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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Entries in Missed Marks (371)

Monday
Dec032012

Seeing Double

Sometimes, when ordering a cake, you have to play Pictionary with your baker. Except instead of just telling them what to draw, you show them a picture. And instead of actually drawing anything, they make a cake. So really it's nothing like Pictionary. WORK WITH ME HERE I'M NOT SO GOOD AT ANALOGIES.

For example, Kelly and Paul wanted a cake of Winnie-the-Pooh, so they brought in this:

 

 And got...this:

Say, is that a squished spider on your face, or does your baker really think bears have whiskers? 

I mean, it's like a Goldfish Cracker donned a Groucho Marx disguise, and then sprouted nubby little arms and legs, right? It's EXACTLY LIKE THAT, right?

Ahem.

Amanda S. works for the Cirque du Soleil show Varekai, and for the show's tenth anniversary they wanted a cake that looks like the show's circus tent exterior:

 But instead, they got something like HR Giger would design if he designed Moon Boots:

 

  Really ugly, non-functional Moon Boots. That can kill you. With their pointy, pointy spiny things. Yeah. Like that.

 

And finally, Brittany M. didn't actually order this next cake, so I had John whip up a handy graphical approximation of what we *think* the baker was aiming for:

 

 This is some kind of sports thing, right? Or maybe a zoo decal? 

(I AM ALSO NOT SO GOOD WITH SPORTS.)

 

Well, whatever it is, I think it's safe to say that the baker took license with that logo in the same way a crazy artistic type person takes license with something traditional that we all love and don't want messed with. Which is to say a LOT.

Oh! I know! Like that one awful version of Jingle Bells! (No, not that one - THAT one.) Yeah. Like THAT.

So, yeah. it's bad.

[whistling]

Hm?

OH, I'm sorry. Did you want to see the cake now?

Ok.

  Meee-YOWCH!

Poor lil' kitty. I bet the LSU folks are as mad right now as cats when I try to clip their claws. 

The cats' claws, I mean, not the LSU people's. Hopefully they don't even HAVE claws. 

The LSU people, I mean, not the oh never mind.

 

Thursday
Nov012012

And Who Are YOU Supposed To Be?

Last night those of us who celebrate Halloween had the pleasure of being mugged repeatedly by little hellions armed with the threat of trickery and plastic candy buckets.

I kid, of course. At least two of the kids who came to our door had full-size trash bags instead of candy buckets. They literally could have thrown themselves away. They also weren't with any adults and didn't appear to be wearing costumes, but I'm sure that just meant they were dressed as the always popular "ungrateful child with entitlement complex."

I kid, of course. I love children. To be far away from me. And quiet. Quiet children who are far away from me are awesome. However, I'll also settle for kids wearing charming homemade costumes which make me feel all nostalgic and superior, because I can TOTALLY paint my face better than that. Just sayin', Spider-Man.

 

Halloween costumes are a lot like these wrecks: you may not always know what they're supposed to be, but you can still appreciate the effort that went into them.

Or lack thereof.

Actually, that cake is exactly like the store-bought costumes we grew up wearing in the 80s: SOLID PLASTIC. All it's missing is a giant "BUGS BUNNY" plastered across the chest.

But with today's costumes - as with these wrecks - sometimes a little educated guessing is in order:

Is it mostly blue? 

Then you've got three choices: Smurf, Cookie Monster, or someone from Avatar.

Or possibly the ghost of Cookie Monster (note the translucent hand) wearing a Smurf's hat and wailing about a tree.

(Please note: I've never seen Avatar, but I know there's something about a tree in it. John HAS seen Avatar, and now thinks I'm a horrible, horrible person.)


If excessive sideburns are involved, then it's probably Wolverine:

Unless there's no cigar. Then it's Dora the Explorer.

 

 If it looks like a cross between Heathcliff the cat and a pile of crap, then, uh...

 I'm sorry, I was distracted by the sheer towering pile of crappiness here. I think I can almost see it wobbling -  but maybe that's the post-Halloween sugar high talking. (FACT: you can never have too many "fun-sized" Almond Joys. THEY JUST GET MORE "FUN.")


And finally, if it's wearing the stricken expression of someone who will give you all the candy you want if you please just don't hurt him...

...then you're probably looking in a mirror. So go have some fun-size Snickers and put your feet up, my friend, because you've earned it.


Thanks to James W., Rachel T., Nadine A., Alison T., Kathryn S., Becky C., for sending me all their fun-sized Almond Joys. And Twix. And Reese's Cups. Aw, you guys are the best.