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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

It's Hatching Men

Well, here's something you don't see every day:

[adjusting spectacles and consulting clipboard] Here we have two neanderthal males with questionable chest hair hatching from watery eggs. As you can see, the one on the right has acclimated to the process, while the one on the left is all "AAAAAUUUGGHH!!"

Which is a paraphrase, of course, since in Neanderthal it'd actually be more like "OokalockahoohooGROOOOOOONK!"

Now when I first saw that picture, I figured some lone baker somewhere had gone off the deep end. Which doesn't seem an unreasonable hypothesis when you look at that icing armpit hair.

Then I saw this next one:

So the neanderthal has evolved into a suave grey fox with well-groomed armpit hair and an outie belly button that will give mothers everywhere a coronary, but the question remains:

Why are bakeries making cakes of men hatching out of watery eggs?

Anyone know? Or will this turn into another lamb cakes smoking cigarettes mystery?


Thanks to Kathleen C. for the egg-cellent wreckporting.

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Reader Comments (134)

Such a mystery! I (joyfully and faithfully) read Cake Wrecks in a reader, and usually don't click over to read comments, but today I had to. And once again, I'm sorry I was eating my breakfast when I viewed the hairy hatching men.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteredj

The only rational (HA!) explanation I can come up with is maybe it's a celebration of "No-Shave November?" I thought the blue blobs were, perhaps, flowers. We girls have pink ribbons and flowers... why not give the boys a giant blue, blobby flower from which to burst like Botticelli's Venus? *shrugs*

Barring THAT, I think the baker is trying to market her new line of "Cabbage Patch Men." Somehow, I don't think they'll catch on as well as their predecessors....

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbabydoll

It's something with Orthodox churches, and this was fairly recent (erm 2 weekends ago?). Apparently some part of their teaching involves the men jumping in very very cold water. I'm not sure on why. They may have more logical reasoning to that, but I am not jumping in cold water. I may not be saved as such.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSad reality

Please,please, PLEASE promise you'll report the answer when you find it!!!!!!!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKimberj

How come I never see anything this weird in my neigborhood? I do, I assure you, keep a lookout when I am shopping but apparently all the bakers in my area are sane. I have never seen a cakewreck in the field. I have no frickin' idea on this one. Although I liked the idea of Panku.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

I refuse to speculate on the third one's 'accessory', except to note that on guys who plunge into icy water, nothing is an 'outie'. So I've heard. See 'Seinfeld' for more information.

Warning: This could turn out to be one of those cultural things about which people get incredibly sensitive and throttle anyone who speaks of said event in less than utterly respectful terms. Not like there really are any such events that are approaching us at the speed of time (cough-cough-Mardi Gras-cough), I'm just sayin'.

Second Warning: Those could be moth eggs. You can't see the wings because they haven't been stretched out yet.

Third warning: These guys may try to sell you insurance. No offense to insurance salesmen; it's a reference to an ad campaign. Really.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

@Sharyn I'm not familiar with any cave paintings depicting humans as anything other than stick-figure hunters or shamans. I'd love to see these "mother ocean" paintings. Do you happen to have a link you could share?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJim

Well I googled a little and found a Salvador Dali painting with a man hatching from an egg. So I will go with these bakers are Dali fans..

Or one could simply burst into I am the egg man I am the egg man you are the walrus coo coo kachu..

Or you can look up man egg in urban dictionary.. I'll leave THAT one all to itself..

I'm going with Dali.. it seems Artsy-er

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTiedyegal

Are you sure that curly thing is a belly button? I thought for sure it was a penis. Maybe I just need an anatomy lesson?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHelp Me Rhonda

Fellow commenters, I love you all! Sharyn, your brilliance is, well, brilliant. (You are much better with words than I am!) Gary, your limerick made me snort-laugh.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

I think the "belly button" is maybe supposed to be an umbilical cord. This must be a cultural thing... I hope someone will enlighten us!!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarrietastic

To the belly button you really think creators of cakes like these think about why a man hatching from an egg shouldn't have a belly button?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRena

I do think this is about baptism.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermus

Here's a link to images of "Pangu." I think we have our man.,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.,cf.osb&fp=cef98d2ff9e8f7f1&biw=1024&bih=558

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHellbound Alleee

I have no idea, but I can't wait to hear an explanation. The Chinese New Year theory sounds plausible.

@Gary, I loved your limerick!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnne-Marie

Want to know something really disturbing? I tried doing a Google Image search on this, where you use the image as your search data. Here's what came back:

"Best guess for this image: first period cake"

Golly, I hope not!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

I suspect these are meant to be birthday cakes. (Celebrating the day the now hairy man hatched...get it?) Yes, it's weird, but no weirder than any other possibility.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine Raymond

Who wants armpit hair in frosting? Either rendered or eaten.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBea

Just thinking about someone eating icing armpit hair has helped my diet.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

Okay your stuff is normally deliriously funny, however my son topped you on this one. He actuality upon seeing thees cakes that that was the cake he wanted for his Birthday. When I told him "I thought you wanted a strawberry shortcake" (the cake not the toy) he responded "No that's too boring!"
So Jen I give you the target audience for that cake newly hatched 4 year-olds :)

