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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Entries in Questionable Taste (129)

Friday
Oct252013

You Want Vagina Cakes? I'LL GIVE YOU VAGINA CAKES.

WARNING:

This post is so completely not-safe-for-work that I advise waiting til you get home, clearing the area of innocents, and then blinding yourself with Tabasco sauce before proceeding.

Did I mention this post is NSFW? And, like, super gross?

 

Yes?

 

Ok.

 

I notice you're still scrolling.

 

Last chance to turn back!

 

Fine.

 

Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

******

I'm not usually one to bow to peer pressure, peeps, but this past week it seems all anyone is talking about are vagina cakes. Suddenly reporters are clamoring at my inbox again, demanding to know my "favorite vagina cake" and the best resuscitation techniques for scandalized mothers-in-law. Major websites are plundering Pinterest and posting as many strawberry-filled, chocolate sprinkles sprinkled hoo-haws as they can find, with captions like "EMPOWERING OR ICKY? ONE TODDLER FINDS OUT."

I blame myself.

And Stephen Fry.

So I've held out as long as I can, really, I have. But the time has come. Yes, the people want what the people want, and I am here to give it to those people.

Plus, these other vagina cakes everyone's posting? Puh-LEASE. Those things are NOTHING - NOTHING - compared to what I'm faced with on a daily basis.

So today, you guys get to feel my pain. Today the gloves - and the censor bars - come off.

Presenting:

The Top 9 Completely Not-Safe-For-Work, Thoroughly Traumatizing, (Sort of) Anatomically Correct and Most Horrendously Graphic Vagina Cakes Of All Time... SO FAR.

You've seen the rest. Now see the most horrifying.

 

I'll ease you in with a couple of nice, safe examples:

HIYA.

 

If you turn your head to the side, this next one could almost be that Beetlejuice shrunken-head guy shrugging while wearing a turtleneck:

You totally see it, don't you.

 

Now, the overhead view:

(Well, technically it's the "underbum" view, but let's not split lips hairs.)

Oh, and you'll soon learn to appreciate the lack of strawberry jam.

 

(By Laura of Mamma Jamma Cakes)

See?

 

If you squint a little, you might be able to convince yourself this next one is just a demon baby enjoying a nice hot tub filled with bloody entrails:

Best not to dwell too long on the curly pig-tail thing, though.

 

Believe it or not, I'm pretty sure demon baby up there is the only homemade vagina cake on this list. Yep, professional bakers are downright PROUD of their crowning achievements, as evidenced by all the nicely photographed and watermarked variations popping up (and out):

Please, bakers. NO MORE HAND OUTS.

 

In fact, Jo Norton of Just JoJos was all too eager to tell me she was inspired by this very blog to make... [swallowing]...to make... [deep breath]... THIS:

That sound you just heard was me weep-gagging.

WEEP-GAGGING FOREVER.

Also: I KNEW IT. I KNEW bakers were getting inspiration from the wrecks I post. [fist pump] HA!

[sitting back down]

Granted, this is a somewhat hollow victory...

 

I've been hanging on to this next cake for literally YEARS, figuring if I ever wanted to shut down the blog in a blaze of phallus-filled, amniotic fluid soaked glory, this was my surefire ticket out:

BOOM, BABY.

 

And yet, that dong-a-riffic, anatomically impossible horror fest up there STILL isn't the worst.

The worst is just SO worse, my friends, that I'm going to give you one more chance to walk away. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF STAYPUFT, WALK... AWAY.

 

You're still scrolling.

 

[sigh] Ok. Sorry.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

(It's mostly made of marzipan. Does that help? No? Yeah, didn't think so.)

 

Rain down your curses and dry heaves upon Libbie A., Anony M., Brenna, Mary C., Mel M., Jo N., Allie C., and Heather B. for bringing us today's inspiration to skip lunch. And dinner. And all food for ever and all time.

Thursday
Aug222013

Graphic Jams

[NOTE: Today's final wreck is slightly NSFW, although I did my best with the censor bars. Honest.]

***

Last night I was talking with friends about how my job here at CW is a little harder these days - not because bakers are making less wrecks, but because they're making them so graphic now that I can't post the worst offenders anymore.

Used to be I'd get all giddy when some colossally disgusting monstrosity came in. Now, I look at the photo-realistic bloody entrails or crowning viscera of a C-section, sculpted in painstaking anatomical correctness, and I'm all, "Welp. CAN'T POST THAT."

It's disheartening, let me tell ya.

(And don't get me started on erotic cakes. That entire market is one big wreck-fest, but can I post the fountains of phalluses? NoooOOooo. Not that I'd really want to, of course. Seeing that much fondant pubic hair does things to a person. Bad things.)

I ask you, bakers, whatever happened to good old fashioned screaming baby dolls jammed on top of sheet cakes?

Isn't this traumatizing enough?

 

Or how about questioning the mother's identity while insinuating her "baby" is really just a good BM?

I bet "Maggy" and "Little Crapper" will cherish this memory always.


If you really want to startle your clients, bakers, why not just throw a maternity shirt - a real one - over an edible sonogram? I mean, have you SEEN how scary those things are?

Though I must admit, the urge to stick a bloody Alien head under that top would be pretty overwhelming. [evil grin]

 

Oooh, and hey, bakers, never underestimate the power of the fugly side:

 "FEEL THE POWER."

("Oh. I can feel it.")

 

Hang on, you're not even listening to me, are you, bakers? You're over there giggling madly while shaking chocolate sprinkles all over your pastry hoo-haws, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

I knew it.

Well, can you at least stop dismembering baby dolls and jamming their arms and heads inside? Please?

*sigh* Ok. Fine. But THIS MEANS WAR. 

 One with lots and lots of censor bars.

 

(In my defense: how would YOU censor that second cake? Just pretend it's a... um... peanut. With a baby head. And lady bits. [If you really want to see the uncensored version, click here.])

(Btw, that's the least graphic example of the hoo-haw trend I could find. And believe me, it IS a trend. I'm being inundated! Eek!)

 

Thanks to Debbie M., Magdalena E., Lisa, Melissa A., & Kellie W. for not asking why a baby shower needs a hoo-haw smash cake. Because, srsly, NO ONE HERE WANTS TO KNOW.