My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

HE SEES YOU: A Holiday Horror Story

[movie announcer guy]:  

This Christmas... 

get ready...

for a one horse...






Run as fast as you can...

[insane giggling]


And don't go outside:



And never...




"Oh, thank goodness we found you, Santa! ....Santa?"




"He's not real. He's not real. HE'S NOT REAL."


 "He's... right behind me, isn't he?

"Great. Juuuuust great."



[child singing]

He sees you when you're sleeping

He know when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good,

So be good...


 ...OR DIE.


Thanks to Erinn M., Aymara A., Gene H., Ben & Janelle, Chandria D., Zach R., Ann H., & Shannon S., who better watch out, and they better not cry, because wusses get left behind.

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Reader Comments (78)

Are you a fan of Futurerama by any chance?

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKeeley

Oh goodness that was scary. I blame the singing children. Also the horrendous cakes. :|

Can't sleep, santa-bear will eat me...can't sleep, santa-bear will eat me...

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda H.

I'm rather glad it's well into daytime here and my lights are on ... I'll have nightmares

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

That Santa teddy cake is horrifying. It gives me the shivers.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPauline Soo

Number Five ( Hannibal Lector gets Santa) just about finished me. A nice Chianti, anyone?

Did you know we have a television station up here in Canada that regularly shows a Saw marathon every Christmas? We ought to send them these cakes.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPersephone

Sung to ”Thriller”

It’s close to Christmas, and festive cakes all crowd the bakery floor
Under the store lights, there’s something wrong with cakes you should adore
You start to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze, Bear Santa looks you right between the eyes
You’re paralyzed!

‘Cause this is Killer Bakery Night
And no one’s gonna save you from the cake about to strike
It’s such a chilling, frosted sight
You’re fighting for your life inside of Safeway’s bakery tonight!

Darkness falls across Snowman
A knife in a gingerbread hand
Penguins crawl in search of blood
And terrorize your neighborhood
And whosoever they had found
Are melting there upon the ground
He stood and faced the evil cakes
Now Santa bleeds for his mistake
The snowman closed his eyes in fear
When Evil Claus came from the rear
And reedy singing fills the room
Foreshadowing your Christmas doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The Grizzly Santa Killer

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

He-he! I heard the Psycho shower scene string shriek in my head on that last series of pictures, and then the final "DUNNNNN" on the last picture. If you ever run out of cakes to make fun of for your site, Jen, you could get a job writing movie trailers. Well Done!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoemama

Sharyn, you are the most prolific song writer of all time. How do you do it?

Jen, I totally heard the children singing reeeally slowly a la Nightmare on Elm Street "9, 10, you'll never sleeeeep aaagaaain."

I'm with Degera - thanks for posting this in the morning. I'll try to forget it by bedtime.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Coffee spewed across my screen. I'm laughing out loud in my cube. At this point my cube-mates know I must be on Cake Wrecks. I love your blog :)
-Sharyn, I will be singing that all day now. Love it!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Best holiday cake post EVER!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMonique

Ugh, that last one is just terrifying! Is it supposed to be a bear?! REAL bears aren't even that scary! I'm just gonna be over here in the corner, curled into the fetal position and weeping quietly.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMatt J

The scariest is the marshmallow Santa cake with the jello mold brain exposed and drips of jello blood coming down his face. Braaaaainnnnnns!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLori

What in the bloody blue blazes is that last one?

I think I have found something more effective than the elf on the shelf to scare my children into good behaviour...

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaury

What's up with the tiny crotch Santa in the last one?

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuzG

Sharyn wins the Internet with the Thriller mash up!

Seriously, those cakes?! Why?!?!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTalyMorr

Not if I eat his scary icing face first! Mwahahaha. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Simply put, I love this web site almost more than icing itself. Thank you, thank you, for putting the holidays back into proper perspective for me. Cake Wrecks, you are the ultimate therapist and harbinger of true comfort in a world where comfort food can go wrong (very wrong). Thank you!! :)

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie S.

Oh gosh Sharyn, you slay me! ;D Great post Jen!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAngieN24

That Santa Bear will haunt me for the rest of the day!! I'm coming for YOU!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

Is it very wrong that I liked the gingerbread man?? Sharyn I officially (I'm officious so that counts, right?) awarding you the interwebs, you are now Queen of the Cake Songs, OK??

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKirri

Brain-eaten students
lie prostrate round my red pen.
Bring it, zombie bird.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Snork. Glad I wasn't drinking anything!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

ROTFL!!! Great post, Jen! Thanks very much for the much-needed laughs!!
@Sharyn -- you ROCK

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

1: What the heck is that last thing?
2: Does it have a tumor on its head?
3: Are those some sort of stunted tentacles on its feet? Shouldn't it have shoes?

