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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Mmmm, Chest Hair.

Janet T. provided the best portrayal I've ever seen of Tom Selleck in icing. (Well, ok, technically it's also the only portrayal of Tom Selleck in icing I've seen.) But that chest hair -- egads! Looks like Emma will be having a very "Hairy" birthday indeed. [shudder]

(UPDATE: This Wreck has been claimed! Thanks to baker Alicia for being such a good sport.)

If you prefer to be shot through the heart, though, you could request the "V-neck special" slice from this Bon Jovi cake:

Don't get me wrong; those frosted highlights are totally rad, dude, but, like, where's his nose? And those stars of David - Oy vay! Get me some bad medicine, stat; this cake is giving more than love a bad name*.

Hmm. You know, I'm thinking this post just isn't Wrecky enough. [Virtually rifling through submissions] AHA!! Here we go:

The best part? It's called a "Macho Man Cake". [Cue the Village People] That's right: it's not an 8-year old boy; it's a MACHO man. Who waxes. And, er, drools black stuff. And likes to lay in a bed of mustard. And has some serious groin grooming issues. And - oh, you get the idea.

*Mini Wrecks contest: whoever works the most Bon Jovi song titles into their comment wins! Not an actual prize or anything, you know; just fame and glory. ;)

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Reader Comments (154)

I have to say I think the Tom Selleck cake is, in fact, fabulous. I would love to get that for my birthday. I'll even forgive the pink flowers!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChaucer's Bitch

I have a deep need to understand only why Jon Bon Jovi is wearing a denim mini skirt. The rest makes perfect sense!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrandi

Get ready for this...These cakes are wild in the streets. I am sure that these cakes are just misunderstood. Maybe someday the fear of those chest hairs will vanish. Just jump aboard the mystery train, its open all night for anyone who wants a slice of that love for sale macho man cake. Just remember to keep the faith, because everyday there will be more cake wrecks just waiting to be discovered. We will Always come back to read about the real life cake wrecks.

Have a nice day

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

the selleck cake is actually really well executed!

sorry... not a bon jovi fan. couldn't come up w/ anything pithy. :(

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That Selleck is pretty rad.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKeith

I totally call the piece with the Tom Selleck chest hair. Mmmm chest hair.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

"You really got me now" - Jen -- I tried to "runaway" from this blog, but I can "never say goodbye" -- "I believe(d)" I could, but "it's (too) hard, letting you go" and I thought that "with a little help from my friends" I "imagine(d)" I would "have a nice day" without cake wrecks, but (sigh), "everybody's broken" and "you know how to make a memory" -- and even though it's "complicated" I'll "keep the faith" and "stay" since "no one does it like you" -- I guess that means I can "never say goodbye"

"I thank you" - "Keep the faith" ;)

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

lest he lay in a 'bed of roses', because he was 'shot through the heart' (first album people, yes, it IS a song title), this cake is a 'runaway' winner. i'd be remiss not to mention gina, who was 'living on a prayer' when this cake arrived, it was if she was 'in and out of love' with her man who said, "baby, 'i'd die for you', and that's why i'll 'never say goodbye'".
'lay your hands on me'.. err, this cake, and i bet you'll 'keep the faith'.
now... 'have a nice life'.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermere9

OH I just about pee myself every time I read this blog! I could just die about the 8 year old boy-ish cake! Major issues there!

Ok so I know I'm a nobody but I'm giving you this little "I love your blog" award, so feel free to post it! From a nobody who happens to LOVE your blog! (just copy the award and put it on your blog!)

Thanks for making me laugh.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJana

i know what im ordering my friend for his next birthday. a tom selleck cake is just what he needs.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Kolleen

This is hilarious! We LOVE your blog! We check it daily! Thanks for keeping us laughing :)

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle and Andrea

Oh, my goodness. Poor Bon Jovi would be upset to know he's been in a cake mashup with the characters from South Park.

Say It Isn't So, but I may have a Cold Heart Heart, or maybe it's that I've had a taste of Bad Medicine downed with Bitter Wine(I needed Something for the Pain), but seeing this cake made me lose a Little Bit of Soul.

We all need Something to Believe In, but this cake ain't The Answer. Bon Jovi's miproportioned body parts are Ugly. I'm talking real Guano City. It might be extreme, but I think the decorator should be listed as Wanted Dead or Alive, If That's What it Takes.

I know that was harsh, but Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commentersuperbadgirl

Bon Jovi also appears to have a dislocated shoulder. He looks rather South Park-y around the arm region. He looks like Ms. Garrison, actually. Ponderous.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCinder

I've been a cake wreck reader for some time but I was waiting for just the right moment to comment...Bon Jovi seems to be it! Here it goes....

