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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Aug222013

Graphic Jams

[NOTE: Today's final wreck is slightly NSFW, although I did my best with the censor bars. Honest.]

***

Last night I was talking with friends about how my job here at CW is a little harder these days - not because bakers are making less wrecks, but because they're making them so graphic now that I can't post the worst offenders anymore.

Used to be I'd get all giddy when some colossally disgusting monstrosity came in. Now, I look at the photo-realistic bloody entrails or crowning viscera of a C-section, sculpted in painstaking anatomical correctness, and I'm all, "Welp. CAN'T POST THAT."

It's disheartening, let me tell ya.

(And don't get me started on erotic cakes. That entire market is one big wreck-fest, but can I post the fountains of phalluses? NoooOOooo. Not that I'd really want to, of course. Seeing that much fondant pubic hair does things to a person. Bad things.)

I ask you, bakers, whatever happened to good old fashioned screaming baby dolls jammed on top of sheet cakes?

Isn't this traumatizing enough?

 

Or how about questioning the mother's identity while insinuating her "baby" is really just a good BM?

I bet "Maggy" and "Little Crapper" will cherish this memory always.


If you really want to startle your clients, bakers, why not just throw a maternity shirt - a real one - over an edible sonogram? I mean, have you SEEN how scary those things are?

Though I must admit, the urge to stick a bloody Alien head under that top would be pretty overwhelming. [evil grin]

 

Oooh, and hey, bakers, never underestimate the power of the fugly side:

 "FEEL THE POWER."

("Oh. I can feel it.")

 

Hang on, you're not even listening to me, are you, bakers? You're over there giggling madly while shaking chocolate sprinkles all over your pastry hoo-haws, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

I knew it.

Well, can you at least stop dismembering baby dolls and jamming their arms and heads inside? Please?

*sigh* Ok. Fine. But THIS MEANS WAR. 

 One with lots and lots of censor bars.

 

(In my defense: how would YOU censor that second cake? Just pretend it's a... um... peanut. With a baby head. And lady bits. [If you really want to see the uncensored version, click here.])

(Btw, that's the least graphic example of the hoo-haw trend I could find. And believe me, it IS a trend. I'm being inundated! Eek!)

 

Thanks to Debbie M., Magdalena E., Lisa, Melissa A., & Kellie W. for not asking why a baby shower needs a hoo-haw smash cake. Because, srsly, NO ONE HERE WANTS TO KNOW.

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Reader Comments (94)

I think a lot of these cakes are purposely made to look awful just for the chance to be on this site. :-)

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAna

Is it me or does That last cake kinda look like sloth from the goonies wearing lip stick? From the waist up I mean.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGreggretta

Aha, I caught an Emperor's New Groove nod in there!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterWhit

My favorite line from all of the above comments:

"But really: Why put the vagina face in the box? Why? Whywhywhy?"

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjennifer

When I clicked the link for the uncensored image of the hoo-haw cake, I was exactly sure what I'd see, but all I could think was that the chocolate sprinkles looked like ants covering the mama's hoo-haw and the "Here's Johnny!" hoo-haw/baby head in a box. Now I am officially grossed out for the day. :shudder:
Fountains of Penii sound like a lot more fun. No, not really. But keep 'em comin' Jenn! :snort:

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSugarFrosted

Me to GF: There should be a new rule that says chocolate sprinkles cannot be used as pubic hair on cakes. *shows her cake*
GF: Weeelll, it works, but me I'd just prefer not to have cake without pubic hair!
Me: That...is a very good point.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrekke

Oh, my sweet lord.
I frowned appropriately at the first few cakes - plastic baby parts on cake, fabric on cake, uglyness ad nauseum (with rubber ducks and pointy trees - I ALWAYS associate small plastic pointy trees with the miracle of birth!). I was even only mildly disturbed by the twinkie corpse (I was, however, smart enough NOT to click on the link to the uncensored version...)
BUT REALLY!?!?!? The hoo-haw (or as my friend's daughter says: "foo") with the smilling baby face fully-frontal is just...GAAHHHH!!!! Usually, I can't agree with the commentors who say 'forget it - I'd never eat that', because it's CAKE and usually has FROSTING! (Win-win!) but in this case. I don't even care if it IS cake. It ain't happening.

