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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Feb112013

Mardi Gras Hide N' Seek

It's that time of year again, when the Naked Mohawk-Baby Carrot Jockeys abandon their icing carrots and instead go for a spin on giant, bead-covered donuts. Check it out: this one's even on a pool-float boogie board:

 

Somebody get this kid a tiny drink with an even tinier umbrella, STAT.

 

Originally these guys - who, did I mention? Are supposed to represent the baby Jesus - were hidden away *inside* the donut, so that one lucky party-goer would end up with a chipped tooth and the dubious honor of having to bring next year's donut, thereby ensuring the continuous cycle of petty revenge.

 

Somewhere beneath that sticky surface lurks a tiny choking hazard. WHO WILL FIND IT FIRST?

 

This also led to some truly spectacular warning labels:

And yet they still ate at least half of it. THE MONSTERS.

 

Now, however, thanks to a bunch of downer lawyer types and other spoil sports who can't digest plastic, bakers are forced to "hide" the babies in plain sight:

"SHHHH. Just be cool, man. BE COOL."

 

Is that...double-stick tape?

 

I won't tell him we can still see him if you won't.

 

Of course, since the whole tradition centered around the surprise of finding the plastic baby, I'm not sure what the point is of even including one now. Unless it's just to pose it in a bunch of funny ways, of course:

 

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" [slowly slides down glass]

 

Mondays. Am I right?

 

Happily, though, at least one bakery has proposed a new subsitute for the plastic baby, based on the following logic: The baby is meant to represent the baby Jesus, right? And we celebrate Jesus' resurrection on Easter, right? And what ELSE do we eat at Easter?

That's right, ladies and gentlemen: Preeeeeesenting! The Peeps King Cake!!

 

Mazeltov!!

 

Thanks to Pon T., Maya R., Kelley H., Valarie, Carrie T., Lauren, Kristy & Matthew P., Brandon H., & Heather M. for the sneak Peeps.

« It's Not Fat, It's Fluffy | Main | Sunday Sweets: Be My Valentine »

Reader Comments (83)

There seem to be a great many EPCOT inducing comments on the Facebook page. Is there a separate Facebook bunker, or must we share?

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAnonynon

Well, The Bunker spa and resort has been fetchingly redecorated in random splashes of purple, yellow and green for the occasion, along with a LOT of beads. That's the nice part of having a very literal-minded computer controlling the Infinite Improbability generator; all one has to do is say, "make it look like a King cake," and the rest just sort of happens.

I didn't mean to ignore the fine tradition of commenting on other comments at this time of year, so here goes:

@Joan, I too am a Scot, by ancestry. Are you saying that we always tell the truth, or that Scots have some sort of pro-sugar bias. That might be true, din' ye ken ('don't you know', for non-Scots).

@meshybee, how can you say that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are "not very good"? Do you mean 'not very good' as in "they're really totally awesome" or that you have knowledge of a standard of comparison that puts them in the metaphorical shade. If the latter, you need to share details with the Cake Wrecks family so that we too, may partake. Now, there are limits to what I would do to obtain superior doughnuts. I wouldn't, for instance, do anything against current law. I think. No doughnuts could be that good, right? Right?

There does seem to be some sort of confectionery event horizon at work in the first two, @Andrea. If 'confectionery' is the right word to use with cakes. Or even if it isn't. [subversive snicker]

@smart aleck, anything with *BACON* in it is fine by me. Put bacon on a pregnant torso cake, I'm good with it. Well, maybe I wouldn't go quite that far. But you get the overall idea.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

It isn't a donut. They are made from brioche filled with a cinnamon filling (think cinnamon roll filling) rolled up connected in a tube shaped and baked. Please don't call it something it isn't at all. If you ever had a really good one ( Randazzo's ) you would understand. Please do a little research if you don't know what something really is.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJ

No teacups within.
Does not contain gyroscope.
Stamps sold separately.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Mal

Every year I think- well, it's King Cake time and we'll never see the glory of our youth again (200+ comments). Trust you lot to raise the stakes with nearly all of the 51 visible comments making me laugh and gasp for air. (sniff) I freakin' love you guys, man!!

SuBee, Sharyn, Haiku Mal, BADkarma- ladies, we are sisters of the soul.