Its my cake....its now or never.....machoman's going live forever....I just want to make hairy cakes while Im alive....
Its my cake!
My cake is like a work of art...
Like Jennie said I did it MY way, I just want to make hairy cakes while I'm alive...
It's my Cake!

Macho Man cake you Better stand tall when they're calling you out.
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down....

It's my cake!.....

For another Bon semi song:" REL="nofollow">Live, Love & Let Loose: Mondays are such a drag......

BTW, I actually love the Tom cake and like some other readers mentioned I think my mom would L-O-V-E a cake that resembles him so well...too bad its missing the bottom half...opps, might've gone to far on that one.

To the maker of the Macho man cake: You give cakes a bad name! LOL

To all: "Have a nice day! ;)"
-xo Gina

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGina

ya i can make cakes way better than all these ones

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I just have to say that I absolutely heart your blog. I could understand the Tom Selleck cake if this were, say, 1986, at the height of the Magnum, PI era. But I don't understand it now, in 2008. Unless, of course, Emma is about 60 and still pining for her lost youth with Magnum and his short shorts.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

it looks like the macho man is under the weather--doesn't he look a little clammy and pale to you?

is that REALLY a professional cake? seriously?

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterevil cake lady

The Macho Man must be really nervous or self-conscious to be sweating so profusely. I mean look at the surface of that cake. It is absolutely glistening with perspiration.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAaron

Is it bad that my sister Emma has a birthday coming up and all I can think is that I wonder if anyone in Tucson can recreate that Tom Selleck cake? It is? Oh, okay....

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Oh, you really got me now!
Dyin' ain't much of a livin', so I better runaway before I die of some damned social disease - I need some bitter wine to flush that post down, or otherwise something to believe in to prevent me from paying blood money to manage a breakout - get ready, by the time I'm done I'll be wanted dead or alive!

But still I believe I may have a Crush on the 'Macho Man'. It's all about lovin', you must understand. I wouldn't want to be misunderstood! Please don't think I am complicated now. I wouldn't want to give love a bad name, so raise your hands if this is too much.

Some day I'll be a wildflower, but not next saturday night, because then I'll always, everyday, be asleep these days.

Please, though, for the hairy chest-man? Say it isn't so, and if it is, at least give me something for the pain, mmkay? Just make sure it isn't some kind of bad medicine. I'll just have to keep the faith in you.

Get ready 'cause I will come back! Reading CakeWrecks is like playing Roulette during a silent night - once you're in it, you never say goodbye!

Have a nice day and thank you for loving me - maybe. At least a little bit =)I'll be there for you tomorrow to laugh at more of your priceless commentary!

---Avocado Love

(That's 36 to save you the counting :P)

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAvoluv

I tried to read all the comments to see if anyone else noticed that the Macho Cake is in fact a blow up doll! Yikes!

I can't hold in my laughter most days. Thank you so much for adding to my lame days!

I'm not even going to attempt to add any songs! I'm just not that creative!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterScrapperMom

Jesus Harold Christ, Jen! This is, by far, one of the best-worst entries ever! Oh, God, I think I'm crying tears of joy...

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJorge Patiño

Whoever created the cake should bounce. I get it- you're saying, "It's my life", however there is no excuse for bad medicine, or in this case, bad cake. Always give people noses, otherwise they can't possibly have a nice day. Furthermore, any cake should not make someone want to runaway or feel like they were shot through the heart. Get ready because that cake is most definitely something of a social disease. Raise your hands if you feel that whoever commissioned that cake is livin' on a prayer, hoping to make everyone wild in the streets. Never say goodbye to good sense, keep the faith that I'll be there for you regardless of inappropriate chest hair. Finally, you have to wonder who this cake was made for- are they in and out of love with Bon Jovi? Because that cake is just living in sin.

(Total: 16)

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Is it just me, or does the tag next to the last cake say "Catering by Design?" Um, WHO'S design would be? Someone who's never seen an adult male it seems. Or perhaps is just a man-hater to give him such and odd STD and fat lip!
Sorry, no Bon Jovi lyrics here, but I thought that cake was some professional wrestler at first!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTrevor

That Bon Jovi cake is wrong on so many levels. First off, check out that booty! Secondly, what's with the forearm being longer than the upper arm? Is Bon Jovi actually a little person? And, where is his other arm?

I may come back and comment on the macho man cake after I've uncurled from my fetal position and stopped sucking my thumb. Scary...