The horror.... the horror.....

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTMac

@Laury- bwah ha ha ha! Well played, my friend. Well played.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelonie

is that an ear under the santa bear's hat or is he just excited to see you??

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralli

That gingerbread man is going to bother me come sundown. BIG TIME.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJasry

Important safety tip one: Never, ever, EVER use starlight mints as eyes. For ANYTHING.

Important safety tip two: Psycho Santa bear is always watching, so DON'T BE NAUGHTY. Ever. Ever, ever.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

I don't know which is creepier, the cakes or Sharyn's song. Nice job to all the writers involved here. I've officially got the heebie jeebies.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

"OR DIE" I laughed so hard!! :)

Sharyn - you are amazing! Thank you for that. :)

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElly

Zombie penguin looks like he's vomiting ectoplasm. Perfect.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

picture #2 already has his own movie:

I only wish I were making it up. I've actually witnessed this piece of cinematic amazeballs.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEvaNadine

It's funny the caption under the gingerbread man is "insane giggling," because that's exactly what I'm doing.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdoodlebug

haha, I have always thought that Santa Clause is Coming to Town was the creepiest song ever! Why is Santa creepin on me in my sleep?? He's lurking EVERYWHERE!!!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Jen, I never thought I would request this -- but could you pull this one for another day?

A Holiday horror story is a couple dozen little kids shot to death a few days before Christmas.

I love you and John and all you do, and the timing is SO not your fault...but we need rainbows and unicorns today.

[Editor's note- Thanks for the kind note Anna. Jen is working on another post now (she's actually been crying for the past hour). We'll be posting something else soon. -john]

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna

Oh, crap...Jen, your sense of timing is, as always...
crap. It's not YOUR fault there are idiots out there who do bad things on the same day that you put up very funny posts involving things that could frighten children!


December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKae

That last cake has to be the worst example of the use of Wilton's 3D bear pan EVER. I'm also trying desperately to forget I ever saw that gingerbread man.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

I LOVE teddy bears. I've been known to "aww" at even the most fugly bears. But that teddy-santa cake... Even I can't love that bear. Just as well since he plans to kill us all in our sleep.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJabby

That was the best use of zoom. EVER!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuz

@Barbara Anne: "Did the plumber fix the pipes?" ?? Now I'm going to have to venture into the CW archives to get the reference, with the standard issue indifference to obvious danger, and the flashlight that conks out at exactly the wrong time. Theardare? Is that you? [ear scratch for safety]

#2 Okaaay. No problems there.

#3 How appropriate that the cover looks like a bell jar. There must be a back story that will make everyone do a synchronized forehead smack, but I can't imagine what it might be.

#4,5 I can't decide if I would like to know the thought process, or if I am much, MUCH better off not knowing. That universe might not be a fun place.

#7 Those eyes are definitely not twinkling. They're more like soul-sucking portals into another dimension.

#8 Gaahh! Why aren't the ears the same? How come he has tiny 'hands' and giant legs that end in...? Is this a T. Rex in disguise? I thought the things to the left were crickets, until I managed to see reindeer harnessed to a sleigh. That's s-l-e-i-g-h, not that other word. All on a plate of Cheez Whiz. Gotta wonder if the wreckerator moonlights as a t-t-taxidermist. Is that him/her in the background?

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

@Sharyn ~ Thanks for that... Now I'm laughing through the tears.
@Anna ~ Well said!

Jen, John and all the rest, you guys are amazing and we all appreciate what you do. But yeah, today rainbows and unicorns would be good...

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

As sad as the incident is, I don't think Jen, or any other comedic blogger, especially those who posted before the news broke, should be asked to pull their jokes.

Bad things happen every single day. That doesn't mean there is no room for levity in the world. Those who wish to remain somber today can just as well NOT view Cake Wrecks today.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

That gingerbread man is awesome. Awesomely evil.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

Do your best, Jen. We love you.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Now for the eyes. Oo!
You know what would be perfect?
Swirling hypno-mints!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

I needed a good laugh today. Thank you! Seriously, what do bakers think when they put these cakes out? Can they not see them? Are they blind? Did the Santa Bear eat their brains? Oh no, I'm going to have nightmares now.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrandy

Thank you for the continuing gut-laughs, Jen. NEVER stop, no matter what!! You make the world a better place. We really need to laugh.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLily in Labrador

I agree with Katie. Jen, please don't let today's news make you question yourself or stop you from giving us (and yourself) a bit of laughter in the midst of such heartbreak. If it was ever needed, now is that time.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBillieH

Thank you for the laughs!

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAimee C.

I agree with Anna. I love you guys but I think it should be a post for another day.

December 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

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