Entries in Just Funny (510)
Today is John's and my 18th wedding anniversary, and before you ask, yes, we DID get married as toddlers. We wore onesies and tottered down the aisle to the theme from Muppet Babies. It was awesome.
Anyhoo, I know what you're thinking. "Jim," you're thinking, - because you've again mistaken me for a starship captain with a penchant for pauses - "Jim, how can *I* be married for 18 blissful years?"
Ahhhh, SAY NO MORE. I do the talking around here.
Oh, and John says I have to use a bunch of these older submissions from the archives, but don't worry; I can make anything work with my stellar marriage advice. SO BRING IT, JOHN.
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #1:
Um, don't... radiate... each other. Instead, BE RADIANT.
(booya oh yeah i got this)
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #2:
Keep each other as happy as a pig in poo.
And then stay away from bees.
(Which is really more of a life tip, so that's a bonus for you single folk.)
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #3:
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #4:
Every piece of clothing ever makes her look the sexiest she has ever looked. Period.
And that goes double for the wedding dress.
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #5
When the haircut goes wrong, stick a hat on it and buy him/her cake.
And when you accidentally run over the pet snake...
...stick a hat on it and buy him/her cake.
(Your spouse, I mean, not the snake. I'm pretty sure the snake won't care for cake at this point.)
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #6:
Be their rock:
...with spontaneous wrastlin' matches.
MARRIAGE PRO TIP #7:
Give them what they want, and lots of it.
By which I mean cake.
MOAR CAKE PLS JOHN.
Thanks to Julie G., KK, Becca H., Samantha B., Ellen W., Mark H., & Diana A. for the excuse to share all these pearls of wisdom. LOOK AT ALL MY PEARLS Y'ALL.
And a special thanks to john, the hubby of me, for still being here after 18 years of poo puns and demands for whoopie... pies. I love you, Sweetness. Here's to many multiples of 18 more.