The 12 Wrecks Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A choking hazard in a treeeee.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Two buttered bells,
And a choking hazard in a tree.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Three whipped ghosts,
(And by "whipped," I mean they do what their wives tell them)
Two buttered bells,
And a study on the Heimlich for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a bunch of crap in a gross tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

♪ Fiiiiiiiive molded 'shrooms! ♪
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a lot of flotsam in a gross tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Six pounds of icing,
♪ Fiiiiive fungusesssses! ♪
Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And seriously, did you see all the stuff in that tree?

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪ Fiiiiive Penicillin-bearing spores!! ♪ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a plastic coated nasty icing tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eight runny egg yolks,
(WHY?!?)
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪♫ Fiiiiive molded hallucinogenics!! ♪ ♫ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And is anyone even still reading this?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Nine kiwis riding... reindeer? Swans? Thestrals?

Eight I-think-he-hates-me,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♬ ♫ Fiiiiive really fun guys!!! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a beer.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eleven candy canes that kinda look like Slimey the Worm,

See?

Ten piles of nothing (You FORGOT?!),

Nine kiwis riding,

Eight runny egg yolks,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiive agaricus bisporus! ♪ ♫♩♩♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a reason to have the ER on speed dial.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Thirteen TWELVE fake flowers,
Eleven Slimey Canes,
Ten lots a' nothing,

Nine kiwis riding,
Eight counts of salmonella,
Seven snowmen melting,

Six pounds of icing,

♫♭♫ ♬ ♪♫♭♫♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiiive SUPER fun guys!!! ♪ ♫♭♩♫♩♫ ♬ ♬ ♭♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a boiled potato topped with dill weeeeeeeed!

Thanks to Michelle, Amanda C., Kyle C., Cheyanne, Joel S., Georgia T., Erin T., Monica K., NWM, Monica B., Jana S., & Jon D., who totally got the Veggie Tales reference.

*****

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THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

Just one week left 'til Christmas (!!), and the wrecks you guys are sending in just keep getting more bizarre by the day:

 

Snowman? Santa? Disco sheep? Marshmallow-covered Walter Peck? 

THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.

 

 "...and all the acid rain and pollution seeped into Frosty's body, turning him into a petrified statue of ash, all because someone didn't take out the recycling when his parents asked.  

"THE END."

 

Is this:

A) The Eye of Sauron 

B) A taco wearing a corset 

C) The Eye of Sauron wearing a corset

or 

D) Real life?

You might think the simplest, easiest option would be an elegant red bow on a plain white cake.

 

But, CLEARLY, you would be wrong.

 (What did the baker use for a piping tip? His teeth?)

This next one is tentacly titled "I'm dreaming of a Cthulhu Christmas."

Darkly dreaming, of course.

Wondering what those are supposed to be? So was I, until Sarah sent in this photo from a different store:

Now I'm REALLY curious.

 (Yes, yes, I know it's supposed to be a tree. I just refuse to accept it.)

And finally, a little holiday math for you:

 

 

+

=

 

Angels we have heard below

Softly singing "oh-hh noooOooo!"

Thanks to wreckporters Elizabeth T., Tina, Gene H., Jill W., Billy G., Sarah L., & Amy V.

*****

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 Visiting Amazon through those links will help support the site, and costs you nothing. Thanks, guys!

And from my other blog, Epbot: