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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
May242013

Summer "Lovin'"

I don't really keep up with you young whippersnappers' schedules, but going by the cakes coming in I'm guessing summer vacation is starting up. Soooo...

 

Hey, hoopy froods, school's is out for summer!!

You know what's awesome about summer, besides throwing all those pesky grammar rules to the wind?

 

Jumping into pools of cubed green Jell-O, that's what:

During the Winter Underlined book tour I actually had a whole Q-and-A session derailed by a discussion on the practice of combining Jell-O with cake. Apparently some of you weirdos do that.

[ducking and running for cover]


That's not all summer is known for, though. There's also the ice cream cones:

(Honestly not sure which parts of that are edible...but I'm hoping the answer is "none of it.")

 

And steaks on the grill:

YUM.

 

And hamburgers:

(I like how even the fake plastic ants won't touch those "french fries.")

 

And hot dog pancakes:

This looks like a job for... the Special Pancake Victims' Unit!

*DONK DONK*

 

And then, after all that food, you get to stuff yourself into a bathing suit:

I actually look exactly like this in a bikini, only paler*. And with more muffin tops. (HEYO.)

(*People tend to think Floridians are super tan, summer-loving sun-worshippers. Hee! SO CUTE.  No, we're the ones huddled inside with the AC blasting, laughing at all you crazy tourists are out there getting heat strokes. We also own more sweaters than the average Alaskan, because there is no place colder in the continental U.S. than inside a Florida public building during the month of June.)

And then of course there are the fun-loving hordes of ants...

I swear these things are solar-powered.

 

Not to mention the blistering heat...

...and family vacations where everyone's miserable except the organizer of said vacation, who is homicidally determined to have a good time...

[One of my most cherished Disney memories is of the family collapsed on a park bench, moaning, while the Dad stands before them, screaming, "We're not here to RELAX, we're here to HAVE FUN."

"I'm having fun! I'm having fun!"

 

Plus there's nothing good on TV, and the neighborhood kids wake you up at oh-HAIL-no-thirty with their shrill little screams of glee and stomping feet, and all the parks and shops are crowded, and, and...

Huh. How long 'til Fall, again?

 

Thanks to Tracey D., Adriane M., Sam H,, Kerry L., Lauralee L., Aj M., Jill V., Julie G., Kristin M., and Becky C. for making us realize just how much we need a vacation.

« Special Saturday Video: A Wreck Odd-To-See | Main | Graduated Layers »

Reader Comments (120)

I'm so enjoying bonding with all my fellow freezing office workers! Are we enough to start a revolution?

What do we want?
Warmer offices!
When do we want it?
Now!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBB, Miami

#2 is what the carrot jockeys do for fun.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJess

The steak mistake looks like a pathology lab slice of an MRI - just not sure which body part.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

I'm a transplanted New Englander. Been here on the east coast since '89. Everything you said is so spot on! I love your sight!! Makes me think, hmmm, my cakes are Awesome! Thanks for the hilarity every day.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPaula

@ Lisa It is "Nice" in Florida from November to February, which is the time of year we flaunt our beach Christmas cards and pictures of our kids in shorts and flip flops.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

@ Lisa It is "Nice" in Florida from November to February, which is the time of year we flaunt our beach Christmas cards and pictures of our kids in shorts and flip flops.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Texas is also king of the ice-cold buildings in summertime. I'm surprised I wasn't sick the whole time I was at UT because I would freeze in class for 50 minutes, then thaw for the 10-15 minutes it took to walk to the next class... repeat all day long!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Bwahahaha, reading your comments about "tourists" really makes me laugh... because when it comes to the really hot down south places for Vacationing, I'm with the crowd that you hate... However, If you were to come to where I live (the cold north of Canada), we laugh at people when its 23 F in June and all you tourists from the states come up and are running to the nearest walmart and wonder of wonders they are still selling winter coats... Just for you guys... while we laugh at you in our shorts and t-shirts... Love this blog btw and the comments always make me die laughing :-)

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

@mel:
RE: "...that’s just the first…and easiest part,” sighed the cryptologist. “I fear it will take a lot more study to decipher just what kind of steak this is…and discover our prime suspect.”

