The Cake Cannibals
February 7, 2011 Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.
And so she did.
By turning it into a baby butt.The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")
After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.
Literally.
"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.
And so, they did.
Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.
Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.
And so it was.
And, once again, everyone was happy.At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"
Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.
Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!
Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.Until they discovered gelatin.
[ear-splitting scream][of glee]
Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.
Reader Comments (296)
Why does it say "Farewell, Baby Noh"? Please tell me they didn't name the baby and then decide to terminate the pregnancy. And then celebrate by eating cake.
The last cake is, by far, the most disgusting and disturbing cake I've seen on this website for the 3 years I've been following it. I'd rather eat the fungus-covered foot-cake than that one. Seriously! must.think.of.my.happy.place....
Oh my god. I think the water broke on that last one. I think I'm experiencing some morning sickness of my own right now...
What is wrong with people??? I have learned not to drink coffee when I read your blog, because frankly coffee out the nose hurts. But now I'll have to remember not to be eating my lunch either. I just know I'm going to have nightmares about gelatinous mutants oozing out of stomachs.
That thing taking a swim in the last one looks like Egghead Jr or Chicken Little or somesuch. Must have been an animated birth.
"Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers" = Gag.me.with.a.spoon.
"Farewell Baby Noh" cake - This whole cake just seems....wrong. Why farewell to the baby? Whatever the reason, why is there lingerie? Is this a sad cake? Also, that looks like the inside of a real thigh.
"Gelatin" cake....
Speechless.
I have never posted on here before but am a long time reader.
That horrid gelatin disater will never be erased from my memory! EVER!
Thanks!
NOOOO! MY EYES! MY EYES!!
:( I dont want to eat the baby!
Never saw that coming...yikes.
my eyes! my eyes!!!
trauma
fear
loathing
brain burn
there's no words enough to match that last one
I might be opening up a can of worms, but when will they give us a cake showing the conception??
I was FINE... FINE I tell you... until that last one! If I ever go to a baby shower and see that I will be the one screaming.
I did put my coffee down but as I went further down the line i didn't seem to have any problems with drinking it while I looked. So I took a sip and scrolled to the last picture. I choked on my coffee you told me to put down... The last one is absolutely terrifying.
That is disgusting... I think that would make an expectant mother toss her cookies all over it. What a great way to end a baby shower!
Long time listener, first time caller.
dude. that last one was wrong. amniotic fluid made from gelatin with happy fetus inside. *blech* reminds me of aspic.
We need follow up stories for these cakes. Like who the hell cuts it, eats it and how.
Thanks for the laughs and then the final grimace, though. Love your blog.
bahahaha The pictures are horrifying yet hilarious. and the comments are even better. I just about peed myself over the electroshock therapy comment.
the last one though, one person said exactly what I was thinking. "why, oh why".
Speechless. That last cake...effing speechless. Jaw-dropping, stomach churning, vomit inducing, speechlessness!
I'm gonna go with the glass is half full theory and say that Cake #4 is a farewell from her fellow exotic dancers as mom quits to have baby Nok. Or baby "no one knows" as they dubbed it at work.
But that's just me.
Ewwww - that's just gross!! All of it, but especially, ESPECIALLY the last one. Ack!
This is...well, words fail me and I'm a WRITER.
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHH!
*uncontrollable sobbing*
Why would anyone DO that???
Maybe I'm crazy, but more than gross, I find that last one hilarious!! If I was served a piece of that last monstrosity, on the other hand, I'm not sure if I would be laughing so hard...
tell me someone has invented a way to scrub that last image from my brain - truly - truly horrific!
That last one will haunt me for a long, long while. So much for my lunch break...
That first cake isn't baby bottom, it's a scrotum with feet. I'm mean, look at it!
As for the last, gelatin with cake? eeeww. what? oh. OOOOOH! I'm supposed to be horrified at the fetus. Mostly, it's just lame.
I wish we could see video of the crowd reaction to the unveiling of that last concoction.
That white squiggly lump to the right of the "baby" reminds me of that white squiggly fleck in eggs.
One cake singlehandedly put me off two foods. Thanks, cakewrecks.
To Anony @ 11:56, :-D
The meatloaf baby wasn't technically a cake, as gross as it was. I put it as second in my book.
This is an actual CAKE. With Jell-O. And a gross gummy baby...er plastic? Thing. Was that baby even edible?
What's missing is bananas, marshmallows and strawberries.
"Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies." -Willy Wonka, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory
Note to self, DO NOT have a baby show and if you do, make the cake yourself! Usually CW has me laughing like an insane person. I am still in shock from the last cake. And I thought zombie movies were creepy, that takes the cake, so to speak.
NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT LAST ONE IS JUST NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Mitchley1, I am crying with laughter and nodding my head in agreement.
Jen you have outdone yourself. Brilliant and painful. Perfect commentary! Womb with a view... I am still dying here.
~Yet another Jenn, albeit one from Oregon
the last picture is horrifying
Oh dear god... that last cake. My mind just refuses to accept that some living, breathing human being thought that the combination of a semi-revealed, teddy-clad female torso, clear jello, and a never-been-exposed-to-sunlight deep-cave-pigmentless-white baby was a sane idea. Especially given the presence of what looks disturbingly like *AN UMBILICAL CORD* suspended in the gelatin. I'm really hoping that's just really some odd reflection/clouding.
um...eh...wha?...*sob*...*scream*...loses any craving for jello.
What in the world? That is seriously the worst thing ever! The cakes were weird and made me wonder why, but the last one? I uttered a involuntary "Ugh!" and I think my lips are still stuck in the eww position.
That last one will guarantee that I will never eat, let alone look at another cake again. Not to mention the nightmares that I will be having now.
These almost make me think that a diaper "cake" is better.....ALMOST.
ANYTHING to do with baby feces or birth should NEVER be represented in cake form. Edible or not!!
NOOOOOOOO!
They did NOT float a plastic? edible? baby in gelatin?!!!
That is hilarious/awful/revolting/shocking/and amazing all at the same time...
But mostly, just GROSS!!
;) Mags
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
wv - beles lololol
Funny enough, I think the "farewell" cake is more disturbing, because someone had already chopped part of the leg so it looks like a dissection corpse.
THERAPY!! I NEED THERAPY!!!!
What on bloody Earth possessed someone to do that last cake!? I'd scream "Mommy!" but it would remind me of that torturous gelatinous abomination.
I'm now speechless...
Ummmm....why does that one say "Farewell?"
And that last one made me vomit a little in my mouth.
Oh my pregnant belly...that last cake would be more effectively used as birth control. Yikes!
I just gagged when I scrolled down to the last one. I may take a cake hiatus for a while.
lololol a womb with a view. that's beautiful.
At first I was going to comment about how inappropriate it is that the torso with the green dress is showing us that the, ahem, temperature of the room is kind of...cold...
But, then I saw the last one and nipples no longer seem so inappropriate. I would gladly make the nipple one my wedding cake if we can just make the Jello one go away.
:shudder:
And it kinda looks on that last one like it was originally covered with icing and they smeared it off to reveal the treasure underneath. Did the guests run out screaming? I would have.
That which has been seen cannot be unseen.
Ew.
Why is casper floating in jello?
[ear-splitting scream]
[of glee]
Priceless!
These are the most disturbing cakes I have ever seen. Ever.