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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Tuesday
Aug272013

AB-Solute Sexiness!

Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.

Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.

First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin:

My sexiness will have begun.

 

Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:"

"Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY."

 

Which will soon begin to divide...

...and look mildly shocked at being discovered.

 

Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out:

Like Twinkies under a blanket.

Mmmm Twinkies...

 

And finally, after years of neverending, staggering misery, I will be able to bask in the glory of my oh-so-sexy new abs:

Like Brad Pitt, only better.
And a little more lopsided.

[head tilt]

Huh.

You know, on second thought, I think my abs are happy where they are.

Right, guys?

Right.

Now, who wants Twinkies?

 

Thanks to Ashlee, Brandi H., Solveig, Anony M., Stephanie S., & Stephanie A. for presenting their bodies of evidence... and for sharing the snack cakes. [hint hint]

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Reader Comments (67)

I got the "50 Shades" reference in #5, but I don't understand why he/it has an exoskeleton. I keep thinking about peeled shrimp.

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFM

Fairly sure that #4 says Just Married.

Groom's cake?

Wedding cake?

OMG! What the hell happened to my cake?????

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBegonia Storms

Huh. Is anyone else seeing a little "BING" /"click to search" pop-up thingy when you move your cursor near the photos?

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

ROFL @SuBee!!! We used to call Speedos "one-fourths", because they are 1/4 the size of a decent men's bathing suit!! :P It always seemed that the only men on the beach wearing them were the overweight, pasty-white Northerners (sorry, our beach is in the South, y'all). :P

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteranony mouse

It's OK John. You can always cultivate boobs instead!

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah B.

Just a tad (like totally) off-topic, but I just jumped back to YouTube to watch something I'd saved earlier, and there was something already playing (?NO idea how that happened & it was a very weird)...but ANYway, the music was interesting, and the name of the group is Steam Powered Giraffe. So, naturally, I thought of John & Jen and wondered if they'd heard these --aw, of COURSE they have). =^@.@^=

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

yup, saw Homer Simpson in #2- which I did not expect to see- but did not see something I thought was standard equipment....huh

August 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

Oh man I cannot unsee Homer Simpson now lmao. And will hide my twinkies so no evil wreckerator ruins them by hiding them under some weird looking frosting. Which is probably fondant with my luck but either way they stay hidden hehe.

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

3rd one looks like ET!

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLittleLaroo

I just fell victim to,one of the classic blunders; "Never go in against a wrecky torso cake when a staring contest in on the line."

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

I think it would have been hilarous if the "Just Married" cake actually did have twinkies under the frosting. It'd be like a post-modern commentary on the abs of youth turning into the twinkes of middle age. Marriage is about knowing that your spouse with change in time, from firm to spongy, but hoping that, under it all, they will be the sweet frosted goodness you married. Perhaps with creamy filling.

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAllegra

Bravo, zoomom!!

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

The airbrushed "pube spot" on the first cake is weirding me out...

August 28, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNerfbomb

The second cake looks like the guy swallowed a monkey, and it's about to burst out of his skin. Or, possibly, a monkey that is wearing the skin of a male human's torso on its head.

August 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

1st cake my daughter asked me if it was a mouse. "It's looking at me" I say, then I have to explain to her what a torso is. The next cake is looking at me too while she says, "It looks like a monkey!" as apparently did the next one. Makes me think of that Peter Gabriel song, "Shock the Monkey." And should I worry that my 9-year old daughter took one look at the cake with the cuffs and said, "Police officer. AND a stripper."

August 30, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjo

What's really disturbing to be is #3--"Til Mor" means "For Mom" in Norwegian. Who gets a cake like that for their mom?! And all those nipple-eyes, staring.....

August 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMissShaina

I know I'm late to the party, but the first one (at first glance) kind of looks like two exoskeleton-less Zoidbergs making out.

September 5, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDixie

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