Hold everything: I have deciphered the part about the meat, at least! It is, of COURSE, a PRIME RIB.
Duh!! Prime suspect<->prime RIB. Didn't even take no darn rocky scientist, neither.
=^u.u^= (You're welcome. Keep the change.)

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@mel ~ I learn so much here. Will you be handing out dipolma's soon?

**side not** my spell check had a very difficult time letting me spell that word up there. Obviously I need to change the language selection to Cakewreckeze :)

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

It would never have occurred to me to spell the onomatopoeia for the SVU transition tones as DONK, DONK.

But now you've done it and I can't stop laughing.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSKE

96 days til school starts

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Hmmmmmm, I thought cake #4 was either a "Hurray! I got an IUD!" cake, or a "Honey, I"m behind bars until you get an IUD" cake, which at least would explain the grid-marks.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMarghie

I'm so glad the vast difference of temperature between outside and inside in Florida isn't something I thought I was making up! I was in FL last June, and was loving the nice, warm outside, and dreaded going into -any- public building, and I thought it was because I am from NY.
In one restaurant, we had to leave because the initial shock of how cold it was on the inside made me immediately shiver to the point of nausea.

Back to your local cake discussion...

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBadCookie

@mel, you had me laughing! Mostly because my kids love Sesame Street, and they spoof just about every show, movie, superhero, etc., at some point. The CSI spoof was awesome. (Hey, they know the parents will let the kids watch if it's entertaining for them, too! Hence, Jude Law introducing the word of the day...)

So when I read your story, very serious-looking muppets were delivering the lines. Very seriously.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermichelej

@Just Andrea:
Oh, wow!!! You SO made me think of my Dad! He was ALWAYS saying that my skin was "like porcelain-like a CHINA DOLL", "like alabaster", "beautiful", and other things that I didn't believe. I felt like a Morlock! I used to try SO hard to get some kind of color --lying on the beach until I burned so badly that I couldn't even bend my knees...I felt like a freak. Now I just don't care. It is what it is~ I'm lucky /thankful that I didn't get melanoma. Perspective, perspective! =^U.U^=

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

My birthday is in July and I grew up in Arizona and Texas, which meant melted cake, melted ice cream, and only a few people a my party because my friends always seemed to be out-of-town during my birthday (that's what she always told me, though I later came to suspect it was actually because I wasn't popular). And people still have the nerve to ask why I'm not big on birthdays.

As for the correlation between Jello and cake, you might want to investigate some vintage food sites where up until the 1970s, almost anything could be served with Jello. Did I say "with"? I meant "in." My guess is that people believed that embedding food inside a gelatinous would somehow protect it in case of nuclear attack. It's possible, but I'm pretty sure the mutant zombies left behind aren't going to want to eat it either.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

I've seen that Elmo cursing out three year olds in time square, where it's always too hot in the summer, always too cold in the winter and always filled with people walking way too slowly.
Let me add that though we're not from Florida, my husband, daughter and I are always the whitest people on the beach.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Your dissertation on living in Florida failed to mention the permanent tan on only your left arm caused by driving and exposing only the skin on your left arm from the lower edge of your short-sleeved shirt down to the sun. After 14 years out of Florida, it is still tanned, in sharp comparison to the pasty white skin on my stomach.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Hey Betty,
I lived in Lancaster, CA for most of my childhood. I know EXACTLY what you mean. 120-degree, belt buckle-burning, leather seat sticking summer!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterE. Beck

Surf AND turf. Nice.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJess

I kind of see where the first poster's husband is coming from, except I don't think it looks like a vagina, I think it looks like a uterus with an IUD in place.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteramanda

“Dr. Langdan Gets Grilled” second excerpt…

“Look carefully at this steak,” encouraged Dr. Langdan. “Its placement obviously is a clue to something,” he added.

“It seems to be on the left side,” said Bernt.

“Yes,” agreed the problem solver. “And it is near the end of the grill…in the warmer zone.” Suddenly Langdan’s eyes widened. “Oh, how clever our adversary is!” he exclaimed, smiling slightly. “How much are steaks in this neighborhood, Bernt?” he asked.

“Well, about six dollars a pound, but right now they’re on sale for $4.75 a pound,” she replied.

“And, how does the meat get to the store?” the cryptographer continued.

“Well, it's usually flown in by jets so it's fresh when it gets here.”

