My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

You Say Tomato, I Say Turnip

Hey, everybody! Do you know what time it is?!

That's right, it's "You write the &%#* post, john!!" time!

So, uh, yeah.

Let's see... I need something really easy to write so I can go back to playing my video game. (Those aliens aren't gonna kill themselves!)

Right, how about some wedding missed marks? Or as I like to call them, "Let's have an Epcot in the comments about getting what you paid for!"



Ooh, pretty. Of course, this cake was on so it was probably made with platinum shavings and unicorn tears.

Now let's see what Patty I. ended up with.


(On a side note, all I can hear as I write this is the MarioKart music as Jen vanquishes her little cartoon foes. That and the occasional, "In YOUR FACE, Donkey Kong!!")


Next cake:

No lie, this is one of my favorite cakes in our library. And please note that it's made with fondant.

Or as Buddy would call it, Fahn Dahn.

Now, people often complain that Missed Marks always have a fondant inspiration cake with an all-buttercream wreck, which is why they're so horrifically bad. So for a better comparison, here's Tina M's resulting cake which was made with fondant:

It's like apples and pigeons.

(I'm now laughing maniacally at my own joke. I think I'm tired.)


I can't think of anything funny to say about this next cake. So instead, I'll just sing a song that's currently stuck in my head.

"You're BEAUtiful! You're BEAUtiful! You're BEAUtiful - it's true!"

"La, la, la, something WHAT to do."

Aaand, that's all I know.

Also, I'd like to apologize to Michael and Stephanie for taking 4 years to post your cake. I overslept.


This next inspiration cake is awesome:

Huh. Maybe this one is my favorite. Maybe I just like blue. I'm so confused.

Never mind. So let's analyze the incredible complexity and skill required to make the gorgeous design above:

Step 1. Make a three-tiered round cake.

Step 2. Stick blue circles on it.

Aaand let's see how Serena P.'s bakers did!


Well, that's all the time I have, since I'm pretty sure I just heard a Wii remote hit the wall. And that's never good. ("Oh no, Luigi lose! MAMA!")

So, until next time, be thankful that Jen writes this blog.

« Sunday Sweets: Put A Bird On It | Main | Getting Ahead »

Reader Comments (71)

Oh John, you're BEAUtiful, too- it's true. But now I'll have that stupid, hateful song stuck in my head all day and I won't know what to do.

You did a fine job, but I'm sooo scared. We're meetng with a baker tomorrow to discuss a sweet sixteen cake. After years of the Food Network and Sunday Sweets she has been programmed to want a CAKE. A cake just won't do. AND every now and then she says, "wouldn't it be hysterical if my cake is a wreck??" No.
So John, I thank you for this post. I think I'll show it to the baker tomorrow. If he/she says,"Oh yeah, I saw that yesterday, they've got a customer!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Delightfully snort inducing! Thanks John!!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

John (thoJ), I love your posts. So honest! So sincere! So riotous!

Also, just have to say: you get what you pay for. (What? You practically insisted it be done.)

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterelissa

Wow, those are some incredible disasters.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

Dot cake - why lumpy?
Bakers with poor drawing skills
Make more wrecks for us!

*bows to sensei HaikuJoy*

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergrneyes6

As I was enjoying this post (which is awesome, John. I love when you write too!) the song "At Seventeen" was playing on the radio. So this is what happened in my head:

I learned the truth from Cake Wrecks’ team
that lovely cakes in buttercream
and fondant both can turn out gross
even when you pay through the nose.
Beware when bakers say “I can;
no need to check a reference, ma’am.”
Just use the Sweets Directory
and prevent a cake catastrophe.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

Is that a mother and child on top of Tina's wedding cake???

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLiza

A rousing "oh, look, you TRIED!" out to the wreckarators. (Or however the samsung you spell that. My six-year-old's home with a snowday. And he's doing math for fun. My focus is split.) A rousing "if you chose THAT cake topper, you brought it on yourself" to those with cake toppers because, well. dang...there's a reason the inspiration photos didn't have cake toppers.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKae

I used to get really confused when I would hear friends who were getting married talk about doing a "trial run" with their cake designer. I am no longer confused.

I am, however, an optimist (or at least I try to be), and I have to say that while the cake itself is a disaster, I LOVE Tina's cake topper!

Finally... thank you, John, for getting that song stuck in my head (but that was your plan all along, wasn't it?).

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

Heehee. Unicorn tears.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKSLSRocks

That last cake has the worst case of smurfpox I've ever seen.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNaomi

I thought for sure that all the Cake Wrecks readers would be snarky enough that the only comment you'd see is:

You get what you pay for.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTor2ga

Blah, blah, blah Epcot blah. :P I like blue, too, so it's so nice that most of these were blue. :) I'm sure the brides were too when they saw these wrecks. LOL

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteranony mouse

I hear some unicorns crying right now.

I've vowed to use "It's like apples and pigeons" three time today. (My husband didn't even miss a beat -- as soon as I said it, he replied, "No, it's like six or two threes." We both found that hysterical -- guess we're tired, too... He's a keeper.)

I love your stream-of-consciousness posts. Now, go fix the Wii remote and patch that hole in the wall. Those aliens are getting pretty close.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

For a second, I thought that first Bible cake was really nicely executed.
Then I thought, "Who wants to eat a Bible?"

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

@ Naomi--Love the Smurfpox reference. Last summer Italy we were at a gelato shop where they had Smurf gelato. No lie, it's what they called it. I didn't have the nerve to try it. The thought of those little blue cowlicks just would not let me take a bite.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdrgns4vr

"That's 'G-r-a-t-e Expectations', by Edmund Welles."

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

i must be tired too John ... i'm laughing hysterically at " apples and pigeons" too.. My daughter is sitting beside me.. what's so funny? Because i'm layed over ontop the printer laughing my sleepy head off...

ps.. the wrecks were pretty funny too

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

then i went back and read the title... and started all over again.... thanks John... I need a laugh

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

I love your posts, too, John THOJ.

Unicorn tears! Hee!

That last one looks suspiciously like something I made out of Play-Doh. When I was six. HOW do you get all those lumps in there? Is there a sack of kittens rolling around under there? What?

Well, you know what they say: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR! *points at John, THOJ* "He made me do it!"

I think I'll head over to the Epcot Bunker just for fun. I'll bring BLUEberry muffins.

Good luck to SueBee. And Sharyn, HI-larious. Yes, a keeper for sure!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

You know, as my Great -Great- Great (Repeating) Grandmother Spendthrift used to say, "You get what you paid for." (With a condescending head tilt / eye raise) Now SHE was an original!


January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Wait... it's the thirteenth!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura R

Such a shame to see such pretty cakes get so horribly wreckplicated. 0_o

Always love your posts, John (thoj)!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh524

Smurfpox!? I'm giggling madly in here while trying to escape my kids (freakin' snow day . . . )

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre

I love when you have these posts, too funny!! It also just make my opinion stronger that you should NEVER buy a cake from a place that will do replica of another cake.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKellyn

If her name is "Patty I." and I'm seeing M's on the cake, did the baker not only screw up the design but also use the wrong monogram?

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjbrecken

Cake 02... I have found my wedding cake... It is soooo pretty... It looks like a wave crest!!!
Oh.....(You realize i'm talking about the picture BEFORE the wreck, right?)..... I'm speechless...

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAqua

Half of those cakes aren't so bad though, you gotta give em credit for that much at least.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLou

"It's like apples and pigeons!"

This is going to be my motto for 2012--I love it so much. Although "I overslept" is also good... maybe I can work them both in.

Jen and John, I love you both! So if you're trying to decide which of you will write this thing, sorry, I am unable to cast the tie-breaking vote.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Butternoodles twine
'tween twin twerpy headstones. Hurk.
RIP, cake-dreams.

*bows to GrnEyes6*

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

The cake with the waves, made from Fahn Dahn made me laugh out loud in my office cube. Not that I'm a professional decorator in any sense of the word, but oh my Dad! I would be so ashamed of that. LOL!!!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKen

I am SO very completely happy that I got to see this post because of a SNOW DAY!! I absolutely LOVE snow days! Sorry Dierdre, I've lived through 77 days with 24 kindergartners, I deserve a snow day off.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMrsMary

Unicorn tears. Apples and pigeons. You slayed me.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterApril

You hum "You're Beautiful", I hear "Beard With Glue" (Bad Lip-Reading version), which I believe fits these wrecks quite well. Thanks for the laughs!

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim

The book in the Bible from which the quote is taken is, I believe, Proverbs. The S must have escaped from this wreck. I just love it when a wreck as more than one thing wrong with it.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLynn Baber

Oh these poor, sad cakes. To see such beauty copied so horribly brings a tear to my eye.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFestive Party Girl

ahhhhahahahaha!! did they cover it with ribbon (on the last cake) to keep the spots from falling off, or just to distract the eye from it's hideousness.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkitty

Platinum shavings and unicorn tears are only available in the what is everyone else supposed to do? I have finally come to the conclusion that this is why my cakes just don't compare.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle


January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMid Mod Tom

Why?! Who let's these people work with cakes? It's an abomination.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdez

Good heavens--the cake we based our wedding cake was made with fondant. Only I HATE the taste of fondant, so we asked for buttercream. My mom had a moment of panic, because the buttercream was so smooth she thought they used fondant. (Fortunately we just had a really good bakery.) So how these "professionals" can get either fondant or buttercream that lumpy is beyond me.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKris

2 things: 1. was something lost in translation here? And 2. Would somebody br so kind as to explain what exactly an "Epcot" is? Because I'm picturing the big, white golfball thing at Disney World...

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

We the undersigned:
Agree that blue is epic.
Agree that being confused is a good excuse for doing just about anything.



January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMapia

To find out what an "Epcot" is, click on "FAQ" near the top of this page. Then click on "OK, I give up. What's an Epcot?"

Epcot is an indispensible piece of Cake Wrecks lore.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGary

Jen, please punch John in the shoulder for me. That song will be stuck in my head for DAYS! And not even the whole song. Oh no. It'll be fragments. My brain hates me. Lol

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah R.

ok, i think you and Jen win the 'Most Adorable Couple Ever' award. hehe

meanwhile, i've loved this blog for many moons and having loved it for so i have just realised 2 things:

1. how a 'professional' can look at a cake that is so obviously terrible and allow it to leave their shop and be an advertisement for their company i will never know.

2. how these same professionals must surely be aware of the existence of your blog by now, or at least some of them be aware, and not be very very afraid their cake will end up on here, thereby making them take some pride in their work!

and i find i am grateful that they have not mended their ways as if there were no wrecks, there would be no blog! i shudder at the thought.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermissron80

O! O! I know the answer! ... frantically waving both hands... To create those lumps *under* buttercream, do not allow the cake to cool, and do not brush the loose crumbs off before plastering. It is harder, but still easy enough with fondant: don't brush the crumbs off AND (using rolled fondant) try to pick it up as a sheet with your fingers and stick it on the cake. Flinging fondant at the cake creates an entirely different effect and is best left to perfessionuls.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergobbler

I've heard of personalized books, but getting your name in the Bible is going a bit too far.

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterclipsnark

Okay, I can't even figure out the (apparent) monogram in the "wreck" version of the first cake. I'm going with:

-Treble clef
-followed by an @ sign merged with the symbol pi
-and then the greek letter pheta.

Am I right?
Strange names parents give their children these days...

January 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWhirledOne

fortunately, I know not the song of which you speak. ignorance can be bliss, apparently.

John (thoJ), you see what she did there? she got you to write her post for her! grow a spine, man! you clearly get stuck with the grunt/crud jobs like transforming crack houses (bet that was her idea), taking thousands of lights off a tree by hand and then she even advises she doesn't let you do the cute decorating work! sigh I worry about you sometimes.

pssssst, Jen, you rock! (tee hee)

btw, you get what you pay for and I love gobbler's idea of how some of these get decorated!

January 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

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