Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.
Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.
First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin:
My sexiness will have begun.
Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:"
"Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY."
Which will soon begin to divide...
...and look mildly shocked at being discovered.
Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out:
Like Twinkies under a blanket.
And finally, after years of neverending, staggering misery, I will be able to bask in the glory of my oh-so-sexy new abs:
Like Brad Pitt, only better.
And a little more lopsided.
You know, on second thought, I think my abs are happy where they are.
Now, who wants Twinkies?
Thanks to Ashlee, Brandi H., Solveig, Anony M., Stephanie S., & Stephanie A. for presenting their bodies of evidence... and for sharing the snack cakes. [hint hint]