I'm wtih those folks who prefer teddy bears, blocks, rattles etc. The vajayjay is not cake appropriate.

And One BILLYYON bonus points to Mel for his epic poem. Fantastic, Sir!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkrunchifrog

Ok, I made the mistake of looking at the uncensored version. Am I the only one that thinks it looks like she has a swarm of ants on her vag?

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterpdxred

In that last cake's defense - if it is indeed at all defensible - I think that's baby hair, not hoo-haw hair. Or at least both, since they chose to include the pubes on the mini-hoo-haw cake, too.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

Kronk FTW!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterrbcvt

@Emma: Babies can come out any way they choose. (And while they're at it, "any where" and "any when" as well!) I found out the hard way but won't bore you w/details. Suffice to say it really has nada to do with mama. =^~.-^=

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I'm going to resist any temptation to click the link to the uncensored version of the last one. I haven't been visiting CW very long, but I've been around here long enough to heed the warning of Santayana: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

I will say that the penultimate one looks like something that was originally designed by "Uncle Si" Robertson, but then Elle Woods got her hands on it.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterwoodnwheel

@Noey: I think the cake featuring what you referred to as the 'vagina buster" was originally made as a mock-up for a scene in the sci-fi horror movie "Alien." However, after an initial viewing, the scene was changed to the significantly less scary "chest buster" scene.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

Oh my!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKiwiSpud

Dare I say it.... perhaps you could do a separate book: "Cake Wrecks XXX" for only the erotic and graphic and hoo-haw cakes and cupcakes. Share the "YIKES!" moments with us!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjune7

Are we sure that Ali's cake was really decorated by a professional baker and not by a five year old excited about being a big sister?

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterM.

@mel: Yes! What KarateLady said!

@Greggretta: Yes, Sloth. Glad to see his hair grew back. I didn't recognize him at first without his Superman T-shirt.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

Can you make an x-rated site? Please.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDianimal

This has nothing to do with cake, but is just so surreal I had to share. One of my 10-year-old twin daughters exclaimed, upon taking a plate of Totino's pizza rolls out of the microwave, "Ah! Smell the magnificence!" I don't know whether to be impressed with her vocabulary or worried about her redneck tastes. Or both.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

@mel: "A silent nod to Hester Prynne, I’ve always wanted to work that in" (Well, who HASN'T, =^-.-^= I ask you?)
But aside from that...Look, I've got to tell you: You are NUTS. Probably certifiable....and maybe even harboring a belfry full of those adorable little brown, fuzzy, flying critters. But I hugely admire how you're able to yank so darn MANY laughs out of me, every day...! Along with so many others, here, too. Especially John & Jen. If I hadn't said anything and croaked, well, la-dee-da- nobody would know the difference. But I'm not getting any younger...and I feel this "need" lately (suddenly?) to start saying what I really want, and need, to say, because I can....(and also because America. *wink*) And not just here, but in my "real" life..So, okay? Everybody? Are we cool? =^~.~^=

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@ SaraCVT ;
Oh! Dave Barry-!!-yes, yes, and YES!! I adore his stuff and have cracked completely up reading him--how could I have forgotten...? (Scary) I know I have some of his writing here, somewhere.I first found him in the Sunday papers, I think. Thanks SO MUCH for reminding me about him...there is no such thing as "enough funny." Ever!
=^~.~^=

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

clearly the last cake is a wedding cake complete with accompanying groom's cake. Duh.

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

the roses on the 2nd cake look like when you shave thin spirals off radishes to make (ready for it?) "radish roses." taa daaaa

I know better than to click when Jen says something's gross. seriously, look at the things that actually make it onto the site!!! (horrified shudder)

mel, this may be your masterpiece :D

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

@ mel:"twinkie corpse" is a beautiful fitting phrase -- fitting in a symbolic way as Twinkies were formerly made by Hostess, and, of course, the mother is the "hostess" for the baby...
Oh, please PLEASE pardon me for giggling my ass off, but somehow the words "beautiful", "mother", and "hostess for the baby" don't seem all that "fitting" alongside of "twinkie corpse."
ALSO...I think I may have gotten just a smidge carried away up there^ where I'm "Yes"-ing all over the place... Oh, like YOU weren't thinking the SAME thing! Come ON. Sure, I love the writing but it's not like I get o---Oh, crap I gotta go--I'm laughing so hard that I can barely see straight!

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@ Barbara Anne: The "radish rose" base has been covered, if you look up, or back, (or whatEVER!) I wouldn't have noticed except for the fact that I put it there! =^Q.Q^=

August 22, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

@KarateLady: Thanks so much. I’m glad you liked the poem and (Hester). I do have so much fun here, and appreciate the opportunity to just be somewhat silly. I don’t worry about comments; sometimes something works, sometimes not, but, as they say, if you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, some of it will stick, or, even a blind pig occasionally finds a truffle. I have no idea what these either mean or have to do with this, but I’m certain there’s some relevance in there somewhere…. (Perhaps I’ll ask Dr. Why, my alias from yesterday as you so cleverly deduced.) I appreciate your encouragement!
@krunchifrog: you are too generous with your bonus points, but thank you. I think I was a little manic writing this one (probably too much coffee….). And again, I love your name.
@Just Andrea: thanks; I appreciate it!
@sendingtheclowns: thanks…I think….and know that those furry critters are currently out and about, enjoying the night air, but will return tomorrow…one gets one’s friends where one can (although I do not can, and cannot can can….)
@Barbara Anne: well...masterpiece may be a tad too strong, hahaha…I think feeble attempt at humor would be closer to the truth….and on a personal note, of my own poetical work, I lean toward “The Craven, Revised.” Thanks again for your never-ending cheers!

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel

@jennifer: you are so right! Who would have dreamed that I would ever type such a sentence! Or that there would actually be an occasion where typing that sentence would be completely appropriate and reasonable?

Yet another reason why I love this blog!

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

The last cake is beautiful the way it honors women with severed appendages who suffered horribly as they died in childbirth as their unborn fetus suffocated in the birth canal. These women and their dead children are often forgotten, but because of this cake, now they never will be. Never.

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

@KarateLady> OH my God--the footed pj's!! I just *flashed* on those--My bother and sister and I had them! I can actually remember one night when I had to get up to go "potty"-I was probably around...5? 4? Whatever; all I remember is that I had on the footies (they were ONE piece with snaps all the way up the front, almost like the baby "onesies") and I had them completely off in the bathroom, and it was dark and I couldn't figure out which were arms and which were legs. I just left 'em on the floor and went back to bed nekkid. I didn't really "get" why my Mom was amused the next morning but I vaguely remember feeling annoyed /embarrassed that she was laughing about it.

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

SaraCVT said: "This has nothing to do with cake, but is just so surreal I had to share. One of my 10-year-old twin daughters exclaimed, upon taking a plate of Totino's pizza rolls out of the microwave, "Ah! Smell the magnificence!" I don't know whether to be impressed with her vocabulary or worried about her redneck tastes. Or both."

Girl. GIRL. SO MANY comments on this thread made me laugh, but that bit of randomness was AWESOME. I laughed so hard, my husband came in from the other room to check on me because he thought I was hurt.

How can these birth cakes claim to be realistic if they don't include some of the brown frosting poops from a few posts back? Am I right, ladies who have given birth? THERE'S something that NO T.V. SHOW or MOVIE in the HISTORY OF HUMANKIND (except the brilliant drama "Call the Midwife" on BBC/PBS) has EVER WARNED us about-- if you give birth chances are you WILL poop in the process. Once my various female friends started crankin' 'em out and told me about pooping everywhere, I was like "Yup, it's official. You can put Giving Birth on the list of Things I Will Never EVER Do, along with skydiving and sticking my head in a shark's mouth." What's the appeal?

