5 Resolutions Anyone Can Keep. BALLS.

How are those New Year's resolutions coming, minions? Did you already ditch the ol' "get up earlier, work out, and eat better" thing? SO WITH YOU.

Really, we should just pick easier goals... and then reward ourselves. With cake. For picking goals.
Because baby steps.

Here, I'll kick us off:

In 2024 I Resolve To:

- Be more compassionate.

But I'm still not giving this cake back.

- Volunteer for a worthy cause every month.

I promise at least John will be "awear".

- Spend more time with the ones I love.

Cider beer, if you please, John.

- Communicate exactly what *I* want from a relationship.

But better make it chocolate.

And finally, the no-brainer:

- Start ending every sentence with an exasperated "BALLS."

Like most of this blog, that one makes more sense after a few cider beers.

Thanks to Matthew S., Kristin E., Pate C., Alyson A., & Jackie for resolving those issues for us. BALLS.

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HEY LOOK MORE BALLS:

Narwhal Stress Relief Balls... Filled With Tiny Balls

Mess With The Cake, Get The Claws

They say Big Brother is watching, but really, who needs covert surveillance when we've got bakers writing down our every word?

Baker: "I'm sorry, could you speak up? I lost you after [consulting notes] 'knuckleheaded baker with the reading comprehension of a coked-up ferret.'"

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Jack wanted a volcano on his cake, because - and I cannot stress this enough - Jack is seven.

Somebody get this kid a Metamucil, stat.

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And finally, this last one is going to separate the women from the other women who know more pastry names than the first women.

Ready?

Mercer University's mascot is a bear, so Coleen asked her bakery to put a bear claw on her MU cake.

Which, technically, they did:

If you're like me and wondering what the heck that powdered sugar spine is, that's a pastry called a Bear Claw.

See? Now it makes sense!

Thanks to Rob M., Paige E., & Coleen B. for the dramatic paws.

And hey, if you have a thing for bear claws - which is a sentence I never envisioned myself typing back in college, but I'm sure my English professor would be proud of - I found some insanely popular telescoping bear claw back scratchers over on Amazon:

Why? I have no idea. But you get 5 for $9, so I'm guessing that has something to do with all the rave reviews. And really, as often as John requests a good back scratch, maybe I should grab him a set?