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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Mar092017

Barbie Hurl

In honor of Barbie Day, here are a few tips for making the "perfect" doll cake.

 

- This is totally acceptable for a Groom's Cake:

No, really. She's got panties on, so it's cool.

 

- When making a doll dress cake, go for icing colors every little girl loves:

Specifically, the colors of despair and gnawing ennui.

 

- If your doll needs a bodice, be sure to pipe something fashionable and delicate:

 

- And while you're at it, try to make the cake part look more like a skirt, and less like an alien egg devouring the prom queen in a B-rated horror movie.

"Oh, Trevor, why did we go skinny-dipping in that cemetery at midnight? WHYYYYY??"

 

- If dress cakes are too intimidating, remember there's always this option:

Just keep it classy, minions.

(Good grief, it's like that bottle of tequila has never seen a Barbie upchuck before. I mean, hello, personal space, Jose!)

 

Hey, remember that traumatizing tunnel scene in the original Willy Wonka?
Pretty sure this is the cake version:

There's no earthly way of knowing
How much flotsam they were throwing
There's no knowing where we're going
Or any sign the wrecks are slowing!

Oh wait, that's not really a tip, is it? Hmm. Ah, ok, I've got one:

- Don't do this.

 

I should warn you: this next tip features a Barbie cake that is not professionally made. I repeat, NOT professionally made. But as a public service, I feel I have to share it anyway.

- Never ask your drunk roommate to make you a Barbie cake:

"Let's light this candle, b**ches!!"

(It made me laugh. WHAT.)

 

But to go out on a professional note:

- Nobody put Barbie in a corner.

She'll just sit there. Waiting. And watching.

Right, that's it for me! Y'all sleep well tonight.

 

Thanks to Erica D., Stephanie H., Bridget B., Kristie S., Lori, Luise D., Criss N., & Sarah W. for both the wide-eyed nightmare fuel and ALL the sprinkles. ALL OF THEM.

*****

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Reader Comments (38)

Goth Barbie totally needs to be a thing! and the Barbie in her garden (willy wonka reference) reminds me of the video for the song by Aqua.
https://youtu.be/ZyhrYis509A I shall be singing all day.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDiddleymaz

I thought it was International Women's Day. Barbie should be excluded.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShirley

Bahahahaha

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMindy1

I liked the topless Barbie with the candles. And I bet Ashley got a good laugh.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

Poor Barbie! I didn't know there were so many ways to torture her!

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMaryo1230

That last Barbie is going to eat your soul.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKate

I kind-of like the Willy Wonka one. It is not in any way a beautiful cake, but it does seem fun. Then again I liked the tunnel ride in both versions of Willy Wonka.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJoelle

My husband started a new job on Monday. So far, there have been five birthday celebrations at his office. FIVE.*
Each of the birthday boys/girls has brought in dessert to celebrate. Hubs is the only person in the office who is not of Indian descent, so he's been enjoying a great many treats he's never had before.
His birthday is Sunday
He wants to bring something in on Monday.
I am so going to make that non-professional Barbie Raise Your Candle in the Rain cake because
'Merica!!

*I taught for 20 years and never had a week when there were five birthday celebrations. Hell, the week's not even over yet. I think these people are just messing around.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Gee the last Barbie has tats and everything!
Barbie's garden comes complete with frog that is already prince-sized, all it needs is the kiss to turn into the guy giving the massage ;-). Any guy who comes with his own massage table is a prince in my book.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAlison in Indiana

Why does that last cake have fences?

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Well, SURE the groom's cake Barbie has her panties on....FOR NOW.......but LOOK: those utensils in the background aren't there by accident....Oh no...that ominous shadow on the curtain has all the earmarks of a dastardly deed in the shape a backyard makeover.....and I'm not talking digging for treasure....but more along the lines of digging to get rid of the gold digger. Kenny- boy is good and sick of her sheet-cake ways, flaunting herself on cakes all round the neighborhood bakeries, and getting PAID for it....
CUT! That's a wrap!
=^-.-^=

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Bodice barbie has such a pretty dress. Did the baker pipe those delicate roses and then think "Ah stuff it, I think I"ll give her a blouse made of that chicken goop from McDonalds"

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterzeenia

Holy crap! The only thing that is missing on that last cake is the cornfield that Scary Barbie hunts in. Those pictures are clearly souvenirs of her most recent kills. I imagine Scary Barbie luring Normal Barbies (that probably didn't invite Scary to the latest party) to the cornfield with creepy whispers of "Ken awaits...come into the cornfield..." And being the Barbies they are, they probably only hear - Ken - and are all over that and foolishly go where no Barbie ought. Fatal mistake. Because the only Ken they will (briefly) meet is the rusty dagger (named Ken) Scary Barbie wields.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterStefanie

My eldest daughter would totally love Alien Egg Barbie--her favorite holiday is Halloween. When we went to a Christmas light show last year, she complained that it wasn't creepy enough.

@Shirley: Surely you jest! International Women's Day was yesterday. And if, like me, you've seen the "Deadpool" movie, you'll never hear "Happy International Women's Day" the same way again.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

What on earth is going on in that last cake? I don't understand any of it!

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Anybody else worried about where candle Barbie's lower half might be? It's just me, right?

