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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Jun302014

7 Seriously Ugly Wedding Cakes To Make Your Day Better

Wow, you guys really like your wedding wrecks, don't you?

And by "your" wedding wrecks, I of course mean someone ELSE'S wedding wrecks.

Because you are terrible, terrible people.

We must be related.

 

Now, remember, a wedding cake is the most important cake in a person's blah-de-blah-look at this wreck:

On the bright side, there are cupcakes.

On the top side, there's this:

I think it says "M and H."

Why did the baker use "and" instead of an ampersand?
The world... may never know.

 

Ever wonder what a cake would like like wrapped in wet tissue paper?

WONDER NO MORE.

 

This next one is Smurf-tastic:

In fact, I believe the bride's exact words were, "So help me, I'm gonna smurfin' SMURF that smurfing baker!"

 

So...

...that happened.

 

The bride asked for steampunk:

She got steamed poop.

 

Every time I see a wedding cake like this, I think the same thing:

If only that camouflage worked.

 

At least it didn't have a weedy deer skull on it, though!
AHAHAHAHAHAWAIT:

The swan pillars are a nice touch.

The intestine topping, not so much.

 

Thanks to an anonymous bride, an anonymous wedding guest, Katie F., Judy M., another Anony M., Shari A., & Ashley P. for helping me give brides-to-be everywhere nightmares. SLEEP TIGHT, LADIES.

*****

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Reader Comments (73)

Here comes the snide...

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I'd love to see the wedding photos after the guests consumed cake #3; all dark blue teeth and tongues. And, hey, how about #1; how to decorate with floor sweepings!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterShirley Fowley

The camo cake looks disgustingly moldy. So gross. I'm sure the cake with the horse shoe looked a lot better in the "before" picture but translated badly to buttercream!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDrockbox

I really want to see the pictures AFTER eatling that blue frosting. *Just close your eyes and imagine the smiles* *snicker*

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

Is that a plastic canvas heart on top of the first cake UNDER the frosting??? Did the baker expect them to cut around it or just reach right in and pull it off first, assuming they noticed it before cutting the cake? Smh.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternormajean

Forgot to mention, even though that steampunk cake is horrible, that cake stand is amazing! If the bride gets to keep it after, the cake would be worth suffering through.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternormajean

Golden Slumbers or Any Slumber Would Better Than Viewing These Cakes

Once there was a cake that pleased a bride
Once there was a cake, filled her with pride
Eat bridal party, don't you cry
If antlers poke you in the eye

Tissue paper, M and H
Plastic soldiers decorate
Eat bridal party, don't you cry
The steampunk baker didn't try

Once there was a cake, it's sad but true
Once there was a cake, made us poop blue
Eat bridal party, don't you cry
And don't you dare ask questions why

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Well, the first cake has a Lladro' cake topper, so there's that. And the cupcakes. But why is there a giant piece of plastic mesh on top of the cake?

Cake no. 4: As if the topper weren't tacky enough, we have a horseshoe-shaped penis underneath. Perfect pairing!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

When i first saw that fourth cake with the "horseshoe" the first thing i thought of was it was a double-ended .... wang.... welll, yah.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Sung to "I See Fire"
Oh wrecky cake of the wedding below
Steamed poop,wet paper and camo
The brides are screaming
Juuuuuuust nooooo!
Keep wrecking the cakes
With weedy skulls
And should we wreck tonight
We should all wreck together
Watch the cakes tip over
Onto the floor
As the guests are screaming
The rest of us will
Watch the bride faint
At her Smurf cake
Wreckeration falls upon the sky
Now I see frosting
That looks hideous
And I see frosting
Wrecking the cakes
And I hope you learn how to bake

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTheCreepyTribble

Yeah, I'm going to have to look up some good wedding cakes to cleanse MY EYES.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterErica

Brides to be, sprinkles are for birthday cakes. Not wedding cakes. And to wreckerators, gravel is not edible.

