Breaking Up is Heart To Do

Don't you hate it when Valentines Day rolls around and you're still stuck with that person you kept meaning to break up with, but then they made you a sandwich and you forgot?

So now you have to get that person a Valentines cake, but you don't want to go overboard with the whole mushy sentiment or effort or anything?

Well, never fear, callous jerks! The bakeries of America are here to help.

Of course, there's always the obvious way:

...but suppose you want something a little more subtle to break things off?

Not to worry; you have options.

For the biology major:

"Rrrrrippit! Rrrrip out your heart and throw it against the wall! And then rearrange your intestines into a LARGER heart so I can trample THAT, too!"

Or, for a message with a little more meat to it:

There's a "steak through the heart" joke in here somewhere, I just know it.

How about a little poetry?

Field of excrement
Surrounding a shattered heart:
Evidence crack kills

Now, I know what you're thinking:

That's just offal.

Here's a cake that really says, "Your love turns me upside down!"

That, or "You're an ass!"

One of the two, anyway.

Guess which one I'm going with.

And speaking of "buttering" her up, fellas, have you considered the new "rear view" pendant that's all the rage this year?

Why, you cheeky little devil, you.

Thanks to Sarah H., Caitlin F., Madlyn D., Terri G., Heidi K., & Marc S. for the heart to heart.

I'm Actually NOT Ready For Some Football

I generally try to avoid sports-related stuff like watching ball games, playing ball games, or excessive movement, but even *I* can tell by my Facebook feed that something sports-related is going on. (Or went on. Or is going to go on. STOP PRESSURING ME I JUST DON'T KNOW OKAY?)

So I asked John about it, and he said he thought it was football season. Which might explain some of the stranger submissions I've been getting this week.

Like this:

Thank goodness. I've been waiting for You Teaw to get here for WEEKS.

Or this:

This is actually a perfect visual representation of my sports knowledge: half hearted, blatantly incorrect, and really confusing.

And speaking of confusing:

Ew.

LITTLE KNOWN SPORTS FACT: Did you know footballs are like puffer fish? It's true! Check it out:

INFLATED

DEFLATED

And while we're at it, remember those Hanukkah cakes with the five-pointed stars? Well, here's your problem:

Turns out there was just a mix-up with the Dallas "Cow-Boys."
(Oy vay! Get that pig skin outta here!)

Now it's time to play everyone's favorite football-cake-related game:

TURKEY!! OR!! FOOTBALL?!

Sooo... Turkey? Or football?

Take your time; I'll just be over here humming the Jeopardy theme in between dry heaves. (Is that paprika? *hurk*)

Now this, on the other hand, is a football cake I'd totally buy:

This is an intentional joke Amber made for her bakery manager, but it turned into an unintentional wreck when he put it out on the sales floor to sell. I like to think someone with a similarly snarky sensibility snapped it up.

And finally, a "cake" that perfectly sums up all this football wreckage:

My thoughts exactly.

Thanks to Amber M., Binah, Nilolai N., Rachel L., Claire G., Ellen D., Caitlyn H., Amber G., & Benjamin B. for the home "runs." [snerk]