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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Oct032012

7 Wedding Wrecks That Make Me Glad I'm Already Married

Now here's a couple who really loves their Fruity Pebbles:

I don't know what the groom's supposed to be doing, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong.

 

I am a HUGE steampunk fan. Ask anyone. They'll probably back away slowly and call the authorities, but still, go ahead and ask them. 

 That said...

No. 

 Just...no.

 

I'm feeling generous, so I'll go ahead and assume this is supposed to be a tree:

A sickly, sweating, morning-after-a-bender tree.

 (But hey, at least it doesn't look like a half-buried cow.)

 

Look, nobody said ordering your wedding cake would be a bed of roses. 

If they were honest, though, they might have insinuated it'd be a lumpy tower of them:

What is...How...I don't even...

 Oh, never mind.

 

Then there's this:

Whoah, whoah, hang on, there! You're not allowed to just scroll down here like nothing happened! No, you march your virtual self RIGHT BACK UP THIS SCREEN and take a GOOD HARD LOOK at that wedding wreck. You hear me? And then you THINK ABOUT what that wreckerator has done. And how your six-year-old cousin could have done better - you know, the one with the late-blooming spatial awareness. And then maybe SNICKER a little more. And then - THEN - you be GRATEFUL for what you have and you move along.

 

 I'm a cat owner, so I know first hand that sisal rope - which is the stuff on their favorite scratching posts - has tiny sharp fibers that stick out all over and snag everything that gets near it.

 Which is why it's an EXCELLENT idea to wrap your wedding cake in it. That's right; go ahead and smoosh that snaggly hairy stuff right on down in the icing! People will love it!

MMMM.

 Also, is that loop on top a love knot, or a noose? YOU DECIDE.

 

 Saaay, I didn't know airline baggage handlers did wedding cakes, too!

Just look at that consistent quality of care! So realistic, your guests will be queuing up to file a claim!

(Watch out for the delivery fees, though; I hear only the first tier is free.)

 

Thanks to Katherine, Rainna A., Daniel & Kim, Anony M., Brenda J., Alli B., & Sara for helping me continue to strike terror in the hearts of brides-to-be everywhere. MUAH-HA-HAA!

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Reader Comments (88)

I'm sure that is supposed to be a honda knot, but it looks like a plain ol' square knot to me.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

That last one looks like it's just plain been dropped. Look at the back of it! Poor cake. Nice idea, though . . . traveling through life together.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWritecards

You are so dang funny sometimes it just kills me. I felt 6 yrs old again... I mean I really felt chagrined, and I marched..er scrolled myself right back up there like you said...er, demanded, and *really* looked this time at that blue (can you say PRIMARY BLUE and is it duct tape? I can't tell) and pink and purple starred lump of sadness. The stars must represent what the baker is going to be seeing once the bride sees it and punches her in the snoot a good one! Oh the horror. How can people do wedding cakes so poorly? Just so poorly. My heart weeps for these poor newlyweds.

There. Was that better? I think that was much better than just scrolling on down....

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJeanne

I think the tiers on cake #1 cattywompous on purpose to make a more organic looking climbing mountain. It's a shame they didn't take just a little more care with that cake - wouldn't have taken a huge amount of skill, just more attention to detail.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDancesWithSpatulas

To be fair, the rope cake looks like it is in someone's home (I hope), and was probably done by a family member. However, don't offer your "services" if you can't even make the cake sit straight, let alone try and decorate it. Note the rounded tops of the tiers. I made a birthday cake in 7th grade that had that problem. If that cake was made by a 7th grader, it would explain so much!

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

I honestly thought the comment on the, uh, "luggage" cake was "Your guests will be lining up to file a CLAM," at which I boggled gently for a few moments. Mind you, clam shreds would only improve that cake.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCrisopera

The groom in the first cake looks like he's having a very intimate encounter with this mountain.

The roses cake looks like they dropped it while bringing it into the reception hall, so they patted it back together with some extra frosting and threw so roses on it. "No one will notice!"

I did see the wreck in the cake with the blue-painters-tape ribbons. I did not have to scroll back up. And re-live the horror.

Seeing these cakes makes me glad, for once, that I haven't remarried after my divorce 14 years ago!

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

The climbing wall cake doesn't look professional enough to be a wedding cake, but if you are a climber it's kind of cute.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterL

#1 Finally, a chocolate cake I wouldn't eat. Hell just froze over. I think the "groom" is humping the cake. Yeah, I said it.

#2 They just stuck some gears on it. ;)

#3 Remember the Doctor Who episode in the library where the shadows would expand out from someone and get the next person? Sweet dreams. I thought for a moment about the six fingered man but there's too many fingers so it's not his glove, after all.

#4 Before the last book tour, someone suggested a game where you stand 10 feet from a cake and throw plastic flotsam at it (I think it was Gary).

#5 Even the fondant "ribbons" don't want to be associated with this cake. Clearly, they started with the top tier as it got all the flowers and they either ran out of flowers or time. But not cajones, apparently, since it was delivered to the venue.

#6 The topper's bigger than the top tier. That's a love knot vs. a noose. A noose has a bigger knot. What? I've never actually tied one but I've seen it done.