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWalking With Scissors

Okay, Tom Selleck looks like he has WORMS crawling all over his chest. Disgusting!!!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChristy

How sad that the maker of the 'macho man' cake put their card next to it!! Ickk!!! He is DISGUSTING!!!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Engelhardt 4

Tom cracks me up because there he is, in all of his hairy manly glory, surrounded by pink flowers.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

I can't work the song lyrics, but does this cake make JBJ's ass look big? I mean, messing up that booty is a travisty!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKelli

Ok, so I'm a big fan of this blog, and an avid reader.

And I've been waiting for my cake to pop up on here for over two months now. Today is my lucky day!

I am the infamous Tom Selleck cake decorator!

I'm cracking up about being included on Cake Wrecks, especially with such primo company. Wow, that last one takes my breath away... I'm speechless.

And just so everyone knows:
- No, I am not a professional cake decorator.
- The Tom Selleck cake was an intentionally bizarre cake made for my friend's birthday. She loved it.
- No, Emma is not over 60.
- And despite hair + icing being a gross out factor for many, the chest hair pieces were being claimed before the cake was even cut, and were the first to go, followed by the mustache pieces!

I wrote an email to Jen with some more info and history on the Tom Selleck cake in case you're interested.

Meanwhile, I am simultaneously honored, thrilled, and disgusted to be included on Cake Wrecks. Thank you, one and all!

And who knows, you might see me here again...

...If you only knew how many people have been emailing me with requests for David Hasselhoff cakes! What's more, I'm actually considering doing it.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteralicia policia

There's just no visual on earth that can compare to a Tom Selleck cake with brown icing (right?) chest hair. Especially first thing in the morning. Mmmm indeed.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlix

The Pedophile comment makes me laugh. I seriously thought that too!!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMeichelle

I'm a personal friend of the person who made this cake, and she's not a professional. She's just awesome. She made the cake for a friend's birthday and was not paid for it.
Here's her blog entry about it:

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermerbear

When the cake gets in my way, I say, "Have a nice day."

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterwavecloud


September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNina Revenant

Who made the Jovi cake? I think "She`s a Little Runaway" probably "Living on a Prayer" since her cake making skills leave something to be desired. If you eat chest hair you will need some "Bad Medicine". You can still"Have a Nice Day" tho.

I have to admit I think Bon Jovi is Hot. He could make me fall "In and Out of Love". I would keep him for "Always". In my house he is "Wanted Dead or Alive" (hey that is my ringtone) I would"Never Say Goodbye"

Now back to the Bon Jovi Cake. If I want a Bon Jovi Cake I will have one... hey "It`s My Life" so "Hush" because " I Want to Be Loved" by "The Last Man Standing"

If you want to come over and help me eat cake "I`ll Be There For You" and I will remind you that "You Can`t Lose at Love" even if you take "My Last Cigarette"

I bet the person that made that cake is "Wild as The Wind" it could be worse, she could have some "Love For Sale" ( ick "Say it Aint So") Maybe she holds up a big sign that says "Lay Your Hands On Me" or maybe she is just "Living in Sin" ohhhhh I hope she does not have a "Social Disease"

Remember to use caution if you take the cake outside it is "99 In The Shade"

Hey cake lady can make a baby shower cake that says " You were Born to be my Baby" or maybe she is "On a Homebound Train" after all "Who says You Can`t Go Home" The hair cake may be gross but I still say "Stick To Your Guns"

The cake WAS a good idea ( gone bad) Jon makes a girl want to say "Ride Cowboy Ride" and he can still "Let it Rock" and make you "Raise Your Hands".

Hey without a good ol fashioned school girl crush we would all just be "Wild in the Streets" "Without Love" like a "Wildflower"

We live in a country represented by "Bells of Freedom" so she can make any darn cake she wants.

I bet that cake was "Complicated". If you eat too much of the chest hair you may need "Novocaine" unless your teeth are "Unbreakable"

I could go on and on. I could try to work in songs like "Dirty Little Secrets" or Welcome to Wherever You Are" but that would be obnoxious... so I will quit.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterfuzzandfuzzlet

LOL naming all of those songs put me in the mood for some Bon Jovi. Since he is not around I had to settle for listening to his Crossroads CD.

"Keep The Faith"


September 4, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterfuzzandfuzzlet

Oh my gosh those are too funny, I can not belive the things some people make and then eat, blech!!! I do have to say though someone did capture Tom Sellecks looks pretty well although seriously chest hair on a cake, blech!!! Again, LOL

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Ellen

OK, that is just frightening!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTerri

that last cake is just 'eeewwww' on so many levels!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

It's nice post.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSukkim Lama

I apologize for this ahead of time...You'll be alright once this is over - "Just Older"...much older this comment is LONG.

