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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Entries in Wrecky Replay (142)

Wednesday
Feb172016

Two Steps Forward And Three Wrecks Back

When I first took up arms against the dreaded cupcake cake [patooie!] so many years ago, I never dreamed I would have such an impact on our nation's baked goods. Why, with the help of you readers, I've managed to rip back the curtain of Big Frosting's corporate deception and ineptitude, and reveal the fuzzy, sugar-crusted, frosting-smeared private parts of inhuman indecency.

 

INHUMAN INDECENCY.

After years of our virtual spitting and no-holds-barred, blistering mockery, I'm happy to report that bakeries have finally begun changing their evil CCC ways.

Granted, it's to stuff that's way worse, but still. Let's focus on the positive here.

 

For example, this is NOT a cupcake cake:

It's a "baked mountain." Or BM, for short.

Now, is it even messier than a CCC - something they said could never be done?
Yes.

Is it repulsive enough to have been assembled by a drunken yak?

Yes.

Is it STILL not enough frosting?

HECK YEAH!

I MEAN, NO. I MEAN, YES, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FROSTING.
(THAT WAS A VERY HARD QUESTION TO ANSWER WITH A SIMPLE YES OR NO.)

 

Ahem.

Enter the "Brownie Dipper."

It's a quart of frosting with a dash of sprinkles and brownie bites mixed in.

COWER AND WEEP, YE INSOLENT MASSES!

COWER... AND WEEP!

Because a brownie without frosting is like stick butter that hasn't been deep fried.
And also: 'MURRICA!

 

Now, I don't know about you, but I often think back to my poor, deprived childhood, back when gingerbread cookies didn't come with a half-inch layer of buttercream and freakish plastic flotsam heads.

I'm actually tearing up a little.

 

But you're probably wondering, "Gee, Jen, what ELSE could bakers cram together and cover in enough frosting to make my pancreas self-implode from mere proximity?"

I'm glad you asked.

How about cinnamon buns?

...shaped like the Lombardi trophy?

Um...

Hang on a sec.

[googling "Lombardi Trophy"]

Ah.

BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!

(P.S. - I know nothing about sports, but even *I* can tell that thing is a puddle of Terminator.)

Still, those buns have a few frosting-free spots on them. Can't have that, now, can we?

Say hello to my new favorite pyramid scheme!

I'd also like to note that this Baked Mountain is really living up to its initials.

 

Still, you know what we really REALLY need? Donuts...in the shape of a dragon. With bacon. And more frosting. And more bacon. And a creepy skeleton wedding topper.

Yeah. That would be pretty epic, alright.

[whistling innocently]

On the one hand, I am deeply ashamed that this exists in our society today.

On the other...

DIBS ON THE TAIL.

 

Thanks to Kelly M., Bethany T., Jenn B., Kimberly, Karen F., and Tim & Angella D. for revealing my secret shame.

*****

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Wednesday
Feb102016

7 More Things That Should Never Be On Cake

And now, as a service to our readers' dieting endeavors:

7 MORE Things That Should Never Be On Cake

 

7. Anything that looks like a spleen

Also, why is the spleen the go-to organ for icky descriptions? You never hear someone say, "Hey, that organesque thing sure looks like a gallbladder!" Which begs the questions: is "organesque" a word? 'Cuz if not, it totally should be.

 

6. Shrimp

Because shrimp.

 

5. Nipples

Hey, don't get me wrong; nipples are great. Heck, I even have one myself. But cake should not have nipples. It just shouldn't. And the fact that I had to bring that sentence into the world makes me seriously question the direction this country is going.

 

4. Ants

Because anything I spend time and money trying to kill should not be something I have to pick off my cake.

 

3. Actual Feathers Plucked From Actual Birds

Let me get this straight: you jammed real feathers into the icing you expect me to eat?

So how about I fetch a beaver pelt and throw that sucker on there, too? Because if there's one thing we've learned about cake decorating, it's that animal outsides are both appetizing and completely sanitary!

 

2. Mold

BAKERS WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

 

1. Back hair

Actually, this is kind of hilarious.

Assuming those are chocolate shavings, of course.

***

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE CHOCOLATE SHAVINGS.

 

Thanks to wreckporters Kathryn B., Kerrigan W., Ashlee, Kelly G., Rocky J., Tami F., & Anony M. for the inspiration to just have a salad today.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.