY!! I NEED THERAPY!!!!

What on bloody Earth possessed someone to do that last cake!? I'd scream "Mommy!" but it would remind me of that torturous gelatinous abomination.

I'm now speechless...

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterABrownMole

Ummmm....why does that one say "Farewell?"
And that last one made me vomit a little in my mouth.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJill T

Oh my pregnant belly...that last cake would be more effectively used as birth control. Yikes!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertarichuck

I just gagged when I scrolled down to the last one. I may take a cake hiatus for a while.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlaceymama

lololol a womb with a view. that's beautiful.

At first I was going to comment about how inappropriate it is that the torso with the green dress is showing us that the, ahem, temperature of the room is kind of...cold...

But, then I saw the last one and nipples no longer seem so inappropriate. I would gladly make the nipple one my wedding cake if we can just make the Jello one go away.

:shudder:

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe New Mom on the Blog

And it kinda looks on that last one like it was originally covered with icing and they smeared it off to reveal the treasure underneath. Did the guests run out screaming? I would have.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClayvessel

That which has been seen cannot be unseen.

Ew.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterwelamom

Why is casper floating in jello?

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew

[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]

Priceless!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterwinsomebulldog

These are the most disturbing cakes I have ever seen. Ever.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterliza

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