“And, I assume the cows are slaughtered in the usual way…brought to their knees and then stunned….” Lanngdan muttered to himself. He was pensive for a moment and then turned to Bernt. “Oh, these are truly clever, diabolical people we’re dealing with. But not clever enough! I have deciphered the puzzle! I know what kind of steak this is! He exclaimed excitedly.

“What is it?” asked Bernt.

“Look at the clues! It’s all right here! The steak is near the end, in the warmer zone. If you buy a pound of the streak on sale for $4.75, and give the grocer a five dollar bill, you’ll get a quarter back. The meat is flown in on jets, after being killed on its knees. End, zone, quarter back, jets, knees….the steak is a Te-bow!”


(sorry…I couldn’t help myself today…. mel)

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

Am I the only one that thought those sprinkles were ant poop?

In SoCal, huddled under a blanket, at my desk at work. As for my skin tone: I freaked out a nurse in the hospital once, because she'd never seen legs so white. I also freaked out a nurse while donating blood, because when I am REALLY cold, my skin turns blue. Not just my lips, my whole skin.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjenn

We just moved to Orlando 2 years ago from Portland, OR, and I couldn't BELIEVE how freaking cold it was inside some of these buildings... and PUBLIX? Forget about it!!! I was under the impression that I'd be throwing away my sweaters & sweatshirts, but I think I've bought more down here than in my entire life. Hey, at least there are a bazillion variations on the Disney/Universal/Sea World/Gatorland sweatshirt to choose from!

Seriously, I do love it down here. :)

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSherrie L

If only the bikini cake was made from a bunch of iced cupcakes. Then the muffin top could be made out of muffin tops and it would all be so literal!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMy Goodness

Elmo reminds me of Sail Cat. Or if you prefer, Superman Cat. Honestly, I couldn't look at Elmo without hearing the soundtrack(s).

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

With apologies to Zoomom, I'd like to clarify that many parts of Canada, including Halifax, where I reside, did not get snow today (so no need to talk about - or aboot - igloos or other Canadian stereotypes. And I already apologized in an earlier post about Justin Bieber!)

Getting back to the cakes - OMG, they're enough to make me consider cancelling my summer vacation and skipping from spring right to fall! But knowing Jen (ow, I feel the death glare now!), THOJ and the rest of the team, you already have horrors in store that will make me question ever celebrating any occasion ever again...but like viewing a train wreck, I can't look away!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

SoCal girl here too. I would visit Grandma in Florida in the summer and everyone would wonder why I wasn't tab, and Do I hang out at the beach all day? We wondered why no one was outside. Grandma thought we were crazy. "Everyone's indoors where it's air conditioned".

@zoomom~Oh, I couldn't POSSIBLY try the Jell-O pool. I never learned how to swim. Hey-I came up with the idea; someone else can do the dirty work. Yah?
=^e.e^=

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@mel~ I saw it coming but still did the **facepalm** literally...

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

The steak looks like an IUD.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

One place as cold, if not colder than federal buildings in Florida is restaurants in Phoenix. Not even kidding, when you leave you are relieved to be hit in the face with the 115 degree heat outside, and even more relieved to get into your car, which by then is a roasting 160+ inside easily. You don't feel the back of your thighs melding with the black seat or your finger blister as you touch the seat belt buckle because you are numb and frozen from your dining experience, you just breathe in, let out a sigh and say "That's better"...then you realize how crazy that is and move away to somewhere with better weather. The end

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCrayl

I had to read the comments to see what the "steak cake" actually was. I was sure it had to do with an IUD or surgery recovery. Yuuy.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterErin L.

Pretty sure that was my family you saw in Disney! I can still remember my dad's cries of "Jesus H. Christ" that woke us all from a peaceful slumber. What was he cursing for? Because we had fallen asleep and thus would be going to dinner at prime dinner time and *gasp* have to wait! (I was the youngest in our party at 16, this was not actually a big deal). Glad we provided some amusement for you!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAbby K

I like the bikini and the steak and the ants!!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPaula

Actually- there is no place colder than a movie theater in Vegas at any point during the summer. You would freeze your buns off in a sweater. I went to the movies last weekend & wore my winter coat & gloves thru the whole thing.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAaron

So that's what a middle-aged Elmo drowning in his own feelings of desperation looks like.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

I know it's the reflection of the fluorescent lights on the steak cake, but I initially envisioned it as a line of cocaine to help rid the recipient of the image.

