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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
May272011

Confectionary Compensating

Men, we need to talk.

Ladies, if you could just give us a minute? Thanks.

[tapping foot while 99.6% of readership leaves the room]


[whispering] Right, then. Listen, guys. I know some of you might be "concerned" that your bride-to-be has had wedding cake in the past. And yes, she probably has!

Hey, some girls have had lots of wedding cake.

And sure, ok, maybe they were fairly large cakes.


Maybe they were even huge cakes.


But that doesn't mean she won't be satisfied with a perfectly average-sized cake!

(Ok, you can't see her face - but I'm sure she's thrilled.)

So even if your wedding cake seems a bit small and overgrown...


Or perhaps leans to the right...


Or even has a little trouble staying upright...


...the important thing is to remember that your bride loves you, no matter what. The cakes of the past are the cakes of the past! No matter how massive and sweeping and awe-inspiring they may have been.

Er...

And if all else fails, you can always buy a Ferrari.

Thanks to Kimber M., Anony M., Julia H., Tessa D., Adrienne H., Jamie, Rachel O., and Anony M., who can come back in now.

-------------------------------------------------------


« Sunday Sweets: In Memory | Main | HaiCakes! »

Reader Comments (91)

OMG...this post is absolutely hilarious!!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Miller Five

Funny post, John! It's not always the size of the cake that matters, but how it tastes and how it makes the woman feel! ;-)

wv: essious. The cake is (del)essious.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Bwahahaha. It's not the size of your wedding cake, it's what you do with it. Do not mash it into a woman's face, nor should you share it with too many people. Hey, I love big wedding cakes, but I like cupcakes just as much, maybe more. When it's in a small package, the baker tends to put more thought into it.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

How do you even serve those ginormous ones? With a cherry-picker?

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBB, Miami

The first cake (?) reminds me of the game, "Tip It." Does anyone remember "Tip It?" Perhaps that's what they were going for.

As for cake number 6: I would never stand for a cake that leans to the right.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

OH Anonymous (9:34,) you made my day.

WV: Cacon: Every bride should have a beautiful cacon her special day.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Hey, why did you say that 99% of your readership is female? This male has LOL'ed at more than one of your posts.

(Captcha: tablamel. Jen, I think you can find a use for that word.)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDavid Plass

The happy couple in the second photo look like Oompa Loompas. That may well be a very small cake.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy'sMom

Oh, my!

That fifth one needs some cake-scaping.

Looks like none of these were Jewish weddings.

Hey, :::adjusting tie::: I'll be here all week -- be sure to tip your waitress!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

Oh, and it's not the size of the cake, it's the motion of the fork.

Ok, so it doesn't rhyme . . .

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

David,

We totally have guy readers. We're just in the very, very small minority.

john

Wow. Who gets to climb to the top of those cakes to fetch the last piece. I agree SuBee, it does look like tip-it. But when I saw it, I was mostly just picturing an America's Funniest Video's moment of disastrous proportions.

wv: pressiv. I have to admit, that last cake was pretty (im)pressiv

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie M

SuBee...I'm glad I did, although not sure why...

By the way, you won't stand for a cake leaning to the right, what about laying down for one? ;-)

wv: tabriz - watch out for tabriz (the breeze) as the cake falls!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh this post was good, but Ellen's comments (9:54 & 9:56) had me crying...

Great beginning to the first weekend of summer vacation.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

Are you sure that last one is a cake? Something that size and shape billowing clouds of white smoke is more likely a North Korean missile being prepped for launch.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenteriCowboy

My sister's getting married this weekend, so I was planning to send her a link if any cakewrecks this week were wedding related. However, now that I've seen it, I don't think I'm comfortable sending it to her (or especially to her groom). Very funny, though!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Innuendo + cake = my favorite thing. Thanks for filling my head with cake... really, really big cake.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSummer S

Haha, these cakes are unreal

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBillyBites

XD lolol nice use of launguage to get the message across

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Um, did you notice on the average sized cake the bride and groom toppers standing back to back? Funny!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ooh I'm a minority on cake wrecks :)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterninja dude 12

Having created a few wedding cakes in my nefarious past, I cna guarantee that there is definitely some envy going on..and the size of the cake is the least of it..but funny, funny post...especially that last one that seems to be almost orgasmic in its fog o' love...tough to compete with that one...

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermizdarlin

ROF-stinkin-L....

This is even funnier b/c of an inside joke among some of my guy friends that you should never let your bride eat wedding cake, because she'll only want to, erm, get fiesty on the wedding night, and NEVER AGAIN. lol

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda Mac

The black sperms are definitely an issue.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTJ

That smoke machine'd wedding cake made my husband exclaim: "Smoke machine and wedding cake? Remember when Homer Simpson wanted to invent the Electric Blanketmobile? It's like that!"

