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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Apr182013

10 Hilariously Inappropriate Baby Shower Cakes

 

Let's be honest, ladies: baby showers tend to turn us into cooing idiots. Suddenly EVERYTHING is "precious," and we find ourselves oohing and aahing over things like diaper cakes (two words that should NEVER be used together, btw) and nightmare-inducing sonogram pictures that by rights should have us calling for an old priest and a young priest.

Not everyone has succumbed to the cute mandate, though; some fight back with the most graphic, crass, and undeniably hilarious shower cakes this side of the "Here I Come!" C-section cake.

 

  Now there's a fresh slice of reality for you: Even the tiny elf baby has soiled himself.

 

I'm the kind of person who gets way too distracted wondering if this was actually news to the person who got the cake - and if so, HOW. Seriously, think about it. 

Ok, you can stop thinking about it now.

 No, really. Stop. We have more cakes to look at!

 

Tired of all the cutesy euphemisms for birth? Then let's get physiological, baby!

 Say what you want, but this is STILL less icky than a torso cake.

 

Speaking of which, nothing screams "snack time" like a naked woman mid-birth, amirite?

I still feel partially responsible for these things; I posted The First Censored Cake Wreck a few years back, and then, bam! Suddenly these "push" cakes are EVERYWHERE.

 

And as if that's not bad enough, this baker decided I just don't have enough trauma associated with beloved childhood characters:

NO, CAT IN THE HAT, NOOOOOO!

I've never once wondered what a blow-up doll giving birth would look like, but now I know anyway. THANKS, BAKER. (I also started to wonder what kind of obscene Suessian rhymes she would spout out, and things quickly went from "disturbing" to "I WILL NEVER LEAVE THERAPY.")

 Maybe we should just go back to sperm cakes.

 But supposing you want a sperm cake that's also adorable? What then?

Admit it: at first you were all, "Whatever, Jen, you're just messing with us." But then you were all, "Omigosh that is totally an adorable sperm cake." Right? Right?

 

And if you'd like some cupcakes to go with the adorable bow-tied sperm cake:

Oops. Ok, now we're back to creepy.

 

That was a good run, though. Yep. Remember that cute sperm cake? Yeah. Good times.


 Hey, ever wonder what the most intensely awkward inscription for a baby shower cake could be? Yes? (Me, too!!)

 Well, WONDER NO MORE:

 

No, please, DO GO ON.

I desperately want this to be Part One of the shower desserts, you guys. And then this would be Part Two:

 

 [Psycho Shower Music]

 BWHAHAHAHAA!!

Sorry, sorry; I'm just imagining your reaction over here, and it. is. priceless. Did you notice the chocolate sprinkles up there? Did you?

 

I can't just leave you with that image, though, so allow me to present what I think should immediately become the new gold standard in baby shower congratulations:

 And I thought "handmade" was impressive.

 
Thanks to Maggie S., Jennifer A., Robyn H., Sara R., Katie S., Anony M., Deborah C., Cindy R., Libbie A., & Rachel C. for the inspiration. Assuming you never want to host a baby shower again, of course.

« Lost In Translation | Main | So Easy, A Wreckerator Couldn't Do It »

Reader Comments (136)

So first off, yes- I am forever traumatized by the next to the last... thing. Shame on you for the hundreds of innocent... *pondering cake wreck readers*... never mind.

Second- (and you know this) the bow tie sperm is annoyingly adorable. Not fair, I really want to hate it.

As for the last (cookie) cake- kudos to whomever commissioned that one. Seriously. Nice.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

I am in genuine, hand over mouth, shock. It's one of those posts where every time you scroll down to the next picture, it feels like you're being hit by a fresh tsunami wave of horror.

Wow.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

I don't think I can ever eat red jelly, cherry pie filling or chocolate sprinkles again.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen B

You have GOT to be kidding me with that, that, I-don't-even-know-what-to-call-it, second-to-last cake. The others are funny and inappropriate, but that one is beyond tacky. I mean, tacky doesn't even begin... I just... I don't... *whimper*

I'm a longtime reader and I've seen some crazy cakes here, laughed a lot at pictures and your lovely writing, but I don't think I've ever been quite so shocked by a cake as I have today. Congratulations! You've found a candidate for the Worst Cake Ever.

Do I detect a new theme post? I think soooooo!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMay

The sun did not shine.
It was too wet to play.
So we sat in the house All that cold, cold, wet day.
I sat there with Sally, we sat there we two.
And I said, “How I wish we had something to do!”
Nine month's later, you've got one of these cakes...

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Uggghhhh! Why, oh why did you spring that awful cake on us right when we thought we were near the end? I JUST came out of the fog of morning, noon, and night sickness about 3 days ago, and I am ever so grateful, because that cake would've surely made me hurl. It almost did anyhow. Oh, the humanity. I am almost angry at how disgusting that cake is. Gross. Vile. Such poor taste. I can usually think of something witty or droll to say, but I am just at a loss for anything good here. Such a nasty cake. Gross.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoemama

I've been reading Cake Wrecks for a LONG TIME now.

That second-to-last cake today may be the GROSSEST thing I've ever seen in my entire life, not just the grossest cake.

There's a reason Victorians didn't tell their daughters about the realities of childbirth...

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMichelleH

Sung to “That’s Amore”

When the cake hits your eye like a big, poopy pie
Please, no more, ‘kay?
When “knocked up” makes you pine for a few sips of wine
Please, no more, ‘kay?
Rude icing, where’s the ding-a-ling, where’s the ding-a-ling?
C’mon, this took a fella.
Cakes will say, “Push, Shelby, OK. Push, Shelby, OK.”
“And please try not to yell-a.”

When a cake makes you loose out the cry, “No, NOT Seuss!”
Please, no more, ‘kay?
Or the cake’s a carved sheet of a sperm who’s quite sweet
That’s enough.
Those cupcakes are a scream, but it’s time to stop
Screaming, signore.
Scuzza me, we all see, starts with a kiss or 3
Please. No. More. ‘Kay?

When a psycho, jammed guy burns a hole in your eye
Please, no more, ‘kay?
When a baker will pipe “genitals” in brown-white
Please, no more, ‘kay?
Alarms ring, ding-a-ling-a-ling, and you’ll say
“What the hell-a?”
Guests will bray, “Put the cake away, put the cake away!”
“The new mom’s turning yella…”

Why don’t we make a rule, don’t be a shower tool
Please, no more, ‘kay?
Buy a cake that we’ll eat, I hear duckies are sweet
They’re enough
Cakes should not make you scream, so we’re ending the screaming
No more, ‘kay?
Scuzza me, but you see, cake can ruin a party.
Please, no more, ‘kay?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I can't remember where I first saw it, but that last saying is totally a "thing". (Check Google, there are all kinds of cards and posters an images, etc.) Cracked, maybe?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

The sperm cake - even the cupcakes - really are pretty adorable. A bit odd, I suppose but not completely inappropriate.

The rest though - on the first one, is that a real diaper that they just poured chocolate sauce on?? And the baby head...what on earth...why?? Who would order that??

smh

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMissy

The second to last....'cake'- is that Big Baby??!?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Former CB

Who would have thought there would be a cake so abysmal, so wretched that it would be worse then a "poop in the diaper cake" or the "cross section of a uterus cake". I have never seen anything so hideous. If someone had presented that to me at any of my baby showers I would have gotten up and left without a word. There are some things that should never be depicted with food (especially cake) and you have finally found the absolute vilest example.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDrockbox

this is my first time commenting - although I do follow cake wrecks religiously.....that baby exploding out of jelly and sprinkles was just too much NOT to say anything. Literally threw my hand over my mouth in shock. I'm just glad nobody else was in my shop at the time LoL

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHAShleySweet

Oh. My. Genitals. There should really, really, really, really, really be a black censor box over that entire baby head cake. That this is NSFW, NSBB, NSFK, NSFCNLIGAHSI. (Not safe for work, not safe before breakfast, not safe for kids, and not safe for continuing normal life in general after having seen it.) Does vinegar or Clorox make a better brain bleach/eyeball wash?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

The whole uterus/cervix/sperm cake was pretty icky. "Who wants the left Fallopian tube, ladies?! Do you want vagina on your piece?". Ugh.
But THEN... The horror hit me. As a woman who has no desire to ever have children or be anywhere near a delivery room, I plan to use this cake as an explanation next time someone asks why I don't want kids (or cake). I NEVER needed to see cake lady-bits covered in cherry goo with a doll who is, apparently, thrilled with being born and having clots covering an eye. Excuse me, I have to go cry.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGenevieveDiggory

The cat in the hat cake!!!!! "I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob!"

