Pan-Tastic!
April 11, 2012 *peppy infomercial music*
[yelling in a high-pitched monotone]
HI JOHNNY YATES HERE FOR THE ORIGINAL PAN-TASTIC ALL-IN-ONE CAKE PAN. THE FASTEST, EASIEST, SAFEST WAY TO BAKE AND DECORATE ANY CAKE YOU CAN IMAGINE... GUARANTEED! JUST LOOK AT THESE RESULTS:
;)
AMAZING!
NO MORE DECORATING DISASTERS WITH THE PAN-WOW.
;)
*WAH...waaaah*
[yelling louder]
THE UNIQUE DESIGN OF THE PAN-TASTIC LETS YOU TURN ANY CAKE INTO A WORK OF ART!
;)
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT CAKE DESIGN AGAIN!
Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But how does it work?"
SIMPLE! JUST POUR, BAKE, AND DECORATE!
;)
IT'S THAT EASY!
Slightly Confused, Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But can I use it for the Fourth of July?"
[screaming]
ABSOLUTELY!
;)
THE PAN-TASTIC WORKS FOR ANY OCCASION!
EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL THUMBS CAN DO IT!
;)
Pouty, Slightly Less Attractive But Still Well-Dressed Woman: "But my husband is left- handed!"
NO PROBLEM! THE PAN-TASTIC IS AMBIDEXTROUS!
;)
FATHER'S DAY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!
Wide-eyed Woman In A Sweater Vest: "And what about my mom, the proctologist?"
WE'VE GOT HER COVERED, TOO! IN BRIGHT PINK LATEX!
;)
GIVE HER THE FINGER WITH PAN-TASTIC!
REMEMBER, DON'T SETTLE FOR IMITATORS!
;)
GET THE ORIGINAL AND GET MORE BUNNY FOR YOUR MONEY WITH PAN-TASTIC!
;)
THE CAKE SENSATION THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL THROW IN THE CAKE-MAGIC ALL-PURPOSE HELMET PAN... ABSOLUTELY FREE!
;)
THAT'S A 600 DOLLAR VALUE! YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $19.99!
ORDER NOW!
Thanks to Grahm, Stephanie L., Stephanie, Erin M., Matilda, Scott A., Celeste B., and Sweet for the hand-outs.
Reader Comments (91)
Oh lord. I wish I was as witty as y'all. I just had to say I love the CW readers. You guys crack me up. I'm trying to think of a good crack joke, butt (haha) I'm just not getting anything. I'll leave that to y'all...
Dear SioxbyDoobieDeux: I am an injured party who is interested in joining the class action suit against THE SHOUTER, Inc. After watching (reading?) the informercials for both the Pan-Wow and the Pan-Tastic pans (and reading through all associated commentary), I found myself asphyxiating due to laughter. Can they be considered liable for that, and if so, will it be covered under this suit, or can a second suit be brought against them?
Thank you in advance for you help and consideration,
B. Reathless
(P.S. @ mel - sorry, didn't mean to cut into your forte for the puns. Arguably, however, I couldn't help myself, being oxygen-deprived and all! You, Sharyn and SuBee get me individually everytime, but the combination of the three of you is breathtaking!)
OMG, is that..GROVER BARF?!?!?!!?!?!?
Is the blue clown drunk? Or is he secretly advertising LifeAlert? "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Um. Just need to point out that the Happy Birthday Evan cake *is* a left hand. That is all.
To Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, representatives for THE SHOUTER, Inc.
Re: The Bird
The firm of Tinker, Tois and Tops has been retained to represent the interests of Mr. Tinn Foyll, who, you may recall, asked that you stop with your plans to introduce a new, limited-edition pan with a different finger extended, identical to the pan Mr. Foyll holds the copyright to, The Bird. We are sorely vexed that you have not responded to his kind request. Do you think this is some kind of children’s game? Do you think we are some kind of Old Maids and are not taking this seriously? That would Boggle my mind! While I would rather Go Fish than have to deal with this, such is Life, and that is the Risk I have to take. I’m sure you’ll try to avoid this suit, run us through all kinds of Chutes and Ladders, before realizing we are serious – this is no Trivia Pursuit we’re on, we mean War. You can pretend this is just a Candyland of make-believe if you want, but I, Mr. Potato, Head counsel, will assure you we are serious. If you can Connect Four points, you can see we have a case. And, while I am a member of the bar, I am not some Rummy, who has lost his Marbles and I don’t just Pick-up Sticks all day. Our fact-Checkers have researched this thoroughly, and we find that we have a Monopoly on this pan.
Sincerely,
Mr. Potato, Head counsel
Tinker, Tois and Tops
I usually find it hard to get excited about legal briefs, but today it seems strangely entertaining. And there's frosting. Bravo.
How do you "gig" someone?
@Sharyn: dairy air...lol...you "crack" me up...
North, South, East, West,
Cake Wrecks readers are the best!
Yaaaay Cake Wrecks!
(That was for you SuBee, Sharyn and Mel. You rocked the comments today!)
How do you 'gig' someone? In this case, with a frosting spatula wielded by lawyers.