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

Men in hot water (trouble)?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKathi

my first thought was jesus coming out of an egg. you know, for an easter cake.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermarge

Cause you just never know when you're gonna be evicted from a giant egg.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I am gonna have to agree with (I think) Steph - supposedly those are "manly" raindrops in some horribly sick twist on the "It's Raining Men" song - which I will no longer be able to think of in a remotely appreciative way when finding a large group of attractive men congregated anywhere. The good news is I will likely no longer want cake now. And um, Mr Suave with the pronounced 'outtie'.... um, yeah. No.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichelleV

Maybe they are being eaten by prehistoric carnivorous blue plants, that would explain the screaming and the neanderthals. Now as to why the baker would memorialize this in pastry form is a question for another day.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMisty

Obviously, Mermen. Not so obvious: WHY'D they hack off their tails? Were they bad mermen? Or is this the work of the MMM serial killer??? (Menacing Merman Mutilator)

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGinny

My ideas...

1) Moses parting the sea (but I can't for the life of me figure out why he's naked)
2) Very adult Baptismal Cakes?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMindy

Could it be "raining men"?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChristina

My first thought was also Polar Bear Plunge! :-)

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina in Seattle

I like the raining men theory. I could see this as a joke cake girlfriends get for each other when someone is new to the dating pool (after a breakup, etc.) because the hairy, mustachioed naked guy with the outie/penis is just the kind of funny thing some drunk women will enjoy cutting up.

and it recycles the Easter egg cake pan.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterfootballfoe

I'm guessing this is how it went.

Lauren: Hey Jane, boss says we need to make some cakes for the football games this weekend.
Jane: Okay great! What were the teams again?
Lauren: Umm, the Giants, 49ers, Patriots, and some bird team. I can't remember the name.
Jane: Doesn't it start with an R?
Lauren: Yeah.
Jane: and have 5 letters?
Lauren: Yes!
Jane: oooh, ooh, I know, the Robins!
Lauren: That's it! And I have the best idea for a Robins cake!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJedi Knight Ivyan

I'm going with the Orkian theory, too. The first two guys are almost as hairy as Robin Williams.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

I'm imagining the fight over who 'gets' to eat the airpit hair piece. I mean, who wants a silly icing flower when you can have a bit of icing armpit toupee?

This suddenly brings a whole new dimension to Eddie Izzard's Cake or Death dilemma. I think I'd have to choose death.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTuatara

i think these guys are being born from cabbage, so just put it in with the storks

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterselena

My first thought about a possible explanation was that maybe they're some weird sort of Aquarius figures. After thinking "AAAIIIIIIEEEE! WHAT ARE THOSE!" of course.

On the other hand, I'm an Aquarius, and am reasonably sure that I don't quite compare to these... guys...

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLiessa

Maybe they are "Tulip Patch Men" in various stages of their development. The yarn-like hair, outie belly button, and if you look just at the eyes with the rest of the face and body blocked they rather remind me of Cabbage Patch Kid dolls.

Can the person who took the pic go back to the bakery & ask?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSM3

Looks like polar bear club to me, just not real creative on the water. Belly button my keister!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWildWestRed

The only thing that I learned by googling this is that you can check cake pans out of the Denver library. Now I have more questions.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnn

Moses parting the Red Sea?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

My first thought was that they are Easter cakes - Jesus coming out of an Easter egg. Granted, the "man" in the second photo isn't as Jesusish as those in the first photo but the idea is so ludicrous it gives me immense joy to think that a bakery is actually doing this. Therefore, it doesn't really matter to me now if we get the actual story: these are Jesus egg cakes to me!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

My best guess is Cabbage Patch Kids gone horribly, horribly wrong.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKOW

I was guessing the blue was a lotus. I'm wondering if there are any eastern religious eventslinked to this rash of naked men: There is an ashram not to far from me which uses blue lotuses. It seems to me they'd have to be sitting cross-legged to be set that deep in their blue "eggs."

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterYs

I asked my 7 year old what it looks like (thinking he may have some insight). He held his breath a few seconds, studying it and then turned to me and explained, "It's....ugly."

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

I'm going with Pan Ku. Is it for some Chinese holiday or something?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzzzzz78759

I think those are supposed to be grown-up versions of Cabbage Patch Kids.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Seriously, what are they supposed to be?

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commentertiny p elephant

I'm not really convinced that that's a belly button...

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarb

Jen, please post the answer tomorrow if you find out!

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterErica T.

I was thinking moses parting the red sea, perhaps? (dunno why I came up with that. I'm pagan.)

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterloligon

I’m with Jedi Knight Ivyan as I could totally see that happening!

@Tuatara Thank you- that’s a great version as, somehow, Lego men make it even funnier.

I'm going with Polar Bear plunge as it often seems to be portly, middle aged men with facial hair and wearing Speedos who get featured on the news. Icy cold water certainly explains the facial expression of first one (on the left).

My deepest, sincerest gratitude for noting that as an "outie." I was prepared to be very disturbed.

January 24, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

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