Never mind the burnt fries on the cake. is that raw hamburger the ant is consuming (or regurgitating?) I think it's high time for a health inspector to check that bakery out.

I totally see suction cups on Elmo's hands and gobs of icing smeared on the rear windshield.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCiabelle

Sharyn WOOT awesomeness, pure awesomeness

Jodee, my thoughts are with you all this weekend.

mel, mel, mel! the first installment was great but the second was freakin' hysterical :D

"Elmo" (if that's his real name) looks like the Bog Monster you can buy in catalogs- it hooks into your toilet with suction cups so when someone lifts the lid it pops out!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

boymom- After laughing at your comment, I showed the cake to my husband. He replied with the same imagery, which made me laugh harder.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTia

I showed my hubby the bikini cake and his first reaction was "What's this? Cookie Monster turds?"! I nearly died laughing...

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCarly

I'm a Florida native and it's absolutely true that every building in the summer is kept at approximately 0 degrees Fahrenheit from June through September.

I'm also as pale as a Casper. Sun? Are you kidding me? I'm covered in 100 SPF all day long. (The same could be said for SoCal, where I live now.)

The hilarious thing is in the winter, whenever it dropped to a frigid 60 degrees, people in Miami would crank up the heat to a temperature only Satan could love, then pile on the sweaters and fur coats. I remember almost passing out in a Macy's because the heat was on waaay too high.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterlazypadawan

Thank you for the uterus cake. We're gifting one to the republicans who like to make cake out of women's reproductive rights.
Jello cake, you say?. Oh, jello AND cake. My bubby (yiddishe grandmother to all you goyim out there) made for all or our birthdays an angel cake, lovingly punctured with a knitting needle, through which holes would be poured different flavors of jello AFTER layering the bottom of the springform pan with pineapple rings with maraschino cherries in their holes. After the jello set, and the cake unmolded, the whole thing was slathered in real, lightly tinted, whipped cream (except for the top layer of jello and fruit. Pretty!).
We always expected one on our birthdays and would be sure to put in our request. I tried once to make one. It didn't come out like bubby's, but the jello/cake thing is pretty awesome. I searched the internet and did not find a recipe for 'Bubby's Jello Cake"

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

Hey, check it out (cool and weird)~ the 9th cake down, below the Ants-On-Cupcakes gig; the melty,runny yellow thing? Well, it looks an AWFUL LOT like a famous painting: Dali's "The Persistence of Memory." Pretty awesome, actually! (Or maybe it's just me....I hope not.) =^a.a^=

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Glad to know that someone else is paler than I am! I avoid the sun like the plague (I've been known to hiss when sunlight touches my skin - I'd apply for official vampire status, if it weren't for that icky blood drinking thing). I never, ever complain during the winter, 'cause I'm saving up all of my "weather bitching" for the summer. And zoomom, I'm in Ontario and I looooved the weather today, lol!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSue M

I can attest to identifying FL tourists by their glowing red skin. They seem determined to gain an entire summer's worth of tan in one weekend by refusing to wear sunscreen. Even my visitors, whom I plead with to bump up their SPF.

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChocolate Goddess

Fact: since they turned on the AC in our office in April, we all switched from regular cardigans to blankets. Or snuggies. It looks like some sort of Red Cross shelter, so many people are huddled under blankets.

And just the other day I commented how I've never bought a foundation shade that was not called "ivory." I just buy the lightest one in any brand. People find out I'm from Arizona and say "But you're so pale!" Of course! We don't go outside before sundown all summer!

May 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCath

@lazypadawan: Spot on regarding the summer but especially the winter inside temps. As I was reading the comments above to my wife, she said I should write about the 100 degree temperatures inside Florida's public buildings during the winter. Then BINGO, we read your comments. Truly an LOL moment !!!!!!!!!!

May 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChris

The frigidness of buildings in the south during summer comment made laugh because it reminded me of my childhood home in NC. My dad was an electrician at a glass plant, and it wasn't unusual for it to be upwards of 125 degrees at his job in summer. He always came home to the A/C blasting and the rest of us huddled under blankets! (I also remember how bad my glasses fogged up when I went outside, lol.) A/C is precious to us southerners!

May 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMel M.

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