Haiku Joy, I believe you are correct about the state motto for Oklahoma being "labor omnia vincit". JT seems to be one of our more red necked red-necks as "Don't lay that trash on Oklahoma" is a Department of Transportation anti-littering campaign.
Unless he's just trolling, then I give him a 6 out of 10. (it was a little much...)
As for the other cakes, am I the only one seeing the technicolor penises on the "Congratulations Matthew" cake??? Really bad, wrinkly penises with unfortunate yellow... discharge? (Ew.)
Okay, the third from the bottom? The one that looks like it was photographed in the dark? that photo creeps me the heck out! Like they're in an abandoned bakery or something. CREEPY I tells ya!
NO! it's a $100 value for only six easy payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling, other charges may apply)
Okay, so I've been reading your blog for a little over a year now... But I've never gotten up the guts to actually comment. I have to say just one thing - your blog is the only thing that actually makes me laugh so hard that I can't read it at work. (Not that I read at work...I mean, I work, ehem, right?)
Really, though, I can't stop laughing out loud (and louder still) when I read your posts. People who are near me think something's wrong...It's that bad. :D
Anyway, this post didn't disappoint - as hilarious as ever! hey, where can I get those cake pans? :)
To: Tinker, Tois and Tops
Re: The Bird
To: Mr. Potato, Head Counsel
Yo, Tater Tots,
We at Dewey, Cheatum and Howe have always been KING OF THE MOUNTAIN, and we believe your lawsuit is on THIN ICE. Y’see, we’ve been playing a little I-SPY, and there were some procedural anomalies with your copyright application. Let me explain. You are in TROUBLE. We’re a hard-SCRABBLE organization, you’re a two-bit OPERATION, and we’re about to KICK YOUR CAN down the road. It’s time to take your COOTIES and go home.
Game on.
Annie Howe, Sr. Partner
To: Annie Howe, Sr. Partner
Dewey, Cheatum and Howe
From: Mr. Potato, Head counsel
Tinker, Tois and Tops
Re: The Bird
Well, I never (OK, I did once, but it was by accident)!! While we at Tinker, Tois and Tops have tried to keep our correspondence civil, it is apparent that you have taken the low road in this matter. We received your package – it had your company Tag on it – containing three mysterious items earlier today – a Tic, Tack, Toe – and I can only consider it some kind of threat. I am shocked! (We have dispatched our own little gift – hope you enjoy the Rock, Paper, Scissors.) And, while I hate to resort to your level, you leave me no choice! Your allegations are nothing but a Blind Man’s Bluff! You may roar like a Twister, but your idle threats are nothing more than the chatter of a Barrel of Monkeys.
We will metaphorically tan your Hide and Seek full restitution for damages. You’ll be running home to your mama’s saying Mother May I please come home. You’ll be out begging on the streets like a bunch of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. You will see that Tinker, Tois and Tots is the winner: we will Capture the Flag of victory in this matter and you will be left to Follow the Leader in litigation – us! For you: Red Light; Green Light for us!
Think you can mess with us? You don’t know Jacks.
Respectfully yours,
Mr. Potato, Head counsel
I saw the bunny as an elephant with its trunk up in the air. The "J" shaped thing is its ear.
Anyone with me?
And apparently, it's an elephant that is tromping all over JT's state, whatever state that is. Confusion, I'd guess.
To: Annie Howe, Sr. Partner
Dewey, Cheatum and Howe
From: Mr. Potato, Head counsel
Tinker, Tois and Tops
Re: The Bird
Well, I never (OK, I did once, but it was by accident)!! While we at Tinker, Tois and Tops have tried to keep our correspondence civil, it is apparent that you have taken the low road in this matter. We received your package – it had your company gift Tag on it – containing three mysterious items earlier today – a Tic, Tack, Toe – and I can only consider it some kind of threat. I am shocked! (We have dispatched our own little gift – hope you enjoy the Rock, Paper, Scissors.) And, while I hate to resort to your level, you leave me no choice! Your allegations are nothing but a Blind Man’s Bluff! You may roar like a Twister, but your idle threats are nothing more than the chatter of a Barrel of Monkeys.
We will metaphorically tan your Hide and Seek full restitution for damages. You’ll be running home to your mama’s saying Mother May I please come home. You’ll be out begging on the streets like a bunch of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. You will see that Tinker, Tois and Tots is the winner: we will Capture the Flag of victory in this matter and you will be left to Follow the Leader in litigation – us! For you: Red Light; Green Light for us!
Think you can mess with us? You don’t know Jacks.
Respectfully yours,
Mr. Potato, Head counsel
PS -- if you get two copies of this, it is an error on the part of our clerk -- Double Dutch.
Go, Vandals, go, fight on with hearts true and bold
Foes will fall before your silver and your gold
The victory cannot be withheld from thee
So all bear down for Idaho
Come on you Vandals, go!
I-D-A-H-O! Idaho, Idaho, go go go!
(also, Esta Perpetua for the Latin scholar.)
I only come to this website to gasp in shock at the cakes (twice on Sundays). I only read comments because of the people. Standing ovation for Sharyn, SuBee and mel. Haiku Joy, I don't know why I even count syllables anymore, but I stand in awe of your way with words on a daily basis.(I just keep forgetting to tell you.). And Barbara Anne, I giggled at the Microsoft comment.
