When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.
After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.
Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.
For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:
It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.
Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?
Is it STILL not enough frosting?
I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)
Enter the "Brownie Dipper."
It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.
COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!
COWER... AND WEEP!
Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!
Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.
I'm actually tearing up a little.
But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"
I'm glad you asked.
How about cinnamon buns?
...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?
Hang on a sec.
[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]
(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)
Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?
Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!
I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.
Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.
Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.
On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.
On the other...
DIBS ON THE TAIL.
Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.