"Get Ready". This comment will go "The Distance". "I Am" "Complicated" and that’s the "Story of My Life". But "It’s My Life" and "I’m Livin’ on a Prayer" - "Prayer ‘94", to be exact, but it’s "99 in the Shade". Hope it won’t take "The Next 100 Years" to read this. It’s just that "I Want to be Loved", valued, "Wanted Dead or Alive" and not "Misunderstood". So, "Welcome to Wherever You Are" and "Thank you for Loving Me" even though "You Give Love a Bad Name".
"Let it Rock"...

I’ll be "Damned" - The Tom Selleck cake is quite a good likeness and seems to be saying “Lay Your Hands on Me” but I wouldn’t recommend it. I "Believe" that icing will "Stick To Your Guns"! They say "You Can’t Lose at Love" but you can lose at cake-making, as evidenced by the crawly things on his chest.
Oh, "Say It Ain’t So"! That creepy "Last [Macho] Man Standing" is not a man at all and isn’t standing. It’s (she’s) laying in a bird poo-like substance and a "Bed of Roses" would surely be preferable. She (Rosie) is scantily clad and "Ugly"/underdeveloped because of "Bad Medicine". "She’s a Mystery" on a "Mystery Train" - not a "Homebound Train" - headed for "Social Disease". She’s obviously "Living In Sin" and has "Love for Sale". What is life "Without Love", after all? But "Love Lies", so I had her "Shot Through the Heart" for "Blood Money" on "One Wild Night" in a "Two Story Town" even though "She Don’t Know Me". "I Got and the Girl" and she needs "Something For the Pain" but no amount of "Novocaine" will help. I know it’s harsh but "This Ain’t a Love Song" and I didn’t see a "Diamond Ring". She smoked her "Last Cigarette", "Burning for Love" in a "Blaze of Glory" crying “ I don’t want to 'Fall to the Fire'”....and so on....

(Wow, most of that had nothing to do with cake. Sorry.)

As for the Bon Jovi cake - "I Want You"! "You Were Born to Be My Baby". I "Fear" I shouldn’t have cake "These Days", however. "(It’s Hard) Letting You Go", frosted frosting hair and all. But If "That’s What it Takes" to lose a couple pounds, I’ll do it."Keep the Faith"! "Someday I’ll be Saturday Night" and "I’ll be There for You", "In and Out of Love". "I’d Die for You", even. Plus, "Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen From Mars" have come to "Save the World" with a "Miracle"!

And there’s more good news: This comment is almost over! So "Raise Your Hands", ring the "Bells of Freedom" and run "Wild in the Streets", "Wild is the Wind", like a Wildflower!
Question: "Who Says You Can’t Go Home?"
"Answer": "The King of the Mountain" and the "Queen of New Orleans". They are lonely and would like you to stay.
However, you know you can "Brakeout" and "Runaway" but "Never Say Goodbye" because you know you’ll "Come Back" - So "Hush".
Sorry that was long but "It’s Just Me" and "Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart".
Well, gotta’ "Bounce" - "My Guitar Lies Bleeding in My Arms", getting "Blood on Blood" so I should probably clean it up..
As "Always", "Have a Nice Day"... "Everyday".


P.S. "Don’t Lie To Me". You are all "Undivided" in your hatred for my "Neurotica", aren’t you?

I believe that’s almost all of ‘em ...except "Roulette"...which I used just now. :)

Again, I apologize. This was just awful.

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKim

PS: The Tom Selleck cake may be a wreck conceptually, but it's also pretty dang awesome!!

September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterC. B-ger

The last cake looks like an autopsy of Flat Stanley, after one of his many trips ended in tragedy.

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKim and Dave

Okay, now I feel like a pervert, because I'd so totally be all over that Tom Selleck cake. It must be the chest hair. That hypnotic, swirly, tasty cake-decoration chest hair. :( :( :( What is wrong with me? :D

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSkiriki

lol, so funny! with the selleck cake, omg.

"Would you like some chest hair or eyebrows?"

I can't do the Bon Jovi title thing, because it would mean admitting that I know the name of more than 2 Bon Jovi songs. ;)

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That Tom Selleck cake is AWESOME! It's a shame that with how well done the whole cake is, the chest hair looks like little worms (my first thought was actually maggots, ugh!)

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

oh wow. the first is my favorite. can i have the middle hairy piece??

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteralexis giselle

Don't get me wrong... CAKE is my favorite food... but I just couldn't go there. Nope.

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTHAT GIRL

God, I LOVE Tom Selleck! I WANT THIS CAKE!!! :)

September 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLovey

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