NOBODY SAY "SPERM"

Sometimes bakers like to stretch themselves by making unusual object cakes. You know, stuff you don't usually see made into cake. Everyday things. Mundane things.

Stupid things.

Like this tiny broom.

And bikini bottoms:

JUST the bikini bottoms.

(Part of me wants to believe this is a Spongebob cake gone wrong.)

And this... tree?

Because when I think "festive party food," my first thought is, "I dunno, maybe a tree?"

Some conjoined pencils:

It's like those snap-and-share Popsicles, only ugly and harder to eat.

When I turn 44 I hope someone gets me a confusing baby shower cake:

Complete with lil' poo pile.

(It's a key. How do I know? YEARS OF EXPERIENCE.)
(Also Julie told me.)

And finally, there's this tall drink of water:

Which would be really boring if it weren't for the... captured tadpole.
(Yes, we're calling it a tadpole.)

Ahem.

Sooo, yeah. Way to stretch yourselves, bakers!

NOW STOP IT.

Thanks to Megan J., Heather F., K.B., Kathy B., Julie, & Leslie, who claims that "tadpole" rings a bell. [head tilt] Nope, I don't see it.

*****

P.S. In case this post wasn't painful enough:

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes

There are a lot of "dad joke" books out there, but this one has awesome ratings AND the word "spiffing" on the cover, so it's a clear winner.
*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Balls

Attn parents: Sports-related double entendres ahead! Proceed with caution!

The other morning (and by "morning" I mean "afternoon") John woke up with a pain in half his tiddlywinks. (And by "tiddlywinks" I mean..."tiddlywinks.") He's fine now, so not to worry; those are all the gory details you're going to get.

Well, unless you count the fact that today's post is all about wrecked balls. Call it a subconscious thing. Or my way of getting way too much mileage out of some good-natured ribbing.

So...

Balls.

They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. But no matter what, balls have at least one thing in common: they're generally supposed to be more round than lumpy:

Now that's just nutty.

One exception, of course, is the football, which is shaped more like a loaf of bread with harp strings:

I guess some balls are just more likely to touchdown than others.

I'm told this is either a soccer ball or a steamrolled panda:

Ain't that a kick to the head?

And don't get me STARTED on this "basketball:"

Slam dunk? More like a Slam FLUNK. 

[rimshot!]

Sometimes it helps to put your balls with other related pieces of equipment. That way people will know how to handle them.

All that's missing is third base. 

And of course no discussion of balls is complete without...um...hang on. Is this what I think it is?

It is!

Bakers, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

That flaming basketball is totally not to scale!

(So tell me, players: Do you experience a burning sensation when you dribble?)

Thanks to Natalie B., Dolores T., Rachel J., Erica B.,  Heather F.,  & Lauren P.,  who will no doubt agree that if John's going to sit and play Xbox for 27 hours straight, he should probably get some looser boxers.

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Relevant Amazon link is relevant:

Do You Want To Play With My Balls?

This is apparently a "children's book parody for adults," but claims you can read it to the kiddos, too, provided you can keep a straight fact. Ha!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: