So, how 'bout those Oscars last night, huh? Hoo-WHEE. Good times. Like, that dress? And that thing what's-his-face said? And, oh - that montage?! WOW.
This Oscar cookie is very excited. Or...not.
Ok, fine, I didn't actually watch the Oscars last night. Except the bit with Captain Kirk and the soft-shoe number, since I figured it could only all go downhill from there. However, for your edu-tainment [wink] I've decided to present my own personal homage to all of the Best Picture nominees. Right after I google them to find out what they are.
Wow, I haven't seen ANY of these. Still, they're Oscar nominees, so you know that means they're the very best soul-crushingly depressing pieces of cinema to make you want to sit in ashes and sack cloth while weeping over the injustice and frailty of the human condition.
...so let's get right to it!!
Look, I don't want to spoil the ending or anything, so here: Lincoln's hat.
Zero Dark Thirty
I'm sure you've heard the same things I have about this movie, which is to say it has torture in it.
In other news: this cake is supposed to say "You're Awesome."
You may now make your own inappropriate jokes.
(This way *I* don't get the e-mails. WIN-WIN.)
With a name like "Love" I actually had a wild moment of hope thinking this movie wouldn't elicit much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but then I read the synopsis. Yeeeeah. When will you learn, Jen?
Anyway, I don't have a cake celebrating old age and debilitating disease, but I *do* have something nearly as romantic:
It's an alien skull and crossbones. Because sci-fi. And pirates. You know, ARRRRRRgo?
WORK WITH ME HERE, PEOPLE.
Beasts of the Southern Wild
This is a Quentin Tarantino film, so of course it's extremely violent and wholly inappropriate for children.
Yeah, like that.
Oooh, finally, a story I know! I saw Les Mis performed live once in the theater (pronounced "thay-uh-tah" for maximum snobbery), and then spent the next six weeks trying to beat "Master of the House" out of my brain. That song should be weaponized, you guys. Seriously. You could get entire battlefields to surrender, all of them cry-singing, "Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye, AAAUUGGHH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKEITSTOP."
Anyway, this next cake is supposed to be a fireman, but he looks a lot more like the bad guy in Les Mis to me:
"We'll be ready for these schoolboys, they will wet themselves WITH BLOOD. Which I will catch in my handy-dandy little yellow cup here!
Life of Pi
Once again I had a vain hope of some light-hearted comedy, but no. Shipwreck, dead family, stranded on a life boat with a wild tiger...you know, the usual.
I like how the wreckerator saved me the trouble with that label there.
BONUS PI PIE:
No, it's not really a wreck - it's actually quite brilliant.
Silver Linings Playbook
Ok, I just read the synopsis on this one, and other than the broken marriage, almost beating a guy to death, mental illnesses, and gambling addictions, it seems like a fun romp!
Plus there's dancing!
To be fair, Wikipedia didn't say what kind of dancing.
Well, congrats again to the nominees, since I'm sure they all managed to be far more depressing than these wrecks. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to click through all the "best-dressed" slideshows and find out if the folks on Twitter ever found out what WAS up with Kristen Stewart's hair.
I'd like to thank the Academy, my hubby John, and of course Amy K., Ashley L., Sarah B., Suzanne A., Robin H., Danielle G., Kelsey E., Sam H., Taylor G., Rachel W., & Anony M. You like me! You REALLY like me!