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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
May242010

The Baby Cake Gets Cut Down to Size

You know how sometimes you see a baby cake that's not too horrendously awful, and your first reaction is something like,

"
Aw, just lookit that face! Who's a cute widdle boopsie woopsie baby? Is it you? Yes, it's you!!"


(Actually, sorry, that's John talking to our cats. My bad.)

Anyway, my point is that while some of these baby cakes might be just the teensiest bit cute, you have to remember one very important thing:

It's all fun and games 'til you cut the cake.

Yes, I have an example. Brace yourself.

Here we have the standard old man baby cake:

I say we call him Benjamin. ('Cuz he's cute as a Button!)

[Quick side note: in case you're wondering, as I did, why he's on a food court tray: it turns out that's a new type of cake board popping up in bakeries. Weird, I know. Ok, sorry to interrupt. Let's move on.]

And just so you get the full effect:

Just lookit that face!

No really, look at it. Aren't you glad the eyes aren't open?

[shiver] Whoah. I just gave myself the willies. (Or should I call them the "bennies?")



Okay. So, ├╝ber realistic baby. Been there, done that. However, here's where things get...

...cutting.

I would insert some side-splitting commentary here about how stabbing someone in the back always gets you the cold shoulder in the end - but as you can see, there's no need. He's already "waist"ing away!


Oh, Oh! Wait! I have one more:

Hey, Benji! You just got served!

Bwahahahahahaahaa!

Ah, I crack myself up sometimes.


Anyway, we still haven't gotten to the worst part yet. The worst part actually, literally, in real reality, honestly gave John nightmares. Seriously. So now he won't let me post it here. Instead, I'm going to link to it. But please, all joking aside, choose your clicks wisely. I'm here to make you laugh, not give you nightmares - and this thing puts the "ick" in "squicky."

Ok, enough warnings (since I'm sure they're having the opposite affect anyway): Click here to see the final photo.

Thanks to Kimberley K., who will never again say to a child, "I could just eat you up!"

Note from John: I initially made that last picture a separate post and linked to it, not realizing it would show up in Google readers before the actual post. Oops. Sorry to those of you who clicked on it with no warning! Oh and if the new link doesn't work, you may have to refresh the page.

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Reader Comments (270)

So here I was thinking "I'm pretty hard, it's just a cake, that won't possibly give me nightmaaAAAAAAUGH JESUS CHRIST WHAT"

WHO
WOULD
DO
THAT

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMorgan

Poor kid has forearms like Popeye. However, with a knife in his head it's probably the least of his problems.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLoew

If I'd eaten, I would've lost it right then and there. The rest of the post was funny, yes. That las picture is something I will stay awake to avoid tonight. Yikes!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

OK.. Number 1- cake should never be in the form of a baby! I don't care how cute you think it is. Think ahead people!!!! It might be cute at first, but what is cake for??? Yup... think ahead!!!
Number 2- Why couldn't it just be a binky or a really big diaper? It wouldn't have been so gross.. even the diaper would have been better!!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermandyj212000

OMG that's just sick! LOL And sadly, funny. My 8 yr old son and 10 yr old daughter are laughing hysterically. They want to eat the face. They're weird kids.....it's possible I dropped them as babies. ;-)

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKorrie

Maybe the dingo ate your baby... The dingo, ate your baby.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSJ

Oh my gosh. That was terrible. Really and truly terrible. I audibly gasped and closed the browser window as fast as I could. Terrible.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterecuakim

Jebus, that link scared me! It actually took me about 5 seconds to figure out what it was... But of course hilarious as usual! :D

I would LOVE to have a realistic baby cake at my party. I would shriek with glee and wave the knife all around and make all sorts of slashing motions towards the cake and freak all the normal people out.

And that is what they would all deserve for serving cake at my party. The only cake I like is on this blog. *sigh* I hate cake.

Am I disowned now?

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGoing Postal

Not gonna lie, I cracked up laughing at the end result. I obviously have an absurd sense of humor, lol. Just remember its only a CAKE. A freakishly terrifying cake, but still, yumtastic nonetheless!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

YIKES!!!

Poor decorator. It was great work, but I couldn't eat it.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTinkDoll

Mmm! I just love soylent cake!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFanboy Wife

OK, I thought it was a pretty ugly cake right from the get-go, and I can't imagine why anyone would have wanted it in the first place. But one you start cutting it up, well...I'm torn between finding it incredibly disgusting, or finding it hysterically funny and laughing myself silly. Or maybe both.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

I got the cut up baby first too and now it all makes sense to me.

I screamed when I saw it. LOL!

It reminds me of how on Ace of Cakes Mary Alice said "I don't know why folks order cakes of their dogs...and then cut into them. Kinda sick!" (they usually make them with red velvet cake for the full effect!)

