10 Hilariously Inappropriate Baby Shower Cakes

Let's be honest, ladies: baby showers tend to turn us into cooing idiots. Suddenly EVERYTHING is "precious," and we find ourselves oohing and aahing over things like diaper cakes (two words that should NEVER be used together, btw) and nightmare-inducing sonogram pictures that by rights should have us calling for an old priest and a young priest.

Not everyone has succumbed to the cute mandate, though; some fight back with the most graphic, crass, and undeniably hilarious shower cakes this side of the "Here I Come!" C-section cake.

 

  Now there's a fresh slice of reality for you: Even the tiny elf baby has soiled himself.

 

I'm the kind of person who gets way too distracted wondering if this was actually news to the person who got the cake - and if so, HOW. Seriously, think about it. 

Ok, you can stop thinking about it now.

 No, really. Stop. We have more cakes to look at!

Tired of all the cutesy euphemisms for birth? Then let's get physiological, baby!

 Say what you want, but this is STILL less icky than a torso cake.

Speaking of which, nothing screams "snack time" like a naked woman mid-birth, amirite?

I still feel partially responsible for these things; I posted The First Censored Cake Wreck a few years back, and then, bam! Suddenly these "push" cakes are EVERYWHERE.

And as if that's not bad enough, this baker decided I just don't have enough trauma associated with beloved childhood characters:

NO, CAT IN THE HAT, NOOOOOO!

I've never once wondered what a blow-up doll giving birth would look like, but now I know anyway. THANKS, BAKER. (I also started to wonder what kind of obscene Suessian rhymes she would spout out, and things quickly went from "disturbing" to "I WILL NEVER LEAVE THERAPY.")

 Maybe we should just go back to sperm cakes.

 But supposing you want a sperm cake that's also adorable? What then?

Admit it: at first you were all, "Whatever, Jen, you're just messing with us." But then you were all, "Omigosh that is totally an adorable sperm cake." Right? Right?

And if you'd like some cupcakes to go with the adorable bow-tied sperm cake:

Oops. Ok, now we're back to creepy.

That was a good run, though. Yep. Remember that cute sperm cake? Yeah. Good times.

 Hey, ever wonder what the most intensely awkward inscription for a baby shower cake could be? Yes? (Me, too!!)

 Well, WONDER NO MORE:

 

No, please, DO GO ON.

I desperately want this to be Part One of the shower desserts, you guys. And then this would be Part Two:

 

 [Psycho Shower Music]

 BWHAHAHAHAA!!

Sorry, sorry; I'm just imagining your reaction over here, and it. is. priceless. Did you notice the chocolate sprinkles up there? Did you?

 

I can't just leave you with that image, though, so allow me to present what I think should immediately become the new gold standard in baby shower congratulations:

 And I thought "handmade" was impressive.

 
Thanks to Maggie S., Jennifer A., Robyn H., Sara R., Katie S., Anony M., Deborah C., Cindy R., Libbie A., & Rachel C. for the inspiration. Assuming you never want to host a baby shower again, of course.

Jen Takes a Chill Pill

Heeeeeey guuuuuys. Jen here. Now, I might have had to take an itty bitty tiny dose of Xanax earlier today, and I might be feeling a liiiiittle bit relaxed right now.

Me [looking at the "to-post" wrecks]: "Meh. These cakes aren't so bad. I'mma go pet the cat."

John: "Oh, you want bad cakes? I'LL FIND YOU BAD CAKES."

[fifteen minute pause while I smile dreamily at the wall]

 John: "Ok, here we go. How about ... THIS."

 Me: "It's the head-shrinky guy from Beetlejuice. Nice. I'mma go pet the cat."

John: "HANG ON. I've got better ones. Here, look at this:"

[long, considering silence]

Me: "Ew." 

John: "... and?" 

Me: "And what?"

John: "All you've got is 'ew'? How about a 'til death makes us parts' joke, or, or, something about eye balling the problem? C'mon! Work with me, here!"

Me: [snoring]

John: "Jen. Jen. Jen."

[enlarging another photo and angling screen in my direction] "JEN!"

 

Me: "AAAAIIIEEEE!! I'm awake! IMMAWAKE!"

John: "... and?"

Me: "And I think I need another Xanax."

 

Thanks to Suzanne G., Sarah S., Anony M., Jude S., and artist Katie Cook, who has just the surprise I need for John later, OH YES.