As for the rest of these cakes, I have no words except, "What the . . ."

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

That can't be a steampunk cake (despite the stand). It doesn't have any gears on it!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

I am of the opinion that if you ask for a camouflage or antler cake, you deserve what you get. That also goes for beer can cakes. And I am ready to take all the "done well, they can be beautiful" rebuttals.

I did not even notice the topper on the "horseshoe" cake until it was pointed out in the comments. Good golly!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngelaS

The first cake looks like salt and pepper or sand sprinkled all over it. Bleh.

Love the juxtaposition between the moist sheen of the Smurf cake to the dried, cracked, "moldy" camouflage cake.

And brides, can we PLEASE stop with the tacky toppers? Pretty please? With salt and pepper on top?

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraV

Cannot comprehend last cake O_o looks as though random idea were put together

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

I think that 5th bride got steam PUNK'd. I wonder if Ashton Kutcher was invited.

Why is the Smurf cake so smurfing shiny???

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Guests took one look at that first cake and said, "Thank God there are cupcakes!"
The guests at all these other weddings took one look at the cake and said, "I wish there were cupcakes!"

On that last cake, I though the mixed nuts went in a dish NEXT to the cake, not ON the cake. It seriously looks like the swans are swimming thought peanuts and cashews.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

@Andrea: you are correct. I believe that the fourth cake with the “horseshoe” was made for Vera, the owner of a combination high-end sex toy and bread shoppe. Since she and her husband met at work (he creates herb-infused bread and is a master baker with dill dough) they wanted to have the store’s logo on their wedding cake. Hence, Vera’s wang….

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

The first cake just looks dirty to me...maybe that's why I kept seeing phalluses on the fourth and last cakes. I'm glad you mentioned swans, because I really thought they reused the bride's personal vibrators. Gack!

@mel ~ I think I hurt myself holding that one in. Well done, sir!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

My beloved husband, CaryEsss, is very hard to please and he had something positive to say about each one of these cakes:
1. I like it.
2. That's very peaceful.
3. That's kind of nice. There's so much action. Look she's trying to mount him. It's romantic.
4. They opened it up to make sure there was cake under there.
5. Earthy
6. The camouflage worked. You can't see the beautiful cake hidden beneath the forest scene.

Although he's home sick from work and running a fever and may well be delirious, I think I should take a lesson from him and try to be more positive and less judgemental. Who's with me??

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterI of the Bee

@Mel-Brilliant!!!

The topper on the "horseshoe" cake is wreck enough but the baker went that extra mile to make it eye-popping. Ow!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

there is no way for me to unsee that which i have seen today. although my cousin is getting married next month...*rubs hands evilly*

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentertokenabc

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who saw a very phallic horseshoe on that fourth cake. :P

And what is with the plastic needlepoint mesh sticking out of the first cake? Is that part of the topper?
(Am now seeing, in my mind's eye, cakes decorated with actual plastic needlepoint work stuck into cake. I may need to go back to bed.)

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterViktorya

The horseshoe cake is bad enough, the topper is awful, but then you notice the strange, black spider things on the buttercream....maybe supposed to be flowers?

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBlindedNow

I like how the horseshoe cake topper bride has her legs wrapped around the waist of the groom. Klassy!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCrazy Fish Lady

On the cake with the dong-horseshoe - does the cake topper bride have her leg wrapped around the groom's waist?

