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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Entries in Oh-So-Ugly (208)

Thursday
Dec132012

Hanukkah Blues

Usually around this time of year someone will always say to me, "Hey, you can't do that here!"

So then I put my pants on and take my carton of eggnog back home, where I find people are asking why I haven't posted any Hanukkah cakes yet.

The reasons are simple, my dear wreckies: Firstly, bakers don't make many Chanukah cakes to begin with. And secondly, see reason number one.

But really, who can blame them? Do you KNOW how hard it is to spell Hannukah? I mean, correctly?

 

IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE.

 

And then there are those mind-bendingly complicated Stars of David. They have six points, you guys. SIX! Pre-school did not prepare us for these kinds of manual dexterity challenges, ok? It's not like you can just draw a regular five-pointed star and then stick an extra point on it!

(Oh, wait, you can?)

 (My bad.)

 

Even the Dreidel, that spinning top thing that's ALSO impossible to spell, to the point that my spell check is telling me I'm an illiterate doofus for thinking it's spelled that way, and SURELY I mean "Deirdre" instead, but I googled it, spell check, AND I AM TOTALLY RIGHT, so stop pushing this Deirdre chick on me, because I am out of eggnog, and I am not in the mood!

 [panting]

[sitting back down]

[smoothing hair] 


Where was I?

And what is pyramid-head Mr. Bill doing here?

Or is that a house with a giant electrical outlet on it?

 

 Well, whichever, you can rest easy, my dear Chanooka celebrants, knowing you'll always have the classic, elegant option of a blue-and-white-snowflake cake for your festivities:

Or a frozen sanitary pad with wings. 

 

Thanks to Ali A., Elizabeth C., Tom F., & Jamie for helping put the "huh?" back in Hannukhuh.

Friday
Nov092012

Ways To Play It Safe

Today's post requires a special intro, so here's Dara G. to explain:

"My local [CENSORED*] bakery has this new policy - not strictly enforced, but kinda enforced - NO PHOTOS in the bakery department. None, nada. Per an ex-employee there, upper management is afraid that one of that store's specific cakes will be posted on 'that bad cake site.' Per what they tell you in the store, their cakes are 'all copyright protected.'"

(*Store name omitted. Because I care.)

She goes on to say:

"Apparently this new 'no photos' thing came about after y'all had posted their 'Popcorn' cakes on the site."

 

Oh, you mean these ones?

Now, I honestly didn't know all these popcorn cakes were even from this particular store-which-shall-remain-nameless, but it's nice to know folks over there are reading the site and recognizing their handiwork!

Anyway, Dara goes on to say that she was actually accosted by an employee citing "copyright protection" after Dara snapped a picture of this:

BEHOLD THE VISAGE OF A 'COPYRIGHT PROTECTED' PASTRY DESIGN.

 

The employee of this bakery-which-shall-not-be named even made Dara delete the photo off her phone, not knowing that Dara had actually taken TWO photos. (Sneaky girl...) 

Now, I have always been of the opinion that if you don't want your bakery's wrecks on Cake Wrecks, STOP MAKING WRECKS. But, hey, banning pictures is one way to go about it, too.

After all, if you ban photos in your bakery, then no one will ever know that your bakers made something like this:

Yes, that IS a plastic bunny tail where the mouth should be. A copyrighted bunny tail.

 

Or this:

As a joke, Katelyn's friends asked for her cake to read, "Katelyn's Failure Cake." Little did they know they'd get EXACTLY what they asked for.

 

Or even this:

If ONLY we had SOME way of knowing who is responsible for this glorious copyrighted cake design!

 

Of course, even if you do successfully bar people from photographing your wrecks in-store, there are still all those who'll just snap pics at home and then gleefully send them to me, with captions like, "Yummy piles of candy vomit!!"

In fact, here are two more sitting in the inbox right now, both from the same bakery I'm still not going to name, no matter HOW much you beg:

Jennifer J. writes, "Found this today, post-Halloween, at a [CENSORED] in Seattle, WA."

I've pointed out the unfortunate "I" placement on this design before, but this one is doubly unfortunate:

The fact that there's no period after the "P" might, shall we say, arouse suspicion as to the baker's true motives, don't you think?

 

And here's one that came in yesterday, where an election consolation cake got "owned:"

We have a winner! 

 

Of course this bakery isn't the only chain to ban photos; fact is, most stores now have similar rules. I hear from readers every week who are harassed, shooed away, and even outright kicked out of stores for whipping out their cellphones in the bakery.

Now, far be it from me to criticize rules (even ones I find really, REALLY stupid) but I don't see how harassing your own customers  - and ones who often buy your wrecks because Cake Wrecks has made them a world-wide inside joke - is good for business.

Then again, I also thought it would make more sense to train your bakers not to make wrecks instead of trying to prevent people from seeing them, so what do I know?

Oh, and while we're at it, I hear the bakery-which-shall-not-be-named doesn't make those popcorn cakes anymore, so kudos there, guys!

Now, about your spaghetti cakes...

 

Thanks to Dara, Gabriele, Lisa S., Chelsea M., Jennifer J., Bill, & Jessica A. for the picture perfect moments.

 

UPDATE: Dara G., our wreckporter on the scene, has recently contacted me to amend a few details in her story. She tells me the bakery employee was very polite in advising her of the photography ban, and while Dara did feel pressured to delete her photo, she was never actually ordered to. She also tells me the ex-employee who credits/blames CW for the photo ban doesn't know that for sure; it was just his/her personal theory. (Drat. Now I have to return that merit badge I just ordered for myself!)

Anyway, just wanted to include those corrections to be as accurate as possible!