Jingle Bell Shocks

Stockings around the Christmas tree

Look so bad that your jaw drops.

Once he got a good look at them

Santa Claus went into shock.

Who comes up with these Christmas cakes?

Have the bakers lost their minds?

Did they drink too much spiced eggnog?

Or are they legally blind?

You will see a glut of flotsam pieces as you neeear

Cakes that just won't make you jolly

Hey, d'you think that might be holly?

Shocking amounts of frosting, these

Might send you right 'round the bend

Will you hold out for better cakes

Or just buy these in the end?

BONUS CAROL OF THE SILVER BELLS:

[sing it with me, now!]

Diiiing doooong,

Diiing...

Dong.

A choir of thanks to Maryann M., Janet G., Kadmi, Megan K., Katherine D., Jackson L., Ann M., Jenna C., Ashley S., & Grainne, who all want to go Christmas caroling with Sharyn. Me, too, guys. ME, TOO.

Wrecks For The Rest Of Us

It is on this day, at this glorious, joyous time of year, that we should all take a moment to say,

And to capture the Festivus spirit, we erect [heh] our Festivus pole [hehehe] - a bare aluminum rod [wink] - because we all know how distracting tinsel can be.

"Yo, Tinsel, move it! You're blocking our holiday spirit!"

Then we will dine on meatloaf dinner:

"I would do anything for 'loaf...
but I won't eat that."

Followed by cake covered with M&Ms:

"And what is the DEAL with airline food?"

Once the Pepto Bismol has settled, Festivus can officially begin with the Airing of Grievances:

This is when we gripe about all the ways our family, friends, and the world in general has disappointed us over the past year.

Needless to say, sarcasm is encouraged.

Once everyone is basking in the warm glow of a directionless, murderous rage, it's time for the Feats of Strength. Tradition states that Festivus isn't over until the head of the house is pinned in a wrestling match, but you can usually disarm Grandma pretty quickly:

On second thought, it looks like Grandma Dani's been working out.

Oh, and I nearly forgot! Be on the lookout today for Festivus miracles. Because trust me, they're everywhere.

Congrats, Grandma!

Thanks to Lisa N., Rhiannon, Jola S., Marcus J., Dianne M., Lauren M., Bernadett, & JM, who have been just awful to me this past year, AWFUL, I tell you, and do they thank me for the snarky commentary? NoooOOOOo. But that's ok, because I don't need thanks, or love, or basic human consideration, because I... [lip wobble] ... I AM STRONG.

Now quit crying and go fight your grandmother.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: