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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Jun072013

DONUT TEST ME, MAN

In honor of National Donut Day, I give you: 

13 Ways To Wreck a Perfectly Good Donut

(Because what are donuts, really, except small, holey cakes? That are deep-fried? I rest my case.)

 

1) Add poop:

 

2) Add poop with a worm crawling out of it:

 

3) Or a worm crawling out of... um... these things:

 

4) Put One Freaky Eye On It:

("I'm meeeel-ting!")


5) Put Four Freaky Teeth On It:

 

6) Make it angry:

 

7) Make it scary:

(Then tell kids it's the Easter Bunny.)

 

8) Make it confusing:

(Wha...?)


9) Glue a bunch together with frosting and call it a "donut cake."

(Hang on, what fresh abomination is this?)

 

10) Or stack them and call it a "wedding cake."

OY.

 

11) Misspell it:

S-U-A! S-U-A!

 

12) Or do this to it:

Ick.

 

13) Or, if all else fails, this:

"I'm sorry, but could I get a little more frosting on this? And maybe another waffle cone? With a cream pie on top? And some Gummi Bears? And one of those King Cakes? And then wrap it in a few dozen pancakes? Yeaaaah, that'd be greeeeeat."

 

Thanks to April R., Amy N., Susanna C., Ashley W., Aubrey L., Janet V., Sarah B., Malisa I., Jennifer S., Rachel K., Carol G., Sheriden C., & Rivit, and no, I won't make you one of those, because a girl's got to have standards. Plus I'm fresh out of King Cakes.

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Reader Comments (112)

Hey mel, are you there? Could you ask your friends over at Siouxby, Doobie and Deux LLP if anyone holds a patent on a combination cruller-vibrator? Number 8 is giving me ideas.
Brilliant, money-making ideas...

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Jon Stewart recently did and interview with President Jimmy Carter. Carter was talking about Guinea worms and how it took a month for them to work their way out of a person's body through the skin. He said that one time he saw a guinea worm coming out of a woman's nipple.

This is what I thought of when I saw # 3.

Well, off to Dunkin' Donuts.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

#5 looks kind of like a sandworm to me. A cute sandworm. As a doughnut that you are supposed to eat - not so much.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMoe

I kind of think the caterpillar ones are cute - at least the ones that still have two eyes.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

I kind of think the caterpillar ones are cute - at least the ones that still have two eyes.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

And people wonder why obesity and diabetes are epidemic in the S.U.A. I appreciate an icing rose as much as the next person, but talk about gilding the lily.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGretchen

This totally made me think of VooDoo Donuts too! Now I want to go to Portland just for some donuts. Because good things come in pink boxes...

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPortfan

#1 is from Krispy Kreme. The "poop" part is almost exactly, but not quite completely unlike chocolate whipped cream.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteranony mouse

My 4 yr old daughter looked at the first one and said, "Why is there poop on it?" And no, she can't read that word yet lol

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTrinity

I really wish I could have a wedding do-over just so I could have a donut "cake"!

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

@SaraCVT
"I do not voluntarily eat blue food, with an exception for blueberries. Think about it. Would YOU?"
----
Why not? I've had blue Jell-O (a fruity flavor), and blue popsicles that tasted like vanilla. Blueberries aren't really blue; squash 'em and the juice is purple. (I don't care for the taste, myself.)

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Too tired to comment. But I will have a #8 to take home, please.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Clearly, they were referring to "Sua sponte", the motto of the 75th Ranger Regiment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sua_sponte
because we all know how much Rangers love donuts... o_0

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew

@Becky- I thought the same exact thing!! LOL!!

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentershannon

While I think it is disgusting, it is possible that the birthday boy requested a "donut" cake. My kids always get to pick their birthday cake so if that's what one of them wanted that's what we'd do. Might not really be a wreck at all. The birthday boy was probably delighted.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDrockbox

I can totally see Alex Forrest boiling #7 in a stockpot.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNo Capea

Maybe I'm a touch cruel but I couldn't stop laughing at the frosting blood trail left in #12. Poor tortured doughnuts...... The humanity! I wonder if PETA covers whatever creature they're supposed to be.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNaughty Naultilus

Oy vey. Makes me rethink my free donut from Krispy Kreme...

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

I believe "caterpiller" is the country spelling.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah B.

Who knew the Black Rabbit of Inle was a pastry all along? I don't remember that.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLinden

General observation: There is NO putting me off doughnuts.

#9 While CCCs are politically correct, puppy-hating abominations from heck, doughnut cakes sound awesome. Because anything that has doughnuts as an ingredient can't be bad. And that includes the Krispy Kreme Chocolate Bombe. Because such things are enjoyed maybe once or twice a year and are not part of the daily diet, therefore, how-bad-can-it-be / get-a-life, regulators.

