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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Sep082010

Hey Rab-baht!

Today, we're going to talk about carrots.

Or more specifically, carrot cake. You see, for hundreds of thousands of years, bakers have been trying to hide the taste of carrots - which is most charitably described as "dirt-like"- by mixing it with truckloads of sugar and cream cheese icing. This makes even the most rancid of vegetables - aka, carrots - slightly less disgusting and, of course, extremely healthy.

But how does a baker, who is bound by law to disclose that his cake actually contains putrid dirt veg, tell his customers without making them want to vomit?

Well, there's always lying:

"That's funny; why do these red velvet cupcakes taste like feet?"


Or making it completely illegible:

"Hm. I feel like these orange arrows are trying to tell me something about my Canb cake. But what could it be?!?"


Or the baker can mangle the shape of the aforementioned foul devil vegetable to confuse people:

"I'm detecting notes of chocolate icing and...is that...? Yes...I think it is! Fetid bunny swill. Huh."

Some have tried tweaking the color to muppet blue:


This way instead of imagining carrots - the ingrown hairs of the earth - in your cake, you can imagine synthetic fur - which is of course a vast improvement.

In the end, though, it's always best to just be honest:

Cak Rot?

Sounds about right to me.


Note: Before the carrot cake coalition comes after me, I should mention that I actually love carrot cake. Carrots, however, are evil like the froo-its of the de-vill. Which just goes to show: if you put enough sugar in something, even the most revolting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, stomach-churning, stomach-turning, off-putting, unpalatable, distasteful, foul, nasty, vomitous vegetable known to man can be super duper yummy.

Special thanks to peachesrevenge, Simon L., Nora B., Lacey J., Natasha T., and my Mac Thesaurus, which never lets me down.

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Reader Comments (213)

Ha! Even when I cook carrots for us, we do them candied style with brown sugar and butter. anything that drowns out the carrot-y taste. ;)

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWifeOfSeth

*crunch crunch crunch*

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterid

Sorry, but you have it wrong. "The most revolting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, stomach-churning, stomach-turning, off-putting, unpalatable, distasteful, foul, nasty, vomitous vegetable known to man" is actually the lima bean.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Crazy!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEthan

Whoa, the 'Canb' cake looks like it says an entirely different four-letter word! How rude! Unless it's the flavor of the cake, but that's a whole different problem.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Love the So I Married an Axe Murderer reference. And the post, of course.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Boob Nazi

Love the Cak Rot cake. AND...not only did they pipe it that way once, but actually gave us a twin cake! Whooh Whooh!

Go Wreckers....go wreckers!

Sharon's Edible Art

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

Methinks you don't care for carrots.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHalf Assed Kitchen

Carrots, the ingrown hair of the earth

One of the funniest things I've ever read! Thanks for the morning laugh.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShawn D

Is it just me, or does the writing on the second cake look like the dreaded c-word?

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteramchornetgirl

Rather than being a deformed carrot on top of the chocolate cake, I believe that is the flower of that plant they show on the news from time to time. You know, the flower that smells like rotting meat. That would fit in with your dislike of carrots.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Yay! Another carrot hater, huzzah! I feel vindicated and will now use "ingrown hairs of the earth" as my new catch-phrase to describe them. Carrot cake, however, is delicious especially with a nice cream cheese icing!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Carrots: ingrown hairs of the earth....snicker!

Love the post, John! And I'm with you when it comes to the taste of carrots...a dirt-like essence...bleah!

Still, you have to love those little carrot jockeys....

Sharon's Edible Art

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

I love that Winnie the Pooh narrates the title of your post.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterloisgroat

As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE carrot cake, I just had to laugh at "ingrown hairs of the earth". You've done it again -- turned righteous indignation into embarrassingly loud laughter. Mazel tov.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

I initially read the illegible one as something very rude indeed....

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The canb cake looks like it says something different to me. U and T instead of A and B. I hate that word, why would someone write something that looks like that? Nice So I married an Axe Murderer quote. The canb cake fits the bill.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the loch

Gotta disagree with the last paragraph. That's why brussel sprout cakes aren't more popular....

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

Someone who thinks carrots are a gross vegetable has obviously never had a brussel sprout!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVenkman's Mom

Hehe, John, you and my sister are peas in a pod when it comes to carrots.
Also, now I have an almost irresistable urge to make a carrot cake... yummyness. :D

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

I'm pretty sure I had some cak rot once at a little Klingon cafe.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara

Hey, what's wrong with carrots?
They taste good!

I'm still trying to process the fact that you said something about carrots and carrot cake without mentioning naked mohawk baby carrot jockeys.
No, it just doesn't compute.

