Our Hour of Discontent

Well, folks, it's Monday. And as if that weren't bad enough, we were all robbed - ROBBED, I say - of one entire hour over the weekend. A whole hour! It should be one hour earlier than it is right now, but it's not! Who signed off on this?! What evil mastermind convinced the US government that a nation of grumpy sleep-deprived workers was a *good* thing?

Do you know what I could have done with that extra hour today? DO YOU?

Well, neither do I, but this blog being what it is, we both know it's going to have something to do with cake.

THINGS I COULD DO WITH THE HOUR SO SHAMELESSLY STOLEN FROM ME:

- Buy enough goldfish to refill this wedding cake:

(Ok, picture this: Finding Nemo, except instead of a dentist's office the gang all live in a bakery's wedding cake display. I CALLED IT FIRST, DISNEY.)

- Write at least 6 or 8 puns on how these cookies look like the Sorting Hat made out of poop:

"HUFFLEPOOP!"

- Write a compelling argument for why a cupcake decorated with another cupcake impaled on top of the first cupcake with a straw through them both is basically the Inception of cupcakes.

If the yellow candle falls over we'll know this isn't real.

- Photoshop the perfect couple's portrait:

Unnng, you're liking that shoulder, aren't you, Robert Pattinson? Yeeeah. C'mon, let's go sit in the back row of that school bus and stare moodily at each other.

- Find out who is manufacturing cake flotsam in the form of tiny digital projectors:

 ...Mostly so I can find the person responsible and shake his or her hand. And maybe order a few dozen for my next Jem and the Holograms party.

- Plan a Jem and the Holograms Party.

Poor Stormer.

The best thing about this Jem cake is that it gives me an excuse to link to this one. GOOD TIMES.

And finally, if I had my stolen hour back I could ...

- Stack all of these "wedding donuts":

 

... before explaining to the bride that ideas like THIS are why we as a nation can't have nice things.

Thanks to Janice W., Monica C., Katie S., Faith, Danielle B., Tiffanee D., & Rachel K., who know I'd really just spend my extra hour sleeping. AS GOD INTENDED.

Texas Cowboy Poetry

You guys, this weekend is the 27th annual Texas Cowboy Poetry Gathering! 

Naturally, I had to get in on this action.

[adjusting beret]

Ahem.

Hat, Spur, Cactus, 

Star, Shoe, Cactus

 

My boot is too long in the toe

Ow

Bunions

[fade out]

******

If you ever see a shoot-out one day

Here's a tip for surviving the fray:

Though terribly brave

It's best not to wave

 

Something I learned the hard way.

 *******

Let go, Rodeo.

With your leather-creaking Ugg boots of brown,

With your ghostly black-eyed heads floating down

With your taffy-bodied squashed creepy clown

Let go, rodeo.

LET GO.

******

Texas is a state full of dairies

And Texans sure love Ben & Jerry's

But you know what else sells?

Edible shot gun shells

 

Especially when mixed with strawberries.

[UPDATE: I'm sorry, guys. I just couldn't find a way to make "Blue Bell" rhyme with "strawberries." ;)]

*******

The best kind of horse

Is the one freely given

That wasn't half off

******

 

As a cowboy I was born in the saddle

And walking was the real battle 

I prefer riding, of course

But there's something wrong with my horse...

 

 So I guess I'll just have to waddle. 

[jazz hands!!]

Thanks to Amy, Brittany C., Nick G., Rebecca S., Anony M., Kaitlin K., Jennifer F., Kara H., & Gina T. for not giving me a hard time about rhyming "waddle" with "saddle." UNLIKE SOME HUSBANDS.