#10 See #9. But these are individual doughnuts, stacked for easy NOM NOM NOM. Sorry. Got carried away, there. Instead of strange rituals with large knives and shmooshing cake in each other's faces, one simply says in a very civilized manner, "would you care for a doughnut, dear?" To which the reply is, "That may be the silliest question ever. Hand it over."

Plus, there is none of the usual pretense where the guests know that the fancy cake the bride and groom are carving on is just for them (the bride and groom), while everyone else gets sheet cake. No, the doughnut tree pictured serves four, then they bring out the sheet doughnuts. Which might have to be invented now. Excuse me...

BTW, I refuse to surrender on the spelling. To me, 'donut' reads as do-nut. This is of course pronounced "doo-nut", which I will allow is entirely appropriate for #1 and 2.

Thanks for including the handy ordinal numbering -- makes cross-referencing easier for those of us who generate lists. You know who you are.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

My 3-year-old daughter was looking over my shoulder and said, "WHOOAAA, look at that one! Yummy!" when she saw the last one. *gag!*

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJanice

Linden, I LOVE you for the Watership Down reference!!!!! :D Something tells me Bigwig wouldn't have viewed the Black Rabbit with quite so much fear and awe if he'd been made of sugar and frosting.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlison

I didn't think it was so much the donut wedding cake was bad. The giant wooden stand was bad. I bet a better professional cake decorator could make an awesome wedding cake out of donuts. I challenge Cake Wrecks to find good looking cakes made out of donuts.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMapleGirl

So on the most recent episode of The Soup they showed a particularly vulgar scene from The Kardashians ( as if that show isn't vulgar enough) that involved a donut and a carrot. That scene ruined chocolate donuts for me, but your post just ruined ALL donuts for me. This a total win for my diet, thank you!

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Number 7...Frank the Bunny from Donnie Darko......

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjj

Jen, you are so awesome! I was having a crabby day and you made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh....Thank you, as always.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteracanoegrl

WHY all the Neon icing!?? Why when something is labeled "for kids" does it have to be such UN-natural colors? Artificial colors have been linked to ADD/ADHD... just sayin'

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterlawnajo

@ Craig: "...then they bring out the sheet doughnuts. Which might have to be invented now. "
To me, 'donut' reads as do-nut. This is of course pronounced "doo-nut"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Go! Do it! Invent the sheet doughnuts already! I'll wait! Then I'll take the entire, first-ever sheet off of your hands, before it even has a chance to cool!
Oh, but wait! What a bummer--I just remembered that to me, a REAL doughnut isn't a REAL doughnut unless it has been deep-fried. And, get this: it has to be deep-fried IN LARD.
MMMmmmmmmm...[Do they even MAKE/sell lard anymore??] These should be served with a warning, because, of course anything that tastes THAT good comes with a free, downloadable heart attack. =^-.-^=

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

yeah, I totally want to eat the doughnut cake now, too!

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHAL

My reaction to #8? "They found the Mongolian death worm! Don't let it spit on you!"

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDragonBait

How appropriate that 13 is a baker's dozen.

Somehow, badly done donuts whet my appetite more than badly done cakes.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

They misspelled "caterpillar". Ugh. Awful decorating AND awful English.
Oh, and the SUA cake is probably a failed attempt to write it monogram-style, with a big U on top and a little S and A below.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWreckophile #1

@ Just Andrea, who said: "I was totally kidnapped by aliens" ~~ SURE...sure..SOME people will use any flimsy ploy, just to get sympathy!! Just like a lost kid sitting at the police station, his/her tears being mopped up by cops shoving candy and doughnuts in his/her face! I can see right through your "alien" pity-party. HERE--have a Twinkie! Just please stay away from the obscene-looking Gummi-worm thingies; those have an "R" rating (for "Retch-worthy.")

=^>.<^=

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@ Craig:
Speaking of "sheet doughnuts": Huh! (Actually, 'Huh!' AND 'Yum!' Because: what a concept! Bring it!)
I have to say, sir, your remark mentioning "those of us who generate lists...You know who you are" hit a nerve. I am a "dyed--in-the-wool" lister. I even list my LISTS, in categories such as "alphabetical", "numerical" and "whimsical"; with subcategories encompassing "barely-worth categorizing" to "ALL-encompassing." It's a dirty job, but someone has to list it....them...whatever.
=^-.-^=

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

#3 - I'm thinking it's a tapeworm. Yuck!

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkatimomkat

I'm actually good with the wedding one. Sorry. May I still stay?


Haiku Joy!!!!!!!! WOOT :D You were missed.

ah, mel! you have, once again, risen to the challenge.

Just Andrea- seen any men in black suits lately? I hope not!

SuBee, that was the winning comment (brilliant, money-making comment).

Fluffy Cow- get some sleep, durnit! we need you.

Craig, is this what it takes to get a long post from you again? donuts? ;)

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

EEWWWWWW. That's all I can say. (Mind you, the blogger's comments are the best part, but that's why we come back, isn't it?)

The chocolate ones with chocolate in the middle are particularly gross, and he ones with the wormsn. . .OMG.

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterATyger

@SuBee -- you make me laugh...YOU created Siouxby, Doobie and Deux, LLP. on April 11, 2012; Sharyn did Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, and I did Tinker, Tois and Tops (with partner Tois sometime later replaced by partner Toys)..... Anyway, I spoke briefly today with Mr. Potato, Head Counsel for TT&T, and he said he'd look into it...it was the yeast he could do (I think he was trying to get a rise out of me)....Wait...he just got back to me...The firm had their patent attorney, Pat Pending, review it and she said there is no patent on that and you are good to go. However, there IS a patent on a pizza-vibrator with a self-rising crust....

@zoomom -- what...me punny....?
@lisadh -- thanks, and well-played yourself! (and never resist the urge to pun!!)

June 7, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

Well I guess I am the only one that would probably attempt to eat that last donut thing lol. Then of course my teeth would fall out and I would bounce off the walls from the sugar rush. My husband would probably flee for his life lol. I wonder if donut cakes are going to be the new CCC.. I seriously hope not lol.

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

@sendingtheclowns, I was OF COURSE thinking that sheet doughnuts would have to be deep-fried. Cake is cake and doughnuts are doughnuts. Cake doughnuts are acceptable if the real thing isn't available, however. Just be sure to have plenty of milk on hand. Or sweet tea, if one hates sleeping.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how big the deep fryer would have to be, and the various lawsuits that might ensue (get it?), starting with the risk of the operator falling in. Then I thought, "we're talking doughnuts here -- they're worth the risk."

BTW, did you say, 'Twinkie'? Are they back somewhere? I had heard rumors. Dare we hope...Choco-Diles?

Barbara Anne, what can I say -- doughnuts inspire me.

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

So number 7, is it just me or is that actually the rabbit of Caerbannog, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteranon

@Craig;

"Just be sure to have plenty of milk on hand. Or sweet tea, if one hates sleeping."

Okay, forget it--the deal's off. MILK?? SWEET TEA??? What PLANET are you on, man? Apparently you have a different rule book than I do. Mine calls for doughnuts to be consumed ("en masse" by the way) with COFFEE. ONLY with COFFEE!!!!
(Wow...gotta tell some people EVERYthing...) (Oh, and I DO hateSleepingIneverSleepNEVERever!!!!!)
=^@.@^=
~~~~~~~~~~
@No Capea: "I can totally see Alex Forrest boiling #7 in a stockpot."

(OHhhh, ewwww)...I could've maybe/probably gone the whole day without thinking about THAT...thanks.
=^>.<^=

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@ Donna:
"...you can now get a bacon-fried egg sandwich made on doughnuts at Dunkin' Doughnuts."

Yah; I just read about those, and talk about a heart attack on wheels...!

It sounds absolutely divine...mmmmm....
=^u.u^=

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@ Naughty Naultilus:
"...wonder if PETA covers whatever creature they're supposed to be."

Sure, as long as PETA stands for "People's Excrement That's Abnormallycolorful".

eeesh...=^e.e^=

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Donut cakes are like religion thanks to Allie's in Rhode Island:) They rock! MAple glaze 4 life, yo. https://www.facebook.com/AlliesDonuts

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoanna

@Barbara Anne -- awww shucks (fidgets, eyes glazed....) [a little donut humor for you....]
:-)

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

@No Capea:--who said: "I can totally see Alex Forrest boiling #7 in a stockpot.")
!!SCREAM!!!!! Oh, no!!! That is just...just...
well, pretty unrealistic, actually. It's JUST a pastry!
heh heh =^-.~^=

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Well, how weird is this (after "talking" about this very thing, sort of): A HOSTESS plant is opening in Kansas--"many jobs" are to be created!! (I just read this in the news, like 5 minutes ago.) Here come the Twinkies, cupcakes, and all of the other goodies that are so near and dear to our American Way of Life! No (bad) pun intended,but a fat lot of good that does ME in MY trying-to-find-a-job efforts!! (I'm NOT Dorothy, and I KNOW that I'm not in Kansas.) I'd work there, and still keep a few of my scruples. I'd still eat my brocolli!
=^-.-^=

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I think #8 might be... shoes? Like, ones with bits of sock poking out and ones with pompoms? ...maybe.

June 8, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterR99A

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