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

It seems we all had the same reaction to the second to last cake. What on EARTH could they have been thinking? The naked woman with a baby half out is tasteless (but it's cake so it might be tasty, who knows?), but that one was just gross. I have a sick sense of humor, but even for me, that's way too over the top. However, the little bow-tie sperm cake was adorable :) You should have saved him for last...

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKrysmon

That second to last cake.....

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Dog

That next to last cake thing, wow....I'm kind of at a loss for words, which doesn't happen too often.

Sharyn, great parody as always! I have a feeling my dreams tonight will include weird baby head cakes and Vic Damone.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

Why do all the wreckerators assume that women give birth while completely naked?? Really?? My boobs were not on full display!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Hah! That sperm cake *is* really cute. A sentence I never thought I'd think, let alone type. And yes, I blame you for the surge in Push cakes - I was asked to make one last year, and I flat out declined. And if baby-head-in-jelly is the next craze... I'll decline those too ;) lol Ewwwww.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenni

oh no! Dr. Seuss has been corrupted!
then there's the baby being born and covered with ooze cake. that's just GROSS. my coworker just walked by and said, "Ew! That looks like a vagina!" and I had to confess--it WAS!

I wonder though, is cutesy sperm a cake for the men? was this a co-gender baby shower?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjo

Just how many mother's are completely naked when they give birth?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

SuBee, that was truly horrible. Well done!

And I'm sitting here in my house with my hands over my ears (and eyes), going "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" over the second to last cake. And those sperm cupcakes are totally tadpoles. No one would be tacky enough to order sperm cupcakes, right? (Yes, I'm also ignoring the one before it. It must be a ghost cake. Shooting basketballs. Only they already ate the basketball.

I still think the one with the blue baby and the utensils is worse than the second to last one. I'm not sure how they get anyone to eat those. Or the "Here I come" cake. So glad I don't get invited to those showers!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMuria

@Vickie -- I'm right there with 'ya, girl.
@Sharyn ----- words can't express, nay, songs can't express how awesome you are. Your song today was more than ok, eh!
@Jen and team --- please, please no more of that second to last cake. Ug. Otherwise -- well done!!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Me while reading this post: Haha, heh heh...hmmm..., ehh...weird, *shaking head* bleh..., whaaaat?! Cat in the Hat does NOT need to know a lot about that..., huh, it IS CUTE... Like a baby ghosty,, eww... Would not eat..., OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAT THA!!??!! THE HANDS THOUGH!! *shaking head really fast* NO. Last cake helped me recover though... Seriously that was crazy. Hahahaha, I am imagining the baker just chuckling as they are letting the "topping" drip onto the head...

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

I'm particularly taken by the MIxeD fONts on the "Kiss" cake. That next to the last cake is way beyond dreadful; it's revolting.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLady Anne

On that Cat In the Hat cake -- thanks for covering up Thing 1 and Thing 2...

@SuBee: lol...
@Sharyn: you've outdone yourself! :-)

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

I'm crying from laughing so hard. The strawberry pie filling!?!?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

Oh. My. Gosh. I have no words.

Is this seat taken? I'm never leaving therapy either. 0.0

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermichelej

Everyone's complaining about the 'head' cake; am I the only one who's impressed that the last baker managed to spell 'Congratulations' correctly?

I think I've been on this site too long.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNSU

I worked with an architecture firm back in the 80s. (Yes, I had poodle hair then. Why do you ask?)

We got a job with a local fertility physician. He wanted neon in the waiting room. He wanted an egg followed by a sperm traveling around the upper perimeter of the room. The designer offered to quit if he insisted. Thank goodness he backed down on the idea.

