You may have heard about the Michigan woman who allegedly "drop-kicked" a Kroger birthday cake last week. Apparently she "was not satisfied" (ya think?) with the Batman vs Superman cake she ordered, and tried to go behind the bakery counter to fix it herself.
Of course this is a big no-no, so when employees intervened the women decided the cake was better served as a football. The resulting kerfuffle “caused pieces of cake and frosting to be strewn about,” police said. A witness reported the woman “threw the cake to the ground, stepped on it several times, and yelled, ‘They (expletive) ruined my 7-year-old’s birthday cake!’”
On her way out, the unhappy patron also allegedly kicked over a “wet floor” sign.
Guess which of those lines was my favorite.
Now, I think we can all agree this kind of behavior is reprehensible, but let's be honest: the real crime here is NO ONE TOOK VIDEO.
But don't you worry, we are here to help.
So please enjoy this helpful recreation:
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED.
And lest you think we here at Cake Wrecks are condoning public cake destruction, minions, allow me to present:
5 Reasons NOT To Drop-Kick A Cake
#1 Jeremy has to clean it up
And Jeremy has finals this week, so give the guy a break, okay?
#2 You can still eat it
Does this cake look like disease?
But just scrape off the most tumor-y lookin' stuff, and it's good to go!
#3: No One Likes A Cake-Kicker
Would you kick a puppy?
Of course not.
So why kick something that tastes so much better?
#4 You could hurt your foot
And if you think Mr. Hunky Fireman/EMT is going to sweep a cake-kicker off her feet, fuggetaboutit.
#5 The cake could always be worse
Please. Have you read this blog? It could ALWAYS be worse.
So remember, minions, the next time you want to kick a cake, take a picture and send it to us instead. It'll be cathartic. Promise.
Thanks to Andrea T., Jennifer A., Christina B., Brandy R., Atala, Brenda J., Kid F., Naomi J., & the hundreds of people who sent in the drop-kick story. It warms our cockles to know rampant cake destruction makes you guys think of us.