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenna

I don't care what size or shape your cake is mate, just don't festoon it with ferns, that's just nasty!

wv:grotmac....what they'll need to wear in that last picture when that thar cake blows!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

John (the hubby of JEN,)

Your post brought tiers to my eyes.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Are you sure that third one is a cake? It looks like something you'd force on a bridesmaid.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOldish Lady

I think that last one has SMOKE comming out of it, careful that may be transmitable.

Fitting the bride is wearing a kamono, I think you can only get that problem in Bankok

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersara

...or you could buy a Humvee and hang a set of Truck Nuts off the back, like my ex-husband. Ahem.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeather Smith

Great post. Cake double entendre is always delicious. ;^)

I am just wondering when it became necessary for cakemeisters to have a degree in civil engineering. I mean, just LOOK at the size of those cakes! What goes into keeping some of those humongous ones upright? Do they build them onsite? Do you need a building permit? (And what about...Naomi?)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterflying gargoyle

*facepalm*

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMissNay

A friend of mine solved his problem by simply saying to his intended, "See, Alice...."

wv - readi: see above post

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermel

All I've got is...wow.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBnE's Mommy

Best. Ever.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLexi Podolski

john -- I almost peed my pants I was giggling so hard! Thanks for the laugh! :)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterhartman

I like only just discovered this blog, and I've gotta say, this is hilarious! XD
I actually saw some little cupcake monstrosities in my local bakery; they were covered in icing that had been molded into looking like a dog, and then someone plopped a graduation hat on 'em. I wish I took a picture!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

0.4% of the readership, eh? No matter how accurate that may be, I'm...never mind.

#1 What a cool idea -- everyone gets their own cake!

#2 Not bad, except for being, you know, large. What's the deal with the small auxiliary cake off to the side?

#3 Superman decided that getting hitched at the Fortress of Solitude was not such a hot idea. In fact, it was a bit of a non sequitur.

#4 "I knew I shouldn't have said, 'We'll take that one' when I was shown the sample at the Literal Bakery."

#5 Oh ick. I can smell the potpourri. Probably tastes like it, too.

#6 Uh...

#7 I hope that one isn't a metaphor.

#8 Now that's cool. It has like cold vapor coming off it and stuff. Is it going to lift off? That would be totally awesome!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

This reminds me of the bumper sticker, "Nice Truck! (Sorry about the small penis)"

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

It is a little known bit of Hollywood trivia that, on the old "Honeymooners" show, when Jackie Gleason used to roar "To the moon, Alice," he was fondly remembering their wedding reception where they HAD been launched into orbit with the assistance of just such a cake.

(The More You Know Star PSA theme plays here...)

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Good stuff! Aw man, I did a wedding cake not too long ago and had a disaster! I should have taken a picture to send to you. Luckily they were good family friends and we worked it out.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Momo Foster

Oh! I had to look again, and again, but I thought the first cake had a Santa face at the top.....lol
And maybe on that last one it's really tulle, not smoke? Maybe? .....I hope?

wv: tatedg - That lacy stuff my dad used to make (tatting) used as decoration on a pillowcase - "That pillowcase has a pretty tat-edg....

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSuphred

The size of cake #4 is the least of that girl's problems. She's got to live down those sleeves for the rest of her life!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMama Wild Bear

I'm always amazed on the size of cakes that people have in their weddings. I mean, sometimes there is more cake then there are people! But I'll give credit where it is due, having a smoke effect on your cake just makes you awesome.

Abby

For # 3 did the couple come in and ask the baker for a cake that looked like a cactus mated with a unicorn horn and appears to be wearing a white satin skirt?

If it is actually the traditional wedding cake of Belgium I apologize for my ignorance in advance.

WV: ergast "I heard ergast at the size of the wedding cake."

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSiouxzr

Small and overgrown had me LOL'ing!!!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

[sigh]

@iCowboy - what is a North Korean missile doing launching from Japan?

@sara - it's callad "KImono". It's a traditional *Japanese* outfit. The groom is wearing one, too. And Bangkok is in Thailand, not Japan.

Sorry, I really had to defend the traditions of the Land of the Rising Sun. Even if having huge cakes is not exactly what the Japanese are known for (nudge nudge, wink wink).

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHerouth

This rocks in a way few things in the world have ever rocked before!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The Towering Inferno Cake just needs to have little fondant victims jumping off the top into little tulle nets.

@John : "We're just in the very, very small minority"? Meaning the minority are very very small?
WHY are guys SO obsessed with size? My ex used to say, "anything more than a mouthful is a waste" (WHEN TALKING ABOUT CAKE.)
=^O-O^=
Anyone else see The Last Days of Pompeii in that collapsible cake?

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

wv: stedi
Some of those cakes are not stedi.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

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