True Story!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Tree

I'm going to a baby shower Saturday.

Now I'm afraid.

I think my coworker's sister has better taste than...any of that...but then again, we can't control what the bakers do, now can we?

At least it can't be as bad as the next to last one...

Can it?

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWendy B

I've been reading Cake Wrecks for years, but I have never left a comment. However, your next to last cake just made me scream out loud! Even worse, I'm in a McDonald's getting some alone time from my four children. People are now staring at me. And I'm suddenly not hungry for my McDouble.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

,,,and then I realized what the chocolate sprinkles were...and the bubble gum pink...and the cherry pie filling...oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, no...!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFran_kly

My coworkers will wonder why I have a look of horror on my face as I go into my noon meeting. I will not be able to explain.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJessica H

I would seriously have loved a push cake. I think they're fun, and the cartoon-y ones are adorable. But I didn't get one, because noone threw me a shower (insert more passive aggresive remarks here)

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

That cookie cake is awesome. I would have died laughing if someone got me that.

Second-to-last cake? I don't know what you're talking about. I have no memory of a second-to-last cake.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKHandcock

@SuBee: *golf clap* well done, m'lady.

@Sharyn: I always love your parodies, but today's I especially loved!

#1: That would have been sooooo much better if they had left off the real diaper. That little elf baby with the soiled nappy is SORT OF cute, if you have to have poop on a cake.

#2: If they are coming out with a new pregnancy test kit that you bake in the oven to get the results and it turns into cake, then I might just be interested in that. Except, there would be some sort of bodily fluid involved...nevermind.

#3: It keeps staring at me with its cybernetic cyclops eye...

#4: Babies come pre-made with bows in their hair? Or is that...

#5: Is it just me or does The Cat In The Hat look uncomfortable?

#6: Of all the sperm cakes in all the world, that is the cutest I've seen. I think it helps that it reminds me of Casper the ghost.

#7: At least one could easily remove the "topper" and enjoy the cupcake. And. AND! No CCC (patooie!).

#8: I don't want to know what that giant pink...thing...is there on the right, acting all innocent.

#9: This is at once the most horrific and best birth cake I've seen. There is no torso, no lady bits (only IMPLIED lady bits), but then there's the giant, goo dripping baby with his reaching hands and his one good eye looking at me and HE"S SMILING! I think he knows something I don't know...

#10: Hey! Look! They spelled 'Congratulations' right!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

There just aren't words to express the horror that is that baby head wreck. @Sharyn's song comes pretty darn close tho! Well done!
@Haiku Joy ~ For some reason all I can think of now is your bowl of babies and the shock on your students faces when you eat one. o.O And for the record, yes...that image is WAY better then that icky cake!

The uterus cake is gross

Hey KarateLady, can you send me the portable unsee machine? I'm at the front desk again today and can't really leave. m'kay? Thanks!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

All I keep picturing are a bunch of tuxedo
clad servers walking around asking people
"Would you like some sperm cake?"

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAna

The second last cake is totally out of proportion. Just saying.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I'm just thankful none of these showed an episiotomy. That would have brought back memories best not remembered.

@Sharyn: You're awesome.
@SuBee: I want to be the president of your fan club.
@Jen: Don't ever leave me. Please.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure that the sperm cake is exactly what Casper the Friendly Ghost sperm could look like. And now one of my favorite childhood comics is ruined forever!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Jen, you've topped yourself today with this one. I can't really add to what the others have already said.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterelizabeth

I'm assuming the... head... is not edible. I hope it isn't for the sake of the participants in that shower.

I consider this cake a means of suicide. Suicide by angry expectant mother.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSkeptic

The sad part about the Cat in the Hat cake is that the cat is really, really well done.
@Karen - Veggie Tales for the win!

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNagzilla

More Sweets in three days... More Sweets in three days...

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNyperold

Two words for cake #8: Tongue Flower.

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaxmom

OMG, that baby head cake. Wow, just wow. On a positive note for all of us grammar nazis, at least the 2nd cake had the correct "you're" on it. :)

April 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJami

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