Let me say it once more for good measure: Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

You seem to have carrots confused with beets.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I thought I was the only person alive who had lines memorized from "So I Married An Axe Murderer." That is a great movie! Thanks for reminding me of the laughs. To go with my carrot cake, I thought I ordered a LARGE cappuccino. Haha! --Emily

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hey all,

Just so we're clear, there are many varied and wonderfully disgusting vegetables in this world of ours. However, carrots have chosen to single themselves out at every holiday meal by gleefully proclaiming, "Hey! Eat me boiled and mushy! People claim I'm good for you!"

Lima beans and Brussels sprouts know better. They just sit over in a corner, relaxing in a vat of butter and minding their own business. Carrots are the obnoxious second cousins of the vegetable family.

john

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

Nice use of the Thesaurus! Love it!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Weller

Have you ever seen a pea cake? No...no? That's because not even sugar and cream cheese (or any other delectably sweet thing) can make those nasty little balls of bitter any good. I'd take carrots any day!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah McNair

I love carrots. I may not ever be able to get past the ingrown hairs of the earth reference. Darn you cakewrecks!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

I like carrots and carrot cake but I think cream cheese icing is just about the most disgusting thing on the planet (The actual honor goes to Dr. Pepper). Cheese has no place in desert food. And before you ask, Cheese cake is slimy and gross.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDani

Hey, you know, the writing on that second cake doesn't look like "canb" so much as it looks like "Epcot."

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

Carrots? Naaa... okra! Slimy gobs of nobby goo that can't be swallowed regardless of the number of years threatened with NO TV!! -- Anna

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbabyblue1217

Urg...you know, I like carrots, but I don't think I'll be able to eat them now for a while...

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJuno

Dani:
I love cheese on my desert food. I just don't want it in my dessert.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Don't hold back, John - tell us how you *really* feel about carrots! :)

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJim Todd

Um yeah I also see on the second cake the "c" word that rhymes with punt....which is not something I want to eat. I don't swing that way.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Don't make these people come after you:

http://www.babycarrots.com/

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKarin Spirn

You know, I was going to pick up a carrot cake from a local bakery tonight, because we were invited to a friends house for dinner. This bakery makes an amazing version of carrot cake, but I think after this post I am going to get mini cannolis instead.
Thanks Cake Wrecks. :)

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

"the ingrown hairs of the earth" - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

WV - cardsmsu - I'm sure it's related to tiramisu.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarcy W.

On the other hand, there is not enough sugar on the planet to hide the revolting taste of cantaloupe. Or licorice.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCharlene

Hey John,

Are carrots really the obnoxious second cousins of the family? Or are you too PC to call them redheaded stepchildren?

R.J.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRedhead Justice

I love the Cak Rot cakes! I think I sprayed my monitor with coffee on that one! Too funny!

Amy A

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

wow.

i HATE carrot cake, but since my hubby (also named John) just loooooves it, i was considering making him some.

but "Ingrown Hairs of the Earth" has officially swayed me against it.

ewww ewww EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRenee H.

@ Redhead Justice,

See, to me, the term redheaded stepchild means more that someone is not related and, of course, carrots are very much a part of the family. They're just the part that nobody likes. They're the obnoxious second cousin who shows up to the party drunk wearing a wife beater and making rude jokes to your 105 year old grandmother, Mrs. Collard Green.

john

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

- the ingrown hairs of the earth -

LOL!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGentrey

Mmm, I love carrots. Carrot cake, on the other hand, is evil, because it almost always contains walnuts, which are the true fruit of the devil. At least to people like me who are allergic.

WV: endadera - Don't youa dare-a cut inafronta me ina line-a! Go to the endadera!

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercoeurdechoeur

OMG, was that a So I Married an Axe Murderer reference? This blog rocks!

And this really post makes me regret not taking a photo of the giant chocolate chip cookie that had icing carrots on it.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Wow! I have never actually heard someone talk with such hate about carrots--obviously you've never had a good one--if you're eating them from the store, yes they taste like that--if you grow them at home organically, they taste like pure sugar and have none of the feet or dirt taste you mention. I'll keep eating my carrots and have awesome health and eyesight.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMiranda

What's wrong with carrots? I think raw carrots are delicious. And Bugs Bunny agrees with me. So you guys have a problem ;) Or maybe you only tried the tasteless, genetically modified cr*p.

Carrot cake on the other hand sounds icky. Carrot+sugar? really? ew. Thank goodness no one heard about that recipe in my country :)

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBluefairy

Oh Cooolllll! A red/green colour blindness test that comes in cake form!
So much more fun than those spot tests.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDrawn to Caricature

i happen to love carrots - and not a fan of carrot cake. to each her own.

now when they start making eggplant cake, that's an entirely different matter. blech.

September 8, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercath c

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