My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Blimey, Somebody Call 999!

Stewart C., a self-proclaimed "Wreckie-in-Training, UK Division" has informed me that today is the unofficial Emergency Services Day in the UK, on account of it being 9/9/09. (See, here in the U.S. we dial 911 for an emergency, but in the UK, it's 999.) Now, I know what you're thinking: does that mean there's an official Emergency Services Day? And if so, what day is that on? We may never know.

Regardless, I think that we should celebrate this occasion with our perfectly smashing neighbors across the pond, if only so I can liberally sprinkle what few bits of British slang I know gratuitously throughout. So, with a hi and a ho, and a cheerio, let's go!

Oi! See here, now: This poor sod's not only hit the sleeping policeman of the century, but he was apparently eaten by those dodgy spiders as well. 'Sa right shame, tha' is. The date's quite fitting, though, innit? Pip pip!

Cor! Did you know there's actually a cake kit for car accidents? Straight up. Check it out:

For today, I think I'll call this the "Bangers & Mash Cake." Just take a gander at the ickle bobby wagon! Bent as a bottle of a chips, is what that is. [nodding earnestly]

And here's how you add a bit of jiggery pokery to a car wreck cake:

Say, where IS the accident? This cake is all fur coat and no knickers, if you know what I'm saying. (What, you don't? Oh. Well, that makes two of us.)

And to really throw a spanner in the works, you could add a little fancy man jibber jabber:

Gaw, that's right cheeky, but it's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick, eh? Bob's your uncle!

Hey Hunter S., Tara T., Tim G., and Michelle B., if Bob's your uncle, then how's your father?

John's Helpful Index For Ruddy Yanks:
Oi!- Hey there!
Poor Sod- A pitiable fellow
Sleeping policeman- Speed bump
Dodgy- Risky, suspicious
'Sa right shame, tha' is- How unfortunate
Cor!- My goodness!
Straight up- True True
Ickle bobby wagon- Small police car
Bent as a bottle of a chips- Crooked
Jiggery pokery- Deception
All fur coat and no knickers- No substance beneath
Spanner- Wrench
Fancy man jibber jabber- Love talk
Gaw- Exclamation
Right Cheeky- Attractively impudent
Better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick- Not so bad
Bob's your uncle!- There you have it!
How's your father?- A nudge-nudge wink-wink bit of innuendo
Ruddy Yanks- Americans

Related Wreckage: Transformers Going Down In Flames

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Reader Comments (147)

I like the UK lingo, but, where did you find those phrases? I've never heard half of them, and I'm from the UK!
Love the cakes though, who wants a car-crash cake?!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatzilla

Bloody 'ell, overkill, mate!

WV: maligne: These festive birthday cakes has been maligned by tragedy.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

Heh. I understood your slang! I'm an American too - so at least the American idea of Brit slang is consistent, even if it's all wrong!

That said, those cakes look pants.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

For today, I think I'll call this the "Bangers & Mash Cake."

You have no idea how hard that made me laugh.

Seriously, XD

I always was a sucker for bad puns, but that one takes the cake. (Pun not intended, but fully endorsed.)

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercapri-chan

Arrrrrgh the faux British slang hurts my eyes and delicate English sensibilities! I know it's a joke but I can't help but twitch with rage that less than a quarter of those expressions are actually even used!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterh4yleyg

Oh, right bloody good, that!

What, per say is it with the motor-vehicle wrecks and birthdays? Just curious, I am.

~Amy B.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

@anon9:51--say it out loud with me: ate, ate, oh ate.