That bit at the end reminded me of a beautiful Harry Potter moment:
"Worried about You-Know-Who? You should be worried about U No Poo! The Constipation Sensation that's sweeping the nation!"
The only redemption of these cakes is the jokes they spawn. You guys are all awesome!
Lol at the comments. Oh man I nearly died laughing. I can hear all the shouting infomercials when I read this and the lawsuit comments .. Sharyn never stop I love reading your comments. Even if I nearly die laughing from them and the crazy cakes.
lol. Hey that ambidextrous father's day cake wasn't so bad now was it?
Which law firm to choose
when Pan-Tastic bruised my mind?
Curry, Lamb, and Rice.
To: Tinker, Tois, and Tops,
From: This line intentionally left blank
Re: The Bird
Dear Mr. Potato Head,
BALDERDASH.
Oh, and you know that one time that you "nevered?" We've got it on tape. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Married men aren't supposed to go on a MYSTERY DATE with BARBIE. Is it time to play TELEPHONE? I'd hate to see Mrs. Potato Head put on her unhappy face...
Sincerely,
Someone in no way traceable to Dewey, Cheatum and Howe
@teabunny,
That's so sweet! Thank you.
~triumphant trumpet lead-in music~
We interrupt this infomercial with a Breaking News Bulletin! Riot police have been called to the courthouse steps, where a baked goods brawl has broken out between representatives of three indubitable law firms: Siouxbe, Doobie, & Deux; Tinker, Tois, & Tops; and Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. Eyewitnesses report sheet cake picket signs reading "Pan-Tastic Is So Spastic" and "Make A Vow–No More Pan-Wow" melting and sliding down into the melee, showering horrified onlookers with poo swirls and sprinkles. The CDC will be arriving momentarily with decontamination showers, but for now they recommend that imperiled citizens shelter in place, holding their Pan-Tastic or Pan-Wow over their heads for protection. We will continue to bring you new details of Pan-Ageddon as the situation develops. Trust WCCC News to keep you informed. This is Hera Spray reporting for WCCC–All Patooie, All the Time.
~ retreating trumpet music~
To: Someone in no way traceable to Dewey, Cheatum and Howe
From: Mr. Potato, Head counsel, Tinker, Tois and Tops
Re: This line intentionally left blank
What!! On tape??? It was totally an accident. I tried to say no, but my voice was a little Horse and no one heard me. I though I was meeting Marco Polo…really…. It was dark when the Red land Rover arrived and I got in. Truly a case of mistaken identity. How ‘bout we drop this whole thing – that’s what my lawyer, Simon, Says I should do. I am truly Sorry for this whole thing. Looks like I’ll be looking into new Careers.
Humbly,
Mr. Potato, Head counsel, emeritus
@DB -- nicely done!
*Sigh"
It seems these types of legal brawls are just pan-demic these days...
IF YOU LIKED THE PAN-TASTIC, THEN YOU'RE SURE TO LOVE THE PAN-TASTIC PART DEUX!
IT'S A WHALE! IT'S SANTA! IT'S BOTH!!
http://upstatenyc.com/2011/12/23/happy-holidays/
(Limited time only. Offer not valid in the NY/NJ/CT tri-state area. Only one whale/santa allowed per household. Do not taunt Fudgey/Santa. Not legal in 47 states. Offer void where prohibited by law.)
Epic Comments!!
I loved the News Bulletin! and the correspondence between the feuding lawyers. I wonder when these feuds will spill over onto commercials between ads for the "Pan-tastic"?
How is that in all that, no one thought to make it into a grand piano!!??
Simply EPIC!!
@DB- freakin’ awesome. :)
@teabunny- tank u (curtsey)
Ah, mel and Sharyn, I’m moving in with one of you. Sorry in advance.
...and if you call in the next ten minutes, we'll DOUBLE your order! That's TWO Pan-tastics and TWO helmet pans--all for $19.95 plus shipping and *hand*-ling!.
Barbara Anne, if you remember Opus and Turnip Twaddlers, we are obviously twins separated at birth. I'll give you the garage door code, sis.
We can team up to sell turnip twaddlers to help fund "pear pimples for hairy fishnuts."
(I think of mel as the "Opus" of the Cake Wrecks commenters -- sweet, self-effacing, with a devastating sense of humor.)
Just about every post on CW underlines the need for torte reform.
I have no desire at all to see the Peter Pan.
Johnny Yates is a pan handler without equal.
@mel and @Barbara Anne - Thank you! I was inspired by the brilliance of previous comments. :-)
Well, thanks to 2 sick kids, I'm late to the party...but WOW!!! EPIC! FANTASTIC! INCREDIBLE! and...
BEST EVER!!!!!
(But please, please, PU-LEEZ, JEN & John (thoj), don't think this means you should retire!!! I'm sure you'll top this column!!! (Eventually...:-)
Sharyn & Barbara Anne - I remember little Opus too! And Bill the Cat! Does that mean we're triplets?! ;-)
I thought it looked like the state of Idaho