Here comes the bri...AAAAUUGGHHH!!!

Brides these days. [shaking head] When the big day arrives, some of them can reeeally lose their heads, you know?

That's the wedding cake.

 

Uh, maybe I should give you a moment.

[whistling]

All better? Have all your co-workers/family members gathered around the screen in response to your shrieks? Good. 'Cuz I want to talk about the consultation that resulted in this cake. Do you suppose it went something like this?

Bride: I want my wedding cake to look like my dress.

Baker: Sure, no problem. You want it on a dress form?

Bride: [scoffing] Uh, no-oo! It has to be on a body. MY body.

Baker: Wait, you want a full cake statue of yourself? Like this? [shows photo of infamous bride cake]

Bride: Ew, no! Who'd want to eat my head or arms? That's gross.

Baker: [relieved] Oh, good, 'cuz for a second there...

Bride: So just leave my head and arms off.

 

Here's another view: The limbless bride surveying her domain.

As you can see, the bride (the headed one, I mean) thought it would be cute to put her veil on the neck stump after the ceremony. Which certainly adds...well, a veil to the neck stump.

 

But you know what my favorite part is? Go on, guess.

No, not that. Or that. Hah! Good point, but no. Look, I'll just tell you, shall I?

Ok, it's this: the shoulder stumpies look a lot like outstretched, plucked chicken wings to me. Here, look at the first photo again and tell me you don't see a plucked headless chicken in a dress trying to flap off to freedom:

Flap flap flap.

You see it, don't you?

And if not, rest assured Headless Plucked Chicken Bride will be seeing YOU - in your dreams.

Mwuh-ha-ha-haaa!

 

Sleep tight, Anony M.

*****

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Hush... Or Else

[whisper-singing]

Hush, little baby, don't boo-hoo
Mom's gonna buy you Winnie-the-Pooh

 

And if that Pooh bear just won't hug
Mama's gonna get you a smiley bug

 

If that bug should start to bite
Then Sully here will make it right:

 

But if that monster still won't do

Then oh no! Here comes Mickey the carnivorous sociopath again!

The End.

 

Today's post has been brought to you by the delightful bedtime storybook, Go the F**k to Sleep.
(Ok, not really, but it seemed appropriate.)

 

Thanks to Ashleigh S., Erika, Rebecca E., & Medusa for making sure the yolk's on Mickey. (Because I think those are eggs. Maybe. With... chocolate. I'm scared.)

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.