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

Dessert, after fava beans and a nice chianti. Seriously, though, this is very wrong.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJill

After I showed my husband the full array of photos of the infanti-cake-cide, he said (with a straight face) "I hope they enjoyed their cake". I can't imagine serving something like that, not even on Halloween.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie Miller

Why, oh why did I have to click on that final photo! I should know better after looking at these posts for some time now!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKy

When I clicked on the link, the words "Oh God" just flew out of my mouth involuntarily.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh man, what if it were made of red velvet cake? Or angel food cake with STRAWBERRY FILLING? :o

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

GAH.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTimba

At least it wasn't red velvet cake.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

This is the ugliest cake I have ever seen. Who makes these??? Who would order this? Looks like Chucky! That last picture?... yurg!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBelle T

I showed this to my husband, and he's repeating, ew, ew, ew. I think it's hilarious, especially the cut-up head. The most disturbing thing to me is that the cake itself looks more like cream cheese with parsley rather than a baked good. Or maybe a sushi roll. OK, I admit to having a weird sense of humor.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKeeley

Love your puns!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah B

The only thing that could be worse than that last pic would be.....*thinks* ...I got nothing. That whole cake is so very wrong on so many levels.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterA

I am seriously scarred for life. Those people should be ashamed for purchasing such a thing, as well as the sadist baker who made it. Bleh.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdominique

Aaaah, so THATS what it was.

I thought it was a disturbing carrot. Didn't notice the eyes and lips lol

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterredgirl

Congratulations!

Your site has never, ever grossed me out.

Until now.

That last photo was just....ugh. I wonder if some of the guests left the room and/or lost their appetites and didn't have any cake?

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMargaret

Brought me back to my old art history class. Replace "baby cake" with "homunculus" and suddenly it's easier to look at.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

As I keep saying, cannibalism is just not cool/amusing/cute/pretty.

Stop eating babies, you freaks!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

This is insanity! Love your blog!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I think it's hilarious! I wish the inside was red velvet cake and the butt end was chocolate. Mmmmm poo diaper :)

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTheresa

Cannibalism FTW? :/

That's really, really disturbing and gross!!!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMiranda

I think I can safely say that that last picture is one of the scariest friggin`things I`ve ever seen.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor Lindsay

I actually thought when you prefaced that picture with all the warnings.. how bad can it possible be? I enjoy horror movies, gore, etc. How can a cake actually be that disturbing so as to give my nightmares?

Lesson learned. *shudder*

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenni

cake died for me today.

i thought the roadkill cakes did it. i really did. then i saw this cake. i can't even use punctuation that's how upset i am.

on a random note, my verification word was spine. no joke.
wow.

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMissNay

Anonymous said...
"At least they cut the head in slices & not quarters."
-----------------------------
Oh, yes. THAT is precisely the distinction that *I* was about to make. (?)
("I'm SO pleased to see that head sliced and not quartered," I would have said. "There's more to go around--smaller pieces, but more OF them. It's more JUST.")

=^g.g^=

(WV: "mennis"...The person who made that cake is a mennis to society.)

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Why, oh, why did I click!? You know what this means don't you? All of us that are having nightmares because of your warning that just made us want to click are going to have to come over to your house to sleep tonight. Please, for the love of all that is holy, serve pie! Cake would just send us over the edge...

(Maybe I shouldn't have stopped seeing the therapist.)

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVivian Guest

I've never posted in the comments before, but really.. WHO DOES THIS? Who cuts into the cute baby cake and EATS IT? After the first cut, how did everyone not run screaming from the room in horror? And who thought, even further, that chopping up the teeny baby face was a good idea, and then took a picture?!
WTF indeed!

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Anonymous said...
"Old wives tale said that if a mother had a bad scare before delivery something would be wrong with the baby"
~~~~~~~~~~~
The way I heard that one was that the baby would be born with a *mark* in the shape of whatever it was that scared Mom.
There was another OWT about the significance of cravings, but I can't remember how it went.
Maybe it was "If you crave cake, you'll have a baby that looks like a cake that looks like a baby."

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Oh my.. and I just HAD to click that link.. shivers and screams..why oh why must they make cakes like this??? There are no words to describe what I am feeling right now other than horrified and nauseated..must find another wreck to make my mind forget..

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

I'm judging myself now, because I seem to be the only person who actually found that hilarious (for the record, I also don't have children).

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You think that's disturbing... A few months ago I saw this cake actually being cut on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m71U2jJp09w

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

OH DEAR GOD. I think even goatse is less disturbing than that last picture. *shudders*

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That last pic is kind of a cool illusion actually. Anyone can see it's just a ball of crudely painted cake and fondant, but it's still enough to plunge you into Uncanny Valley for a few seconds.

As for the HORROR!...meh. Fake cake baby face vs. the real thing, intact and screeching through a torrent of mucus. No contest.

WV: extusne - what you say after sneezing on a baby cake, even if there weren't any appetites left to ruin

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Gah! :)

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterhazey-sunshine

I came, I clicked, I cried.

Actually closed the whole browser in my panic and desperation to get away from that image. Although it does make me wonder, which would be worse, slicing the face or leaving the disembodied head whole...

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAllicat

Well, that image is now firmly burned into my memory! I know what kind of dreams I'll be having for the next few weeks.... :-/

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

@ sarah:
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, that youtube video of this cake being cut is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much worse than the still images! I thought I could keep reminding myself that it's a cake, but i only got 2 seconds in before I closed the laptop. fast.

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlthestane

I was looking at the original post with my three year old daughter on my lap. She commented appropriately at how cute the little baby was.

Then she saw him with a big gash on his side and said, "oh, he's going to have to go to the doctor!"

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTara

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