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercc

Is it evil to like that smurf blue cake? I am not a fan of the white roses, but that blue fondant would rock at my next birthday LMAO

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Oh, that's a horseshoe! The activity going on with the cake topper made me think it was two . . . never mind. Let's say it might have been better for a cake for two men. Also, maybe that's cake is such a mess because the couple in the topper have been doing some wrecking of their own. You know how toys are supposed to come to life when no one is looking, well, I think that happens with cake toppers too so stay away from the amorous ones.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

The last one.looks like a grassy sausage biscuit?
At least they'll have breakfast on the honeymoon.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenteramyray

Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

I'm in the process of ordering a wedding cake right now. I made sure to choose a baker from the Sunday Sweets directory!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

The second last one makes me think of Miss Havisham's cake from Great Expectations.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Seriously how does this happen? This is usually the most important cake in a persons life. Yes I'm sure thousands of people get married every year and it's not the most important day. Yes I'm sure thousands of people get married every year and maybe can't afford to splurge at all on a cake. But really, some of these are like "Oh, I've really always wanted to decorate cakes, can I start with your wedding cake?" I'd like to think in a 6 degrees of separation kind of way someone wouldn't be 2 or 3 degrees away from someone who can decorate better than this for free. Wow! And if anyone actually paid money for these, even if it was just for supplies, they got ripped off. You could go to Safeway, buy a 10", 8" and 6" and stack them yourself and be better off than this. Just Wow!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCake Guy CA

Just makes you wonder if they got what they wanted... maybe that bride wanted that smurf blue frosting...

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

All of these would be fantabulous for my ex husband's upcoming wedding (except I think the bride to be is actually a decent woman so maybe not).

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStine C.

But...but...but...I like the tissue wrapped cake!! (except for the "roses")
And I thought the first one said "Mind it" and I thought it might be some words of advice for the honeymoon.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNancie

The tissue paper cake really isn't that horrible, probably just an inexperienced decorator. It just sucks for the bride and groom who had to shell out the money for the decorator's practice.

My favorite thing out of all the cakes... The army men (whom I assume are supposed to be hunters) on the last cake. Now that is class right there. I only wish I would've thought to have toys on my wedding cake.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKatieLynnie

You get what you pay for, and I'm hoping these brides didn't pay much.

And to the bride who chose the topper of the bride humping the groom, real classy. I'm sure your grandmother, great aunts, and minister were impressed (and possibly removing their gifts from your gift table a.s.a.p.).

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Cake number two does not actually look much like a Like-like. It's not even round. (Yes, I know it's a typo, but I'll bet you nerds get the reference.)

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMumshie

The "tissue paper" and "smurf" cakes could honestly have been quite pretty in some slightly better hands. Nothing cold have saved the others short of a total overhaul though.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKelsie

The "tissue paper" and "smurf" cakes could honestly have been quite pretty in some slightly better hands. Nothing cold have saved the others short of a total overhaul though.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKelsie

Cat litter, the new "fondant".

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHyena Overlord

The first cake, they probably paid more for the lladro cake topper than they did for the cake.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterThe Hungarican Chick

The "horseshoe" cake is the ultimate in tacky! However I did think they were standing on a stack of blue napkins. I'm sure their families were so proud. (snark)

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeloise

I'm going to have to agree with AngelaS; if you order a camo cake, you get what you deserve. I defy anyone to find a "well-done" camo or hunting-themed cake. It's an oxymoron. Even if the baker is skilled, you end up with cake that's brown and green, or that has A DEAD ANIMAL'S HEAD on it. Granted, this camo cake's icing is cracked, but does that even matter?

As for the flesh-colored horseshoe cake: I assume the bride hiking her leg up on the groom is supposed to symbolize the upcoming honeymoon. As a bonus, it also makes the horseshoe wang seem more fitting.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMSTeacher3K

"Why did the baker use "and" instead of an ampersand?
The world... may never know."
Because "an ampersand" won't fit!

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

Omigosh, Jen. I actually do feel better!
Thank you. Rather a downer day till now.

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura R

Did one cake photo get deleted? I can't understand which one is "the horse shoe" with the "wang" topper.


[Editor's note- Yup. The baker contacted us and was all, "Blah blah my cake!" and I was all, "FINE!" and then he was all, "Intellectual property!" and I was all, "You don't understand the legal system!" and then I took it down anyway because I don't like it when people are mad at me. -john (the hubby of Jen)]

June 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMetreeid

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