Stoich91 Congratulations! I am Barbara Anne and I will be your stalker for today. I absolutely ADORE your post. :D

Andrea Take it from me- you are NOT 100% "well" for any definition of that word! LOL "CAKE DOES NOT CONTAIN HUMAN TEETH" made me wonder- then what kind of teeth ARE they? And, then I thought "Langoliers." Guess I'm not 100% well, either. (Spelchek would like to change "Langoliers" to "Gondoliers" but I'm holding firm.)

Lizzie! OMG I howled like a hyena: "(its name rhymes with Publix)"

AAAANNNNDDD, then Craig invoked the SL. (evil smile) Theardare wept.

P.S. a decent, simple King Cake is actually tasty. The sugar's mostly on the outside and so you can scrape it off if you want less. Best with a glass of cold milk or hot tea (not something "almost, but not quite entirely, unlike tea"). Also, Krispy Kremes kick hiney. I have spoken.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

King Cakes aren't donuts. LOL LOL J/K LOL :)

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Okay, I had to go to Wikipedia to look up what the heck these cakes are supposed to be about. Funny enough, the picture on the page was also a wreck not unlike these. Jen, you have got to find one that qualifies as a sweet and let Wikipedia post it so wreckerators can at least have a yardstick!!

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

O.M.G. I'm dying over here!! all the serious "significance" conversations on the FB page are KILLING ME. bwahahahahahaha

Freakin' awesome. People still get their panties in a bunch when a humor blog makes a joke. (and here I worry every year that we'll never truly have fun with the King Cake fiasco again!!)

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

You know, Jen, if you do another one of these posts next year there might not be need for anyone to go to the bunker. You know, if everyone pays attention to everyone else's comments.....
Personally, I'm a fan of the purple metallic baby Jesuseses. They should stick with that.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

King cakes are not doughnuts. They are baked sweet roll dough in a large wreath shape. My family is from the Mountain West, so when a relative of my husband's sent us a King cake my nieces all hoped they'd cut the baby in half. I've got a funny family.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterelsie

I think you're being haunted by the ghosts of King Cake Epcots Past . . . Mazel tov.

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Mal

Oh Jen! What lovely memories of Mardis Gras you bring up from my time in Baton Rouge. We used to put the baby in the cake after it was delivered. If you ended up inhaling a 2" plastic figure, you probably already had serious coordination issues. I do like the Peeps, idea - maybe we can persuade them to make a baby Jesus Peep (***dodging lightning***)

February 11, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLokismom

Ahh how I love this time of year. I always wonder who gets the baby when they eat these things. And who wants to eat these they look pretty darn scary to me lol. Especially that dark purple baby..what the heck happened to the poor thing??

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

A few weeks ago my preschool son and I made slime. We mixed a bunch of junk-"food" crud like corn syrup with children's craft supplies like glue with some colorful glitter-glue. It came out as this grayish colloidal sludge with glitter ingrained in it that we plopped in an old margarine tub. It could be blobbed into lumps for a few minutes before it oozed into a sparkly, hideous gray pancake.

These King's Cakes reminded me not-so-subtley of that slime, seeing as they all look like glittery, gray, slightly molded blobs. Only our concoction didn't have plastic babies or cheap necklaces stuck in it.

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGianna

And we have a winner - well done J! (The rest of you will know what I am talking about ;0))

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

@Craig: your spellcheck is flagging it because it's spelled "omelette", not "omlette". Whoever those Visigoths were, they liked breakfast. (Sorry--champion speller. Misspelled words jump out at me.)

And I agree with you that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are good--but doughnuts from Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland are better. I have eaten them both and know. And some of Voodoo's have bacon on them.

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Well, I may have to go to DOC boot camp -- a crepe-like dish made from eggs is an ome<let(te). No Visigoths.

That moment when your brain gives you the silent treatment. Oy!

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

Craig, you may have Scots ancestry but you clearly haven't been there recently. Scots LOVE sugar. We have the unhealthiest diet in Europe. 10 years ago a fish-and-chip shop started selling deep-fried Mars bars, as a joke, and it was so popular most of them do it now.

I can see the advantage of letting the host add the baby to the King Cake - s/he can ensure the right person gets choked.

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMorag

Baby want sprinkles?
In cruel twist of fate, we see
sprinkles get baby!

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Mal

CarolineB: and a consolation prize for elsie. :)

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered Commentercakeburnette

@smart aleck - I Googled it. Everything on that website looks awesome. Except the King Cake. I really wanted it to look good, but it's just not doing it for me.