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

How do you know your cake has class? B00bies and scotch tape.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAngelaS

the last cake is one of the most confusing cakes i've seen on here. I hope someone can explain what is supposed to be going on there because I can't see it.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commentert.e.

When they jump out of the cake, they usually have SOMETHING on...

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDB

When you make a barbie dress cake for someone's birthday, keep in mind that Barbie's hair is flammable ... just saying.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterFatcat

Thank you, Jen, for inspiring me to create a line of Barbie Horror cakes. Invasion of the Barbie Snatchers, Little Shop of Barbie Horrors, . . . .

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLaTallulah

I have to admit, I kind of love the cheerful absurdity of the disproportional Willy Wonka cake. I feel like it ought to tell a story...

@Susan - Nope, not just you!

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSeabird

"Alien Egg Devouring the Prom Queen" is one of my favorite movies....

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterjust passing through

Just a few *random* thoughts:

Cake #1: Malibu Barbie and Pornographic Ken. At least PK's hair is not molded plastic, but I am positive he has a 'stache.

Cake #2: Manic Panic Barbie complete with Goth prom dress.

Cake #3: "Mommy, why did Barbie puke pink marshmallow peeps all over her pretty dress?"

Cake #4: Giggle, giggle, **snort**. So, if that Barbie could talk, it wouldn't be "Ta Daaa!" It would be more like "HE-E-ELP!"

Cake #5: Barf-a-lot Barbie. In my opinion, the most creative of the bunch. It looks as though she was in the middle of saying "Happy Birthday Asshhleh-*ralph*!" Mmm, chocolate!

Cake #6: Wrong on just so many levels.

Cake #7: At first I thought Barbie was holding revolvers instead of candles. Enough said.

Last but not least, Cake #8: Park Bench Barbie. What makes this even more pathetic, if that's possible, are the medallions showing Barbie in her youth..."I was pretty once!"

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNeeta

What...umm...what IS that last cake supposed to be? I can't decide if Barbie looks like she is dressed as the Joker or some kind of Mardi Gras costume or what. Whatever is happening there, it is disturbing!
"Despair and gnawing ennui,"--ha ha!

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

The tequila bottle is being a good friend. It's holding Barbie's hair to keep it out of the toilet while she ralphs.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterkayk

#1. Groom's Cake
#2. Daria Cake
#3. Say No to the Dress Cake
#4. Nicki Minaj Cake
#5. Britney Spears 2005 Cake
#6. Jerry Garcia Cake
#7. FLOTUS Cake
#8. Godot Cake

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNotMe

OK, I have to tell that cake story:
--

Barbie and the Flotsam Factory

These two very small dogs are the pets of Mr. Flotsam. Their names are Biffy and Spot. This very large dog is the pet of Mrs. Flotsam. His name is Ruffles. Mr. and Mrs. Flotsam have a large, thin girl named Barbie.

The whole family live together by a small plastic house on the edge of a great green garden and the yellow Swamp of Secrets. The house isn't nearly large enough any of them, so mostly they live outside.

Mr. Flotsam works all day long in an icing factory, screwing up orders by piping misspelled words on sheet cakes. He doesn't get paid much for doing this (even when his work is featured in funny blogs), but one day they let him bring home a giant bunch of balloons as a reward for not making his decorations look like sperm. Barbie popped a golden balloon with the spines from one of the trees behind her house and found a ticket offering a tour of the Secret Swamp.
On the day of the tour, a giant green frog with the red heart umbrella led met her at the entrance to the swamp. Several other girls took the tour with her, but one by one they all wound up getting devoured by alien eggs or lit on fire or overwhelmed by despair and gnawing ennui. At last, after the final girl had eaten the spotted mushrooms and wound up vomiting profusely, Kermy Konka (the frog) declared Barbie the winner and made her full owner of the yellow swamp. Barbie celebrated by leaving her tiny house to her parents and the dogs, while she, Ken, and Kermy built their dream Swamp Bungalow, complete with massage room, and lived happily ever after until the next wrecky sequel.

The End

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSeabird

Sung to the tune of 'Barbie Girl' (original props go to the artist....whoever they are)
I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world
Life is plastic, it's fantastic
My belly's nice and bare
I'm puking everywheeere
The dresses creation is your imagination

(crap I only remembered part of the darn chorus and only one line has to do with the wrecks!)

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNathan R.

Ha ha Godot cakes, excellent!

BUT --- Barbie is just waiting for her cue on the set of M. Night Shyamalan's latest pic.

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterzeph

Hey, at least Emo Barbie is well-made...

March 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Oh, my gosh, NotMe! Too funny on #7. The last one, with the fences, made farmersonly.com jingle enter my brain. Then I saw scary park bench Barbie. Ralphing Barbie is my favorite.

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNobodee Home

Oh that last cake is gonna haunt my dreams. It's as if she's sitting there waiting.. just waiting to devour the next persons soul that dares go near those knocked down fence like devices lol.

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

They make flotsam toilets?!

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterjeliecam

Drunk roommate cake is amazing. I love it.

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSigma

What's up with the fences? Are those supposed to be railroad tracks? If so, if I was Barbie stuck on that cake, I think I'd be lying across them...

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAbi

I totally want the barfing Barbie cake for my birthday!!!

March 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterPaganduck

Barbie Vomit - my new garage band.

March 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAlice Shortcake

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