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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Mar162012

Pucker Up, St. Patrick!

Friends, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, and that means you're going to be facing down a drunken horde wearing funny green hats and demanding that you kiss them. [KISS ME]

But I'm here to help. [KISS ME NOW!]

 

First, you should know that alcohol has a way of reducing inhibitions, and also that Oscar here may have sniffed a little too much finger paint yesterday:

"Let's get trashed!!"

 

Second, just because a person is Irish doesn't mean you have to kiss them.

I'm getting some mixed signals here, to be honest.


Hey, this is a free country! You can kiss any one or any thing you want! Still, there are a few red flags to watch for when deciding whether or not someone is worthy of the ol' lip lock.

Things like...

Noticeable drool:

"The claaaawww."

 

Excessive, creepy staring:

"Your hide will make a fine poncho!"

 

Excessive, creepy tongue:

"Yiiiiipth yipth yipth yipth yipth yipth..."

 

Now let's run through a quick role-playing exercise, so I can show you how to gracefully escape any awkward kissing-negotiation situation:

Hopeful Would-Be Kisser:

"Well hello there." [eyebrow waggle] "As you can see by my funny green hat and pipe, I am obviously Irish! So you have to kiss me!"

[puckering up and leaning in]

 

Unenthusiastic Kiss Avoidee:

[ **** ]

 

Newly Unnerved Would-Be Kisser:

"Oh...uh...I say! Look at that thing over there that I have to go attend to immediately! Er...nice... meeting you?"

 

See? Works every time! And this is a fool-proof strategy, because it places you squarely in the "excessive creepy staring" category, which no one wants to tangle with.

Just be careful you don't take it too far:

On the plus side, he won every staring contest. Consecutively.

 

Thanks to Renee B., Kristen S., Meredith B., Darice & Sean, Anony M., Chris, Pamela H., June S., & Jaycee for the lucky break.

Thursday
Mar152012

Jen's Top Ten Sham-Wrecks

This week the world watched in silent horror as bakers everywhere struggled to remember what a three-leaf clover looks like.

This post bears witness to the tragic results.

 

Money may not grow on trees, mom and dad, but I have it on good authority that butts do.

 

"Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint."

 

This is actually a bird's eye view of a gigantic clover crowd-surfing.

If you're not seeing it, you're just not drunk enough. (Do something about that, won't you?)

 

And this is what happens when someone leaps into a bakery and cries, "Get me three alien bugs on a cookie cake, AND STEP ON IT!"

I know, I know; it's like I was actually there. Like I was a little green squished fly on the wall.

 

It's a tree. Or a keyhole. Or a tree-shaped keyhole.

Or a valid reason to drink another Guinness.

{HUZZAH!}

 

At first I totally thought this was a Canadian maple leaf made by a color-blind decorator.

Then I thought, "Wait, they wouldn't hire a color-blind decorator, would they?"

Then I laughed and laughed and had another Guinness. Because I'm Irish, and that's allowed. Because Guinness isn't just for breakfast anymore, people. It's also for elevensies.

 

[blinking]

Clearly I need more Guinness.

 

When Broccoli has an identity crisis:

"So my therapist's all, 'Try journaling!', and I'm all, 'MY FLORETS CAN'T HOLD A PEN, @$$HOLE.'

 

"Then I went home and vegged in front of the TV all week."

"Cool story, bro."

 

And finally, a personal favorite:

I imagine this cake's design came about something like this:

"What do you mean, clovers aren't yellow?

"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll add a green outline on top.

"What do you mean, it still looks a little plain?

"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll pour a bag of chocolate chips on it."

And you know what? I'm actually having a hard time imagining a situation that couldn't be improved by pouring a bag of chocolate chips on something. Seriously. Try to name one. YOU CAN'T.

[pouring chocolate chips in Guinness]

And so, friends, in conclusion: I actually kind of hate Guinness. Please send piná coladas. Tinted green. 

Thank you.

 

Also thanks to Juliet R., Katey W., Bethany P., Jodee R., Whitney C., Samantha G., Jess L., Lisa B., Bill A., & Jodee R. for sham-rockin' today's sham-wrecks.