#7 Let's hope the bride & groom had more support than their topper did. I'd have needed a stiff drink if I'd walked in and seen this (and I don't drink).

@Sharyn, you had me at "steam-junk." I've been known to hum this at weddings and most people don't know it. If I smile and tell the name when they inquire they have no clue how rude I'm being.
@Mommy23Melody congradushalations, you've been infected. nice job!
@meeshybee wow!!! awesome. just awesome.
@mel "Sisal-y" made me giggle-snort

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

That "tree" one reminds me of one of the sculptures in Beetlejuice. Too bad this one can't flip itself over and walk away...

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMB

@Barbara Anne: Well, it IS hump day.

@mel: I'll share steam-junk with you, but you win for sisal-y.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

If the rope cake eaters are lucky, its a new rope... that hasn't been hitched to anything else. Hope they don't go off half hitched, like the knot. You know, in case no one else supplies the puns for you, or a verse of "stick some gears on it and call it steampunk..."

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDina

If I ever got any of these cakes for my wedding, I think I'd cry. lol.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAddyDelaMorte

the "tree" cake reminds me of the scultpures the mother did in BeetleGeuse.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKelsey

Oh man. Those poor brides. Love that hilarious rock climbing cake lol. It really does look like she kicked him off the side of the mountain. Ah true love.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

Did the baggage handlers go on strike at the same time as the luggage cake? It would explain why they look like they have been totally destroyed during baggage claim!

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnnaMontana

the third cake looks like one of the attack dining room chairs from Beetleguise!

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNiki M

I was about to ask why the groom on the last one was wearing socks with his slippers but then I realized that would have made him pantless, which really would be worse.

October 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeth Camp

Sharyn, "The Lottery" reference cracked me up!

October 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercraftycassie

First cake = rock climbing couple just saying

October 7, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaley

In the first cake, it appears that the groom is attempting to climb a rock wall...sideways...

October 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

Mawwidge.... Mawwidge is what bwings us toogebbaa... tobay.

October 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLex

Honestly, how much cake do you need to pack on a trip?

November 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

The bride and groom on the fifth cake appear to be consoling each other.

January 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGretchen

That's why when I will marry I will make my own wedding cake ...

February 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMarie-Eve

Haven't been on for a while. But was looking back when my 3 year old grandson came up to the computer. Grandson: Grandma it's a cake! It is a cake isn't it?

February 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercecespt

I'm going to go ahead and say that the blue wrapping around the white cake with stars reminds me of the candy Airheads... I am pretty sure I have never laughed so hard in my life!

February 20, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaranda

I'm just surprised the bakery would let these cakes out the door.

March 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDreama

I have been to a Mexican wedding once and the bride and groom had a lasso around them. That might explain one of the cakes.

March 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDinah

Steampunk cake: Everybody sing now - "Just stick a gear on it, and call it "Steampunk". That's the trendy fashion now a daaays!"

March 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJan C.

I have just sat here in awe. And have laughed myself silly. Please for the love of wedding cakes tell me they did not PAY for these??????? I scrolled past and thought, no, go back; did I take my medication this morning? Or did the bakers forget theirs or partook of unprescribed regulated meds??? Thank you for the laughs. It's good for the soul.

April 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGracie

I have been a cake decorator for several years before I retired, and I have seen many disasters too. Some of these people who take one or two Wilton courses and think they will build the famous cake will disappoint everyone at the party, and then there is the bride or other recipient who wants to get the cheapest deal will ask an inexperienced relative, fresh from Wilton's first course, totally destroy the nature of the event.
I've also seen delivery disasters, and one of them was a wedding cake, when the delivery person tripped and part of the cake landed in my groin, and she face-planted on the other part.

April 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergarlee

"A volcano of rosy spewage!" *SNORT* Love the comments here. Thanks for the laughs during an otherwise dreary day!

November 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSnarky Spark

meshybee - Brilliant!

And why is there blue duct . . . electrical? Whatever type of tape on that last cake? Or is that someone's attempt to patch things up with some fondant?

November 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterE. Anne

As ugly as the 6th cake down is, it's very likely a Mexican wedding cake. It's a common tradition in Mexico to throw a lasso around the bride and groom during the ceremony—kind of like lighting a unity candle.

November 25, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjoniisthecoolest

Pity about the steampunk one -- with a little more work, it could have been amazing. How neat would that lace be if it weren't creepy yelllow? Fewer of those nuts, more of those gears, better colors, and it could have been a splash.

January 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnonny

I realize that this comment is on a fairly old post but I just needed to comment on the spatial awareness cake. It makes me think of the presents I wrap at Christmas.

The first one I wrap is a glorious thing. Wonderfully creased edges, hidden tape, beautiful, creative, elaborate bows with six kinds of ribbon, carefully lettered tag that looks like it was done by monks.

Then as packages pass you are lucky if you get any coverage (often it's see through coverage anyway), whatever tape is left (usually the only spots you can't see through), bow? what bow?, and we don't need a tag cause you can see through the wrap (be glad the thing made it to the tree).

Next time this wreckerator should start with the large tier. At least then the "decorations" will be more evenly spaced.

January 9, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer H

That last cake...wow. Poor bags...

March 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPhoenix

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