And put me on the "Jen Needs An Adults Only Cake Site/Page" list. I'm a great big girl, I can take it. Lay that phallus fountain on me, li'l Mama.

Your Pal,

Storm

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStorm

I just don't get it. When I was younger, I thought "the cruder the better"…I'm getting into my upper 50's now, and I'm turning into an old lady I guess. My point is that I agree with you. Wish I could make this comment hilarious, but my sharp wit also seems to have departed with my youth. Go figure. Also want to let you know how very much I enjoy this blog. I check it nearly every day, and recommend it very often. I just don't often leave comments. (the comments also are part of my enjoyment, by the way) Love to all!

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMookzmom

@KarateLady & @sendingtheclowns: Haha! I had footed pjs until I was about seven and/or until they no longer made them in my size. I always got the ones with the flap in the back, though, so no night-time nekkid wanderings for me. I see they now make footed pjs for adults...

@Mookzmom: Hi! Glad you left a comment. Always nice to see 'new' people.

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

You know I was pretty geeked out on pain meds with all of my deliveries, but I clearly recall being clothed while giving birth. Why the naked delivery cake? I could see if they put her in a tub or something...but not just laying there naked. Also, can a hands-first delivery even happen?

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKristy

AND if you want the maternity shirt cake, just ask ANY employee - cause it takes no talent whatsoever to whip out something like that! Whoops! I think I just made a funny - "whip out something..." ;-) LOL!

August 23, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen @ Cup a Dee Cakes

@Kristy: But the question is... did you poop?

Your Pal,

Storm

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStorm

Well at least they used chocolate sprinkles on that last one and not something more "curly" - that's a positive thing right?!?

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercharmingtortoise

The maple bar vajayjay framing a smiling dolls face is quite disturbing. Really, who wants a close up of that view (unless it's for an OB doctor???) Lady bits and pubic hair on a cake is never a good idea. I didn't think the uncensored cake (I clicked the link, of course) was the worst birth cake ever featured on CW. There have been much MUCH worse. This is not to be misconstrued as a compliment to this cake. No, indeed not!

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersandy

I think the most disturbing part about the last cake is that it appears to have been baked in a cake mold. "Lady giving birth? Sure, we've got a mold for that!" *shudder*

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCam

*gag* OMG, that is so disturbing! Makes me so glad I'm not having kids. Not that I would even allow a baby-shaped cake at my shower even if I did have 'em. *shudder*

Did you ever see the episode of Ridiculousness with Duff Goldman? Even he's disturbed by that. Just say no, America, seriously.

As far as the erotic cakes, that made me giggle. A friend of mine used to work in a local bakery in high school(sadly now closed, and they had some damn good cheese danishes!), and the lady who owned the place apparently made a dong cake, likely for someone's bachelorette party. She tried to hide it from my friend, but she caught a glimpse anyways.

They didn't use fondant for the pubes. According to her, it was coconut. *laughs*

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKiana

Thank you, for saving our innocence! :D And @Sharyn, hilarious

August 24, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

I follow a paleo/primal diet. My first thought was, "Can I get a slice of baby cake where the baby liver is?".

August 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPaleo Bon Rurgundy

That first cake was very detailed.

August 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaura Saxon

The "uncensored" version of that last cake looks like the baby is being attacked by a swarm of ants...dear God...what were those people *thinking* ?!
If that was really the cake the parents-to-be ordered...maybe the bakers were trying to punish the customers' lack of taste by making the cake look as terrible as possible??

August 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNerfbomb

Personally, the only thing that kept me sane while viewing this post was the seamless slipping in of a quote from The Emperor's New Groove. Well played, Jen - I know you're looking out for our innocence in the midst of your responsibilities as an objective wreck-porter!

Which, now that I think about it, could contain a comment on cake #5: IZMA - PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

August 29, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAgent B

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