My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Project Wreckway

Cake expert, Tom Gann: "Pastry chefs, I am leaving you with five minutes to finish your cakes for this week's show. I'm egregiously consternated that some of you might not finish in time, but I am confident that you all have the Sturm und Drang to 'wow' me. Your desserts to this point have consistently been astrudently bralifiscent! So, make it work!"

{moments later}

Hilga Flan: "Designers, welcome to the runway. Your challenge this week was to design a cake where your only limit was your imagination. As you know, in baking, you're either thin or you're stout. Let's start the show."

Kelly: "I wanted my design to be whimsical and childlike, but still fashion forward."

Judge #1, Editor of Gourmet Cake Monthly, Mia Gonzales: "I don't get it. We wanted a high fashion cake, not an arts and craft project."

Judge #2, Founder of Cols Frosting, Daniel Cols: "Butterfly flotsam is SO last season."

Judge #3, Supermodel, Hilga Flan: "It's a hot mess."


Mikeal: "I'm not afraid of colour, and I love to stand out."

Mia: "Mikeal, I don't even know where to begin. I'm really beginning to question your taste level."

Daniel: "I agree with Mia; this is just painful to look at. There's way too much going on! The swirls... the ribbons... the flowers... the horses... the swirls... pick a theme and GO WITH IT!"

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."


Lindsay: "I love couture, so I wanted to keep my design elegant and chic."

Mia: "Lindsay, it's like you've never decorated a cake before in your life. This is... It's just... I am speechless."

Daniel: "I'm really not getting it. Is any of this even edible? If this is couture, get me out of the cake business, NOW."

Hilga: "It's a hot mess."


Frederick: "My design was inspired by my mother. She was a florist."

Mia: "More like, she was a BORIST. What a snoozefest."

Daniel: "I see how it was inspired by your mother. It's like, mother of the bride meets the spray paint department at K-Mart. And it's so matronly! What's with the stripes? I... I just don't get it."

Hilga: "I kind of like this one. It's like it's had a kiss from a rose."

Daniel: "Ugh... you would like this one."


Santiago: "I spent last summer in China, and it inspired me."

Mia: "Santiago, this is outstanding. I would take this cake to a party right now."

Daniel: "I agree. This is just stunning. I think the dragon is now, it's modern, it's hip. The kiwis and cherries are what's happening in cake decorating... it's really well thought out. Bravo."

Hilga: "Santiago, it's really hot. You're this week's winner! Congratulations! You will have immunity in next week's challenge, where you will all have 20 minutes to decorate a wedding cake while hog-tied and blindfolded."

Chasity B., Sue M., Alex N., Shawn B., Shana C., I recommend that you accessorize your designs thoughtfully; perhaps by adding some piping and a few more layers? (Get it? Cause there are layers and piping in both cake and clothes?) Seriously, make it work.


Move Over, Lunchables

As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")

It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:

The Porta-Pastry!

Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!

No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.

I'm sorry, did I say "crying?" 'Cuz I meant "crying tears of JOY."

"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."

So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:

The Double Pounder.

Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.


Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.