The guy got ate by the green spiders.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKeeley

Oh dear, were did those slang tips come from?
Most are unheard by me.Im a 49 year old english woman by the way.
Its a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.An expression that is said rarely unless your me,i use it all the time because my family are hopeless at asking for things.I say what would you like and they say Dunno. so I list options always ending with How about a poke in the eye etc and " or a kick up the backside?"
You might as well add Gor' blimey Gov' its a fair cop.Not.
Try Chav for begginers or Wenglish!
Not bad wreckage though! Talk tidy like man!!, mun.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdiddleymaz

I laughed at the slang as much as the cakes!!! Right smashing it were!! Though I'm grateful for the index - there were a few phrases I wasn't sure of!! *bg*

- born and brung up in the UK

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeesa Perrie

Laughing harder at your commentary today than I have since my first Dave Barry column eons ago.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Heh. Loved the faux-Brit commentary. Made me laugh.

On an unrelated note, my verification word today was 'fluffin'. Rofl.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDorian

hilarious. great post.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSandee

Was this post from 1860? Your British slang is almost Dickensian.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

also love the banner at the top of your site. rock on!!!


September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSandee

I was OMG shocked when I came to cakewrecks today. My hubby and I got into a bad motorcycle crash on Saturday. We wrecked our new white (police edition) harley. I came on here to take my mind off of it. lol! Anyways, the cake is a horrific reminder of my wreck, being airlifted to the hospital, surgery, and follow up of the months to come. yikes.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

lol that was quite impressive, i have to say. downright hilarious too :P i'm sure you deserve to be an honorary Brit for a day!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteraccidentally, kle

Blimey, it's the Ministry of Silly (Cake) Walks. Very wonky cakes, these. I'm shivering in my trainers. Put all of them in the bin.

WV: Mulfin. (I prefer blueberry.)

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I'm an American who spent the last nine years in England (North Yorkshire), and did I ever pick up some turns of phrase.

This one, though, is my fave:

"This lot couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery."

You can also use "pants" for a lot of things. If something's lame or useless or just plain annoying..."that's pants". If someone's bad at something..."You're pants at that, lovey."

"Shirty" means uppity. "No need to get shirty, sunshine...keep yer knickers on."

"Cream crackered" and "knackered" mean the same thing...tired.

Two nations separated by a common tongue. Oi!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSiressYorkie

This cakes are a riot! Such a clever idea and the cockney accent just sets off the post. Nicely done. I am doing a tribute to our service men and women on my blog. If anyone has recipes created by Firemen/Police Officers/ or EMTs I would love to post in an effort to honor them as we approach 9/11. Please let me know.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJMo

lived in the UK for 5 years. got most except the one about a bottle of chips. chips being french fries and all...

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlpieters

Lol . . . I can imagine how the Brits are feeling, since I have to deal with people's misconceptions about the Texas accent all the time. I used to have a HUGE crush on Dick Van Dyke, btw, so extra love for this entry because of that. :)

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNick

Easily one of the funniest Wreck posts I've read in a while.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKar

I really love your blog but this is the worst lot of British slang I have ever heard!

I'm British and the only people I hear talk like this are cockneys and builders! I blame Dick van Dyke! :)

And it's bent as a two bob note. Not, bent as a bottle of chips. That one puzzled me the most!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

All this post was missing was the town bicycle knocked up by the local fancy man standing up proud and cream crackered, know what I mean, wink, wink, say no more. say no more.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCeili

I'm gonna start using "Bob's your uncle!" in my everyday speak and see what happens.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAllBlueZoo

I love ya girl but that was painful.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDalek V

I feel sorry for the poor blokes who get these cakes!

I really like the second one though, nicely done! Which, we just took the boys on a field trip to the firestation today, so there are people who would like these themes !

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Lovables

Dalek V,

Really? Huh...


September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of JEN)

I'm British and have never heard of half the terms you use. Cor Blimey mate, Dick Van Dyke aint arf gort a lot to answer for.

Hospital workers here call motor bike riders 'organ-donors-on-wheels'.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

What? No smeg ups in the spelling?
And all these cake "wrecks" makes me remember the song "What a beautiful wreck you are" That could be a fitting slogan on one of those cakes. lol


September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGoof

I used to want to travel to Europe with a backpack and get all culture-y, but now I've changed my mind. I wouldn't have a clue as to what people were saying.

