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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Apr112012

Pan-Tastic!

*peppy infomercial music*

[yelling in a high-pitched monotone]

HI JOHNNY YATES HERE FOR THE ORIGINAL PAN-TASTIC ALL-IN-ONE CAKE PAN. THE FASTEST, EASIEST, SAFEST WAY TO BAKE AND DECORATE ANY CAKE YOU CAN IMAGINE... GUARANTEED! JUST LOOK AT THESE RESULTS:

AMAZING!

 

NO MORE DECORATING DISASTERS WITH THE PAN-WOW.

*WAH...waaaah*

[yelling louder]

THE UNIQUE DESIGN OF THE PAN-TASTIC LETS YOU TURN ANY CAKE INTO A WORK OF ART!

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT CAKE DESIGN AGAIN!

 

Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But how does it work?"

SIMPLE!  JUST POUR, BAKE, AND DECORATE!

IT'S THAT EASY!

 

Slightly Confused, Attractive, Well-Dressed Woman: "But can I use it for the Fourth of July?"

[screaming]

ABSOLUTELY!

THE PAN-TASTIC WORKS FOR ANY OCCASION!

 

EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL THUMBS CAN DO IT!

Pouty, Slightly Less Attractive But Still Well-Dressed Woman: "But my husband is left- handed!"

NO PROBLEM! THE PAN-TASTIC IS AMBIDEXTROUS!

FATHER'S DAY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

 

Wide-eyed Woman In A Sweater Vest: "And what about my mom, the proctologist?"

WE'VE GOT HER COVERED, TOO! IN BRIGHT PINK LATEX!

GIVE HER THE FINGER WITH PAN-TASTIC!

 

REMEMBER, DON'T SETTLE FOR IMITATORS!

GET THE ORIGINAL AND GET MORE BUNNY FOR YOUR MONEY WITH PAN-TASTIC!

THE CAKE SENSATION THAT'S SWEEPING THE NATION!

 

AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL THROW IN THE CAKE-MAGIC ALL-PURPOSE HELMET PAN... ABSOLUTELY FREE!

THAT'S A 600 DOLLAR VALUE! YOURS FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF $19.99!

ORDER NOW!

 

Thanks to Grahm, Stephanie L., Stephanie, Erin M., Matilda, Scott A., Celeste B., and Sweet for the hand-outs.

Tuesday
Apr102012

The Status Is NOT Quo

Wreckporter Adria P. found all of today's cakes in the same bakery, on the same day. And since I know how tempting it is for you optimists to think most of the wrecks here are once-in-a-lifetime flukes, I figured this would be an excellent way for me to break out my "I-Told-You-So" dance. (Which is a lot like my "I-Have-To-Pee-And-We're-Out-Of-TP" dance, but with more jazz hands.) Because people need to realize that the bakery world is a mess, and I just need to rule it.

[adjusting goggles]

But first, let's take a look at the average daily fare in this Fine Establishment:

Bad Horse after some really spicy black bean enchiladas.

("Dibs on the festering pile of black goo!")

 

(PRO TIP: "Festering" makes everything funnier.)

(Unless the thing is on you, of course. Then, less so. To you. The rest of us will still think it's funny.)


The return of the gnarly poop fingers...OF DOOM.

I'd also like to point out that Adria sent these in yesterday, and it's April. Is this like a Christmas in July thing? Halloween in April? And why are the flying orange sea urchins attacking the poop fingers, anyway? Do they always hunt in packs? Do they have shrill little battle cries? I bet they do. I bet they sound like Angry Birds when you successfully complete a level. Only....EVILER. Like, a-letter-of-condemnation-from-the-deputy-mayor evil.

 

This one actually isn't that bad, comparatively speaking. I mean, I'm not sure how the yellow stuff got dripped on so precisely, or why the Bat logo looks like a battle axe, or what natural ailment would cause an otherwise sane person to think those borders are acceptable for anyone over the age of three, BUT...

...nope, I have nothing to add to that. Never mind.

 

And my personal favorite:

"Candy From a Baby"

AKA

"How much can we insult our customers' intelligence before they stop shelling out $14.98 for this crap? At least this much. MUAH-HA-HAA! AHAHAAAAHA! Ahah."

Seriously, I love how even the attempt at any kind of decoration has been abandoned. One blobby squirt of a bottom line + finger smeared topping = DONE. And that's about standards, you know?

[poking cake]

Smells like cumin. Huh.

 

Thanks again to Adria for singing along.