@craig and @morag - I just want to make it very, very clear that I have never eaten deep-fried Mars Bar. I totally believe it exists, though. I wouldn't put it past us.

Oh, and hey: KING CAKES AREN'T DONUTS (or even doughnuts). Who knew??

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

Oh man, I'm so sad I missed this yesterday. :-( I've been waiting for this post and then I have to make a trip to Children's Hospital and miss it?!?! So not fair!
@SuBee~ Tears of laughter and a possible cracked rib from trying to hold it in. o.O

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

@SaraCVT, I went back the next day and read what I had written, spotting immediately the missing 'e'. Alas, the futility of post-posting proofreading. I remember a previous post about Voodoo Doughnuts. I believe BACON was mentioned. I requested at the time that Voodoo become a national franchise without delay -- why hasn't this happened? They could at least open a conveniently-located satellite operation in SoCal...

@Morag, point taken. Deep-fried Mars bar? OM NOM NOM. I wonder what deep-fried King's cake would taste like. Bwahahahaha.

'Haiku Mal', is this change permanent?

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

Haiku Mal, er...Joy, er...Have you gone to the dark side, perchance?!

Just wondering...

On the other hand, you have been extremely fruitful in the haiku department today...Think the last one is one of your best! :-)

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKarateLady

Is it just me, or does that first King Cake look obscenely like an ACTUAL birth scene (minus the blood) (with miniature baby)...

Maybe it's just me.

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Caroline B, you didn't read the first page carefully enough!

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKarin

And that's what happens when you change your name once for a joke and then never look at auto-fill-in again. No, not permanent, and not even intentional.

February 12, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Oh poop! Sorry Karin, was trying to steer myself away from being educated (again!) against my will and skimming, but that one slipped through my defenses!

February 13, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

Umm, that first King Cake did not have a baby on a "pool-float boogie board." That is a traditional king's crown. The king cake babies are all mounted on them now, and have been for a few years to minimize the choking hazard. I live in New Orleans, and have lived in southeastern Louisiana for 25 years. I'm also the niece of a pastry chef, so i'm not just making this up, in case you wondered. Rouses, Nonna Randazzo's, Zoe's, Ambrosia, Gambino's, and now even Wal-mart uses those stock babies standard. Maybe research a little before making fun of something that's perfectly acceptable. Just sayin...

February 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJess

It's not even double stick, it's just scotch tape.

February 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRita

Good god why is that baby purple??!!???!?
If king cakes look like a deep fried doughnut that someone threw up on, what the heck do you ingest to create a purple baby?
Or is it some sort of warning-- WARNING babytrinketjesuses if ingested may make you turn purple. Ingest at your own risk.

I can't help feeling that if I insert the naked mooning baby into the cake with my finger that I'm going to be arrested for inappropriate conduct.

February 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPuppygirl

1. Great post of horrible and lame king cakes.
2. If you have to insert the baby yourself, the bakery is doing it wrong, go somewhere else. Ugh.
3. Baton Rouge king cake with chocolate chips?! That belongs on a Cake Wrecks ultimately bad king cake post. (It's a king cake not a stuffed muffin or chocolate chip cookie.)
4. If you are eating a king cake before Jan. 6, and after Mardi Gras, you are doing it wrong.
5. Nonna Randazzo and the rest of that family ruined what their father had built up as a decent king cake albeit non-traditional king cake. Just because you have the recipe doesn't mean you can make it the correct way. For heaven's sake I've gotten them where they were half raw.
6. Call me old school, call me lame, but Mckenzie's had the nicest most basic king cake, all that frosting and stuffing with cream cheese and chocolate chips, (heaven help us), mess is just wrong.

February 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterYat

Not only are there no actual babies in the cake, there are no actual kings either, and no glass for them to slide down. I myself love researching something I'm going to make fun of, especially purple metallic miniature Christ figures made of marshmallows, bottoms up. I, a niece, live in America, and have lived in America many times, this most recent stint for 4 whole years now. Let me tell you, I know a doughnut when I see one. They're made of brioche, are deep-fried, and can be found on Wikipedia but not Sunday Sweets. And they are delicious if you can get a really good one, just like anything you can get a really good one of, like chickens.

March 5, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

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