Thanks bunches :)

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJust Me,Pilgrim

Well, this almost helps me fulfill my lifelong dream of a Smokey and the Bandit cake.

I love the Brit Slang to Ruddy Yank translator :D

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterksaldria

Seems delicious for me! :o)

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMoralesVilanova

my first thought was that these cakes leave me gobsmacked!...but others have said this already.

can't wait to see you in Maryland!


September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterterri s

Sorry! I love your posts and I adore your blog so please don't think I'm flaming but I just had to look at the Wrecky pictures today because the 'British' slang set off my twitch.
That was all rather odd posh English/ outdated Cockney. Not a single person I've ever met talks like that. There was no Scouse, or Geordie, or Scot, or Welsh...
I found it a bit hard to stomach xD

But giddy-up, gee, golly-gosh wow, dude, yeehah! Those certain'y were some mighty fine wrecks today! Yankee-doodle doo!

A British, and also English, Wreck Fan x

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Hi Jen! Just wanted to say thanks for giving me laughter and smiles everyday. I'm over in 'Middle Earth' (New Zealand), so with the time delay and all, I open my computer to a new Wreckie post every morning, and everyday it is fantastic!

Also, I really hope that you have a great time on your book tour, and have fun meeting the hundreds of new friends you have face to face. :D

Fellow Geek and CCC avoider - Kate LamSam

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I have lived in England all my life and I've never heard anybody talk like that! The idea that every British person talks like either a cockney or Lord somebody-or-other is slightly annoying, and seems to be perpetuated by every American TV show going...
Other than that, the cakes were hilarious!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMorningStar

I can SEE where there might resonably be an accident in the third cake~~What ho! There are all of those giant white slugs slimping along in every direction, and no traffic lights whatever!
Then (in the last cake), there's your so-called RESCUE heli poking its blade straight through the window of the rescue bus; bloody ridiculous, what? Perhaps it's just a drill...

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Fantastic post!! It's luvverly to 'ear a bit 'o proper British on teh interwebs ;)

(Although I personally would say 'better than a poke in the eye with a pointy stick'.)

Oh yeah, the cakes...
Hmm, traffic accidents + cake = birthday fun??! Really?

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKatelin

As usually, absolutely hilarious, commentary and all!

And for the gripers: Let's just take the commentary as the American version of British slang and let it go at that, hmm?

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

To Jenny and Morningstar,

I would argue that the slang is perpetuated more by British folks than by Americans. Jen and I read books like Jeeves and Wooster and Harry Potter which are both sprinkled with bits of slang, old and new. And it should be noted that most of the slang used in today's post was taken directly from which I believe is a British site.

That said, Jen and I know full well that most of our fine British friends speak nothing like this. It's all in fun.

So y'all come back now, y'hear? And don't chu dilly dally neither.



September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

so am i the only one that thinks these cakes are taking the "cake wrecks" idea quite literally?

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLauren

where is my favorite "tiggityboo" ?

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Omg that actually made me cry with laughter. And we normal English folk don't use that slang (anymore that is)
It's mainly the cockney's (The people from London :P) who use alot of that slang :P
Thank you so much for making my day tons better!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShiny Volvo Owner

Oh I'm at HOME now! Thanks for including us brits - brilliant use of the lingo!

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

Today's also the day that The Beatles Rock Band is released. Does anybody have any Wrecks involving the Fab Four?

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTB Tabby

when my three boys were little, they would have LOVED those cakes. They used to run their matchbox cars over the cookie dough so that the gingerbread man looked like roadkill.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjoyce

My grandmother was from England, so I got (and loved) most of the slang you used. I have a bunch of fives for anyone who's complaining and doesn't realize it was all in good fun.

WV: oalex. What Elise Keaton said to her son all the time.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentereeyore19

I feel like you got a lot of your slang from watching Doctor Who...and I respect that.

September 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCeleste

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